7.8.17

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SO, my dad is back. AGAIN. This is the last thing I ever thought would happen, but here we are. He got back into town late on July 4th. When my mom told us all he was coming back over the weekend obviously everyone was livid, except my little brother, who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself so he doesn’t care. My mom was actually legitimately angry and hurt that we (my older sister, older brother, and me mostly) thought she was being dumb in bringing him back. Things between us and mom just aren’t okay.

I had put in my last post that mom was talking to dad a lot, and I was worried about it, and I obviously had reason to be worried. She kept telling me he wasn’t coming back, but I didn’t believe her, and look where we are. I can’t believe all the shit she said before about how much happier she was with him gone, how much more free and healthy, meant nothing. He always takes all the money and leaves, and as soon as my siblings and I put our money into my mom’s house to fix things for her, he comes back, and she just keeps letting him come back. HE HAS LEFT THREE TIMES. How is there no limit? How can you not value yourself so much that you’d let someone so abusive back in over and over? The horrible things he said to me about mom, apparently he didn’t mean. My parents are both liars. They are immature. They should be the fucking parents here, leaving the kids uninvolved in their relationship, and making choices based on logic and reasoning instead of being lonely and having a tough time and emotions. I get everyone’s a human but they chose to have all of us kids and they are just incredibly selfish parents. A big reason I don’t want kids is because I’ve really seen how even people who live their whole lives waiting to be parents can’t manage to be good ones.

Everything is weird with him here. I don’t go next door. Butterfly has been staying at her dad’s house with her boyfriend and baby W. She’s 14 weeks pregnant now and can’t take the stress of that household anymore. My little brother’s girlfriend is pregnant, like 5 weeks or so, and her last pregnancy was extremely high risk so there’s all that, too. My mom is angry with me because when she asked me why my older sister was upset I told her I didn’t know because I’ve purposely stayed out of the drama. SHE IS LITERALLY ANGRY THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN DRAMA. I’m seriously so done. I’m saving up  money to make a move to live with my boyfriend in his hometown about 3 hours away.

On a better note, I’ve gotten so much financial aid that I went ahead and bought my laptop and new clothes on my credit card because I know for sure I’m going to be able to pay it off. I will even be able to save hopefully a grand of that financial aid money. We’ll see, but I’m excited.

Bear and I have been really good. We just celebrated our third anniversary, which is insane to me. I can’t believe we’ve been together for three whole years already.

10.16.16

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I live with constant guilt.

I feel guilt mostly relating to feeling like I don’t spend enough time with my family and close friends. My parents aren’t old but they’ve been smoking for 30 years and they both have so many misc health problems that realistically, I have about 10 years left with them. They probably won’t see me get married or have a kid.

I don’t spend a lot of one-on-one time with them. I can’t afford to take them to dinners or breakfasts often. The most I do for them is the occasional pack of cigarettes or Starbucks coffee.

I don’t have a close relationship with my youngest brother. He’s 19, and kind of an asshole. I spend much more time with his wife. My other little brother has a rare health problem that barely anyone else has ever had. I don’t know how much time we will have together but we have no common interests and he knows I love him.

I love my boyfriend more than anything. I want to spend my life with him. I feel horrible when I stop hanging out with him to hang out with anyone else. Especially because he lives so far away and when he’s here I feel I should spend almost all of my time with him.

All this guilt is so hard to hold sometimes.  I know my family doesn’t hold anything against me and that they love me and the time they get with me. I just feel this pressure to make everyone happy all the time and it’s s heavy.

I don’t by any means think I’m a bad person and I know I’m doing my best but it doesn’t feel good enough.

11.9.14

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It’s been such a crazy two weeks.

Chick’s things got stolen out of her car – including her wallet, bank card, school things, etc. Rent was due. She’d been telling me all month she had the rent… come to find out she had $160 in her account (rent is $685). That was really terrible, and I was so angry. She’s making enough money to cover rent, so I know she was spending that money on things she didn’t need to spend money on. Luckily, my family covered us.. but it was really scary and upsetting.

School has been okay. Lots of work and my internship is so tedious and inconvenient. I just stand around and I don’t really do much aside from that. I love the kids, though. I’m making them cupcakes for my birthday.

I can’t believe I turn 20 on Friday. The only thing I really want is to see Bear, but I’d feel bad asking someone to come up with the gas money just because I would rather be with him than anyone else.

We’ve been painting our kitchen this pale yellow color and it looks really cute. I’ve been trying to get it done before Bear comes so that the house looks really cute when he gets here. I’m so excited. He’s going to be here, in my space. In my bed, on my couch, in my kitchen. I can’t wait.

I got hired at Walmart yesterday! I have to go in for a drug test tomorrow and orientation will be this week at some point, too. I’m really excited for that! I’ve been needing a job and I’ve wanted to work at Walmart for as long as I can remember. So excited.

Life has been crazy for the last two weeks, but things have been good. Life isn’t always bad things.