11.3.17

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I feel like Bear and I have really been struggling as a couple lately. I feel like we don’t communicate well; I feel like I don’t stand up for myself and he stands up for himself too aggressively. He needs so much more time than I have, and that’s horrible to say but I sometimes feel so trapped knowing if I don’t spend a certain amount of time with him a certain way that he’s going to be upset with me. I wish he was more go with the flow. I wish he was more secure in himself. He has so many insecurities that really get to him so if I say one thing that could be twisted so that it fits the insecurity about himself, it’s meltdown town for hours.

He was so angry at me all day the other day because I walked behind him to get my food out of the microwave instead of asking him to do it for me. Yes, it was impolite to squish behind him to use the microwave, but no, it did not make any sense that it lead to such a meltdown where he felt so “inconvenient” and “in the way”. It’s not that deep. I was trying to make my breakfast. I was angry about his reaction all day, and when I get home I didn’t want to waste me evening fighting with him, so I didn’t bring it up. I hate that he really isn’t someone that can be told a negative thing about himself without blowing it up.

Tonight he upset me because we spent about two hours playing a video game with my family. I know he doesn’t care for video games, but no one forced him to play. He stayed pretty okay most of the game, but I could tell at the end he was losing his patience with it. After the game was over I thanked him for playing, and his first reaction was “no problem, I got pretty much nothing out of that but I’m glad you enjoyed it” like why did he need to bring attention to the fact he didn’t enjoy himself? Why does he feel like he needs to tell me when he does something with me that I enjoy? Why does he need to remind me he doesn’t enjoy it? It hurt my feelings. I was really excited and all he could spew was how fast-paced and difficult and social the game was, then got frustrated with me when my feelings were hurt with his reaction.

I think he often feels guilty that he hurts my feelings, so he lashes out. That’s great, but it’s not okay. You’re 26 years old, figure out how to control your emotions! You don’t get to lash out at me because you feel guilty that you hurt my feelings. That’s not how it works, and it’s not fair.

I hate to say it but I am looking forward to him going home 3 hours away. I need some space. I need to be able to do what I want when I want to. He says I can do that now, it “just makes him sad when I choose not to hang out with him” like how is that not intentionally making me feel guilty? I just feel like I don’t have time to be as serious as he needs. We live together for God’s sake, I don’t also need an hour and a half a day of one on one attention from him. How can I truly enjoy the time when I feel obligated to spending the time with him? If I don’t spend the time with him then he’s upset. So i have to do it, and I end up not enjoying it, and we’re stuck in a bad cycle.

I totally understand where he is coming from. I understand that he lives surrounded by my family, with no where to walk to (he doesn’t drive) with very little escape because he also doesn’t work. I understand it has to be hard to be at home all day while your partner has other obligations and then when your partner does come home, they choose to hang out with their family or other friends or have school work to do. I understand that entirely. But I have SUCH a hard time because the simplest thing “ruins” our quality time and then it’s like it doesn’t count for him. We made dinner together the other night and it didn’t count as quality time to him because he was in a shitty mood. I did my best to make it a good night be he decided to be in a bad mood so then we apparently had no quality time together so then he got up with me the next morning, which he never does, and threw off my entire morning by getting angry about stupid shit (the aforementioned microwave situation).

I’m just exhausted. I feel like he expects more out of me than I can give. I feel guilty that I feel so trapped. I feel scared that I feel trapped — this is always the feeling I get before a relationship waltzes past the point of return and we break up. I desperately WANT this to work with him, but I feel like our current situation is not working.

I just feel like, because he’s never had a job and been in school and been expected to do things for my family and had a partner with quality time as their love language that he doesn’t realize the pressure he puts on me. I of course can’t say that to him because he will get so upset that I feel this way. I feel so lost in this.

I feel guilty anytime I do anything that doesn’t involve him. If I say this to him, he’ll say something like “fuck you, I never force you to do anything you don’t want to do” and he’ll be mad and he’ll cry and I’ll end up apologizing. We never do things that are only in my interests, because he can’t be arsed to fake enthusiasm. He thinks he shouldn’t have to. Does he not realize I have to do it for him all the time? No, he doesn’t, because I think it’s truly one of the things you just DO in a relationship without talking about it. Even when you don’t enjoy something, when you so clearly see that your partner is so happy and so excited, you find something positive about the experience to talk about. It’s shitty to just bring up your negative feelings when your partner is so obviously excited.

I want to enjoy spending time with him again. But so much of the time right now I just feel like it’s something I have to do to make him happy. I get up in the morning and I enjoy my time alone to the point where I’m annoyed when he decides to get up with me. I go to work, I have a couple hours there to do homework, I come home. Bear and I cook dinner together, then we watch a show or sit and talk while we eat. Then mostly the rest of my night is spent doing homework, and sometimes I get about 30 minutes to play sims or read. My weekends are spent doing homework, spending time with bear, spending time with baby W, and trying to also fit time with my friends in.

But last time I tried to spend time with my friends, he texted me asking when I was coming home and when I told him, he said “not to ruin your day or anything but that’s way later than you told me earlier” So  I came home but I was LIVID!!! Like I just got demanded to come home? What the fuck??? I am a grown ass woman and I was so excited to go hang out and I get DEMANDED home? And he didn’t demand it outright but how is that not intentionally manipulating me to come home?

Little things have just added up to this overwhelming feeling I have. He told me he couldn’t trust me because there was a weekend a while ago that we spent in his hometown where I felt like he was really mean to me all weekend, but I decided to wait to bring it up until we were back at my house so we didn’t argue around his family or dampen the mood of our trip. I did that literally thinking purely of his feelings, and then he turns it around and says he can’t trust me? What the FUCK!

I don’t know how I’m ever going to tell him about this. How do I tell him that I feel pressured to spend time with him? How do I tell him that I feel like he manipulates me sometimes? How do I tell him I feel scared to say how I really feel because I’m afraid of his reactions? It’s all going to crush him! He is so insecure about himself that if I say anything negative about him he just spirals into self-hatred and it’s not good, but am I helping him if I just let him be this way or would it help him more to be honest with him?

I’m torn between not wanting to hurt him and not wanting to baby him because he’s an adult and I don’t want to baby my partner.  Please respond with any advice or situations you’ve been in similarly. I am lost.

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7.8.17

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SO, my dad is back. AGAIN. This is the last thing I ever thought would happen, but here we are. He got back into town late on July 4th. When my mom told us all he was coming back over the weekend obviously everyone was livid, except my little brother, who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself so he doesn’t care. My mom was actually legitimately angry and hurt that we (my older sister, older brother, and me mostly) thought she was being dumb in bringing him back. Things between us and mom just aren’t okay.

I had put in my last post that mom was talking to dad a lot, and I was worried about it, and I obviously had reason to be worried. She kept telling me he wasn’t coming back, but I didn’t believe her, and look where we are. I can’t believe all the shit she said before about how much happier she was with him gone, how much more free and healthy, meant nothing. He always takes all the money and leaves, and as soon as my siblings and I put our money into my mom’s house to fix things for her, he comes back, and she just keeps letting him come back. HE HAS LEFT THREE TIMES. How is there no limit? How can you not value yourself so much that you’d let someone so abusive back in over and over? The horrible things he said to me about mom, apparently he didn’t mean. My parents are both liars. They are immature. They should be the fucking parents here, leaving the kids uninvolved in their relationship, and making choices based on logic and reasoning instead of being lonely and having a tough time and emotions. I get everyone’s a human but they chose to have all of us kids and they are just incredibly selfish parents. A big reason I don’t want kids is because I’ve really seen how even people who live their whole lives waiting to be parents can’t manage to be good ones.

Everything is weird with him here. I don’t go next door. Butterfly has been staying at her dad’s house with her boyfriend and baby W. She’s 14 weeks pregnant now and can’t take the stress of that household anymore. My little brother’s girlfriend is pregnant, like 5 weeks or so, and her last pregnancy was extremely high risk so there’s all that, too. My mom is angry with me because when she asked me why my older sister was upset I told her I didn’t know because I’ve purposely stayed out of the drama. SHE IS LITERALLY ANGRY THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN DRAMA. I’m seriously so done. I’m saving up  money to make a move to live with my boyfriend in his hometown about 3 hours away.

On a better note, I’ve gotten so much financial aid that I went ahead and bought my laptop and new clothes on my credit card because I know for sure I’m going to be able to pay it off. I will even be able to save hopefully a grand of that financial aid money. We’ll see, but I’m excited.

Bear and I have been really good. We just celebrated our third anniversary, which is insane to me. I can’t believe we’ve been together for three whole years already.

10.16.16

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I live with constant guilt.

I feel guilt mostly relating to feeling like I don’t spend enough time with my family and close friends. My parents aren’t old but they’ve been smoking for 30 years and they both have so many misc health problems that realistically, I have about 10 years left with them. They probably won’t see me get married or have a kid.

I don’t spend a lot of one-on-one time with them. I can’t afford to take them to dinners or breakfasts often. The most I do for them is the occasional pack of cigarettes or Starbucks coffee.

I don’t have a close relationship with my youngest brother. He’s 19, and kind of an asshole. I spend much more time with his wife. My other little brother has a rare health problem that barely anyone else has ever had. I don’t know how much time we will have together but we have no common interests and he knows I love him.

I love my boyfriend more than anything. I want to spend my life with him. I feel horrible when I stop hanging out with him to hang out with anyone else. Especially because he lives so far away and when he’s here I feel I should spend almost all of my time with him.

All this guilt is so hard to hold sometimes.  I know my family doesn’t hold anything against me and that they love me and the time they get with me. I just feel this pressure to make everyone happy all the time and it’s s heavy.

I don’t by any means think I’m a bad person and I know I’m doing my best but it doesn’t feel good enough.

11.9.14

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It’s been such a crazy two weeks.

Chick’s things got stolen out of her car – including her wallet, bank card, school things, etc. Rent was due. She’d been telling me all month she had the rent… come to find out she had $160 in her account (rent is $685). That was really terrible, and I was so angry. She’s making enough money to cover rent, so I know she was spending that money on things she didn’t need to spend money on. Luckily, my family covered us.. but it was really scary and upsetting.

School has been okay. Lots of work and my internship is so tedious and inconvenient. I just stand around and I don’t really do much aside from that. I love the kids, though. I’m making them cupcakes for my birthday.

I can’t believe I turn 20 on Friday. The only thing I really want is to see Bear, but I’d feel bad asking someone to come up with the gas money just because I would rather be with him than anyone else.

We’ve been painting our kitchen this pale yellow color and it looks really cute. I’ve been trying to get it done before Bear comes so that the house looks really cute when he gets here. I’m so excited. He’s going to be here, in my space. In my bed, on my couch, in my kitchen. I can’t wait.

I got hired at Walmart yesterday! I have to go in for a drug test tomorrow and orientation will be this week at some point, too. I’m really excited for that! I’ve been needing a job and I’ve wanted to work at Walmart for as long as I can remember. So excited.

Life has been crazy for the last two weeks, but things have been good. Life isn’t always bad things.