6.13.17

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I’m officially going back to school! I got my financial aid award letter a couple of weeks ago, and have met with a counselor. I’m going for the Associate of Arts, and then for my bachelor’s in Human Development Family Studies, which gears me up to get a job in social work or something similar! I start school August 28 which feels like so far away!

I am enrolled in 4 classes so far – intro to psychology, intro to sociology, intro to environmental science, and substance abuse education. I will enroll in a history class when I hear back from an advisor about my transfer credits. They are all online classes and my financial aid (a government grant) more than covers everything so I’ll even be able to get a new laptop and make my car payments with it. I’m basically going to school for free which is so amazing.

I am scared that I’m not preparing myself for how difficult it could be working 30 hours a week and taking classes full time. I think I will have no problem managing it but I do worry that I’m not realizing how much time college will take and I’ll end up overwhelmed.

B got out of the mental hospital like 4 days after she went and never attempted to contact me.. actually, she went through the effort of completely blocking me on every social media. I had removed her so we were no longer friends on these, but the fact she went through and completely blocked me kind of felt like a big slap in the face. I was nothing but nice to her. I had to be done with the friendship because it was only hurting me. I don’t know why she couldn’t understand that.

I feel continually hurt over this situation, I’m obsessing over it. Not only do I feel like I need to be able to check on her so I know she’s alive (she’s been suicidal) but why go through the effort to block me when you’re the one that hurt me? She was basically begging me to give her a chance.. and when I said “talk to me after you get out of the hospital” she somehow turned herself around into anger and now has me blocked everywhere and hasn’t messaged me. It’s not that I wanted her to message me. I just guess it sucks because I know she has this twisted so that I’m the bad guy in her head and I can’t stand people thinking badly of me.

Ever since my dad left I’ve just adopted this attitude of not letting people hurt me and take advantage of me. No one ever cares the same way I do and I end up getting hurt so bad, every single time!

Speaking of my dad, my mom is still talking to him. a lot. I catch her playing computer games with him, he bought and sent her a new blanket for her bed… she tried telling me “he’s really growing up!” no mom, he isn’t. I miss him so bad sometimes it randomly brings me to tears but I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to talk to him again with all that he left between us.

Butterfly had an ultrasound appointment but aside from getting to see baby bean in her tummy, we got no helpful information. We don’t really know how far along she is and I don’t think she’s made any extra appointments anywhere. Her pregnancy with baby W was so calm and easy but this baby is giving her hell. Maybe when she is out of her first trimester things will settle down.

This weekend Bear and I are going to see his family in his town about 3 hours away. I’m excited. I’m so glad I don’t have to be near my family on father’s day. AJ is a deadbeat dad to baby W and I don’t want to fake my way through a day with him.

 

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5.28.17

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There has still been literally no peace in my life except in brief moments in the last two weeks. I’ll try to go in order.

When I told my best friend, B, about what happened with AJ (little brother) and his girlfriend, Kay, her first reaction was, “don’t you think you’re being dramatic? you always have these issues with your family and you always get over it so quickly.” and while I know my reaction was dramatic, you just don’t say that shit to your friend when they’re hurting. I am all for being an honest friend and keeping your friends’ feet on the ground, but I just felt that was SO wrong. My first reaction would have been something like, WOW, that sucks, how could he do that?, etc. B is constantly fighting with her other friend and I never hear the other friend’s side of it but I never ever ask B if she’s sure that she’s got it straight.

I don’t open up often when I’m right in the moment with feelings. I usually talk to Bear and Butterfly about it and then talk to B and Chrystine later, once I’ve processed it, mostly just to keep them updated with my life. But B has been complaining that I don’t come to her, so I just decided to take a chance and go to her. It blew up in my face. I felt so uncared for and hurt. She just kept asking if I really got the situation and telling me I would get over it. Not once did she show any empathy for what I was feeling. I was so hurt because it was exactly what my dad did and it was just the last thing I felt like I needed. I fought with her about this for days and eventually lost the care to fight and just told her I got over it. She showed no remorse or understanding but I was done.

After AJ and Kay moved out, along with their two friends, the house was so calm. We had a nice mother day and the house got cleaned and everyone was okay. I started figuring out my school paperwork and was talking to the school constantly trying to figure things out.

This last Wednesday, the 24th, Butterfly asked me if I would please stop at the dollar store and grab her some pregnancy tests because she is still nauseous all the time (since beginning of April) and her period has been weird, along with a bladder problem. I picked them up for her and didn’t ask her again about them even though I was dying to know. She told me the day before baby W’s birthday that she’s pregnant! She went to the ER to get an ultrasound and they said she’s about 6 weeks but I definitely think she’s closer to 10 weeks, just based on her spotting and how long she’s been sick and having weird symptoms.

I was scared at first and overwhelmed because I feel like baby W is so much work already and I’m already tired of the newborn phase we’re going to go through again, but.. my love for her won out and I already love baby bean in her belly and I can’t wait to meet the new baby. At least this happened after everyone moved out so there is enough room for a new baby.

Baby W had his first birthday on Friday! It was a really good but exhausting day that started at 7 am for me because I had to make a long drive to get school paperwork dealt with. That was all its own drama, but it did get turned in and dealt with. Baby W was super pissy all day because he refused to nap, and it was awkward because AJ and Kay showed up for the party.

Also somewhere in between this I found out my mom has been talking to my dad pretty regularly and comfortably, because my dad messaged me (we have not communicated except for to say i love you every few days) saying how proud he was that I am going back to school. Like his pride means anything to me anymore. But I told mom I knew she had talked to him and that it made me feel weird but I know she won’t stop. I don’t know that I can blame her, they were married for 22 years and together for 24. That’s a long time to be with someone. I can get why she wants to talk to him, but I felt weird.

Fast forward to today. I came home from grocery shopping and I saw Kay’s car in my mom’s driveway. I didn’t go over there because my rage at them stopped me, but a couple hours later got told that Kay and AJ are moving in, and that AJ (Butterfly’s ex husband!) was told that Butterfly was having a baby and he didn’t even freak out, which is shocking for him. What Kay and AJ are saying was that it was basically the two friends that had lived with them in mom’s house for a while, spreading lies telling them everyone was always talking shit when they weren’t around. They think this is because the friends didn’t want to be sleeping on the couch and living there, so they wanted to start problem to get them to move out. Obviously this would build up for them and they snapped and that’s when they moved out. I guess Kay cried and apologized for lying to AJ about what she said about what happened with mom. They’ve been told it’s only temporary because there won’t be room once baby bean comes.

I feel so upset about all of this because why can’t people just be who they say they are? Why did their friends lie to them, instead of just tell them they wanted them all to move out together? how can I be okay with Kay again after I saw that she will do and say anything to get my brother to believe her? AJ is such a dumbass that he just does whatever he wants.

Butterfly is upset because she has to go back to sharing a room with Baby W. She doesn’t trust that it’s only temporary and I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t stress, it’s not good for baby bean.

Kay and AJ also said that B had been sending the messages talking shit about me, about how I’m never there for her, how Kay has to be her new best friend because I left her. There was so much more, but my older sister saw all the messages and this was honestly enough for Butterfly and I to be done with her. So I had a huge fight with her where she, again, doesn’t get what she did wrong. She said “what you consider talking shit I just considered having a conversation”, which would still be wrong since she outright told me and my mom she hadn’t talked to either of them at all. I feel bad because she struggles so much with her depression but I can’t bend my life around for other people who show me they don’t care about me the way I need them to. I can’t keep being her friend because I’m scared she’ll hurt herself. It isn’t something I can prevent if she doesn’t want to prevent it and I can’t keep letting people in like this. It hurts too bad when they eventually betray me. I told her I was done and would be open to talking to her again after she’s gone to the mental hospital (which she had already planned to do before this) to deal with herself. Honestly though I don’t think she’s ever gonna get what she did wrong and I won’t be able to get past that.

I’ll make new friends when I go to college. Or not, because it’s not really worth the trouble.

At least on the good side, things with Bear have been better. I tell him when he’s being a jerk instead of just taking it, and we still argue, but I feel like I’m being heard and not repressing everything so the scary anxious trapped feeling has gone away. We haven’t been too affectionate but Bear reminded me I haven’t been wearing socks and he is SO weird about socks (he hates feet) that that’s probably what the issue was. Plus I’ve been so freaking sick for the last six weeks. We slept in and cuddled for a while this morning, and I made him banana pancakes for dinner that he loved. He also blocked B on facebook as soon as I told him what happened and talked me through it. I’m so grateful for him.