10.13.17

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Sometimes I feel like I’m literally the busiest person alive. Between full time classes, full time work, spending time with Bear, and dealing with my insane family, I feel like I don’t get time to just be my own person.

I’m going to be going with Bear to his family for Thanksgiving. My mom literally doesn’t want Bear at Thanksgiving because he removed my dad from the fantasy football league they did together. My dad LITERALLY CRIED over this and talked about how it’s a “threat” from Bear and how no one has any loyalty anymore. Keep in mind this is the same dad that abandoned me.

I’m excited to spend thanksgiving with Bear’s family though. They will be picking us up and bringing us home, so I don’t have to worry about driving through snow. My mom is going to be pissed when she realizes no one is going to be there for Thanksgiving and I’m sure my older sister will talk shit the whole time about how I’m with bear’s family but I just don’t care. I’m so shut off emotionally from their shit.

School has been crazy. I have all A’s and one B+ so far. I think next semester I will just take 4 classes instead of 5; I don’t feel like I have enough time to study for tests and stuff like this and I think I’d do better with less classes.

I have a notebook that I have been writing letters to Bear in since we started dating in 2014. I took it out of the drawer this morning looking for something, and I didn’t put it back, and GUESS WHO FOUND IT. BEAR. He thought I left it out for him, and at dinner tonight, he grabbed my hands and said “I saw the book you left me” and I was soooo mortified. I hadn’t filled the notebook up yet nor was I sure if I was ever going to let him see it. But he told me over and over how much he loved it. I’ll keep writing him letters and maybe give it to him when we get married or something. I’m glad he reacted so nicely to it but holy cow I didn’t mean for him to see that.

 

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7.28.17

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I spent my entire day from 10 am to 7pm in extreme abdominal pain and then in the ER for it. Every once in a while I get these horrific stomach aches that start on my right side and slowly build until my entire back and stomach hurt so bad that I can hardly breathe. It feels like there’s a balloon expanding so big under my ribs, I  can’t get comfortable. I get so nauseas and the pain is literally 12 out of 10 horrible. I have had two ‘attacks’ in 2 weeks so I went to the ER today because I was scared maybe something serious was happening.

Basically they took my blood (which is usually so easy but today the dr poked around with the needle in my arm for literally 5 minutes and I bled everywhere), got an ultrasound, and did a urine test. I do have gallstones and I will need to get my gallbladder removed. I am scared about it, but also, this pain is literally so horrible I would do almost anything to never feel it again. If it means surgery and a different diet for the rest of my life, then fine. I just know this pain isn’t something I can let keep taking over my days like this.

My family stuff has been whatever. I don’t really talk to my dad nor do I go see them. Butterfly is still living with her dad so I guess she is just staying there? Who knows.

Chrystine is actually coming to see me next week! I’m really excited to spend some time with her as it’s been over a year since I’ve seen her. I hope my gallbladder pain stops enough for me to enjoy her visit.

I’m so tired from all the pain meds and spending my day at the hospital. I was determined to stay up late today because it’s my weekend and my whole day was spent in the hospital which in my opinion is a shitty weekend.

I’m really excited for school to start up in like 5 weeks. I keep toying with the idea of getting a second job just to save money but I realize I applied for school thinking I’d have my 3 day weekends and evenings to do homework. I need to see how I adjust to school and work together before I try to get another job.

5.28.17

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There has still been literally no peace in my life except in brief moments in the last two weeks. I’ll try to go in order.

When I told my best friend, B, about what happened with AJ (little brother) and his girlfriend, Kay, her first reaction was, “don’t you think you’re being dramatic? you always have these issues with your family and you always get over it so quickly.” and while I know my reaction was dramatic, you just don’t say that shit to your friend when they’re hurting. I am all for being an honest friend and keeping your friends’ feet on the ground, but I just felt that was SO wrong. My first reaction would have been something like, WOW, that sucks, how could he do that?, etc. B is constantly fighting with her other friend and I never hear the other friend’s side of it but I never ever ask B if she’s sure that she’s got it straight.

I don’t open up often when I’m right in the moment with feelings. I usually talk to Bear and Butterfly about it and then talk to B and Chrystine later, once I’ve processed it, mostly just to keep them updated with my life. But B has been complaining that I don’t come to her, so I just decided to take a chance and go to her. It blew up in my face. I felt so uncared for and hurt. She just kept asking if I really got the situation and telling me I would get over it. Not once did she show any empathy for what I was feeling. I was so hurt because it was exactly what my dad did and it was just the last thing I felt like I needed. I fought with her about this for days and eventually lost the care to fight and just told her I got over it. She showed no remorse or understanding but I was done.

After AJ and Kay moved out, along with their two friends, the house was so calm. We had a nice mother day and the house got cleaned and everyone was okay. I started figuring out my school paperwork and was talking to the school constantly trying to figure things out.

This last Wednesday, the 24th, Butterfly asked me if I would please stop at the dollar store and grab her some pregnancy tests because she is still nauseous all the time (since beginning of April) and her period has been weird, along with a bladder problem. I picked them up for her and didn’t ask her again about them even though I was dying to know. She told me the day before baby W’s birthday that she’s pregnant! She went to the ER to get an ultrasound and they said she’s about 6 weeks but I definitely think she’s closer to 10 weeks, just based on her spotting and how long she’s been sick and having weird symptoms.

I was scared at first and overwhelmed because I feel like baby W is so much work already and I’m already tired of the newborn phase we’re going to go through again, but.. my love for her won out and I already love baby bean in her belly and I can’t wait to meet the new baby. At least this happened after everyone moved out so there is enough room for a new baby.

Baby W had his first birthday on Friday! It was a really good but exhausting day that started at 7 am for me because I had to make a long drive to get school paperwork dealt with. That was all its own drama, but it did get turned in and dealt with. Baby W was super pissy all day because he refused to nap, and it was awkward because AJ and Kay showed up for the party.

Also somewhere in between this I found out my mom has been talking to my dad pretty regularly and comfortably, because my dad messaged me (we have not communicated except for to say i love you every few days) saying how proud he was that I am going back to school. Like his pride means anything to me anymore. But I told mom I knew she had talked to him and that it made me feel weird but I know she won’t stop. I don’t know that I can blame her, they were married for 22 years and together for 24. That’s a long time to be with someone. I can get why she wants to talk to him, but I felt weird.

Fast forward to today. I came home from grocery shopping and I saw Kay’s car in my mom’s driveway. I didn’t go over there because my rage at them stopped me, but a couple hours later got told that Kay and AJ are moving in, and that AJ (Butterfly’s ex husband!) was told that Butterfly was having a baby and he didn’t even freak out, which is shocking for him. What Kay and AJ are saying was that it was basically the two friends that had lived with them in mom’s house for a while, spreading lies telling them everyone was always talking shit when they weren’t around. They think this is because the friends didn’t want to be sleeping on the couch and living there, so they wanted to start problem to get them to move out. Obviously this would build up for them and they snapped and that’s when they moved out. I guess Kay cried and apologized for lying to AJ about what she said about what happened with mom. They’ve been told it’s only temporary because there won’t be room once baby bean comes.

I feel so upset about all of this because why can’t people just be who they say they are? Why did their friends lie to them, instead of just tell them they wanted them all to move out together? how can I be okay with Kay again after I saw that she will do and say anything to get my brother to believe her? AJ is such a dumbass that he just does whatever he wants.

Butterfly is upset because she has to go back to sharing a room with Baby W. She doesn’t trust that it’s only temporary and I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t stress, it’s not good for baby bean.

Kay and AJ also said that B had been sending the messages talking shit about me, about how I’m never there for her, how Kay has to be her new best friend because I left her. There was so much more, but my older sister saw all the messages and this was honestly enough for Butterfly and I to be done with her. So I had a huge fight with her where she, again, doesn’t get what she did wrong. She said “what you consider talking shit I just considered having a conversation”, which would still be wrong since she outright told me and my mom she hadn’t talked to either of them at all. I feel bad because she struggles so much with her depression but I can’t bend my life around for other people who show me they don’t care about me the way I need them to. I can’t keep being her friend because I’m scared she’ll hurt herself. It isn’t something I can prevent if she doesn’t want to prevent it and I can’t keep letting people in like this. It hurts too bad when they eventually betray me. I told her I was done and would be open to talking to her again after she’s gone to the mental hospital (which she had already planned to do before this) to deal with herself. Honestly though I don’t think she’s ever gonna get what she did wrong and I won’t be able to get past that.

I’ll make new friends when I go to college. Or not, because it’s not really worth the trouble.

At least on the good side, things with Bear have been better. I tell him when he’s being a jerk instead of just taking it, and we still argue, but I feel like I’m being heard and not repressing everything so the scary anxious trapped feeling has gone away. We haven’t been too affectionate but Bear reminded me I haven’t been wearing socks and he is SO weird about socks (he hates feet) that that’s probably what the issue was. Plus I’ve been so freaking sick for the last six weeks. We slept in and cuddled for a while this morning, and I made him banana pancakes for dinner that he loved. He also blocked B on facebook as soon as I told him what happened and talked me through it. I’m so grateful for him.

4.10.17

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It’s been almost two weeks since my dad left, and they’ve been the most positive two weeks I’ve had in a long time.

My mom is SO happy. In the last few years she has gone from someone who fixes problems to someone who cries at any sign of trouble. She went from someone who loved being creative with meals and making dinner for the family to someone who just didn’t eat. She went from loving to paint with all the windows open and music loud to mostly spending her days in her dark room with Netflix. She stopped enjoying going out of the house with me. I always assumed it was the uterine cancer she had in 2011 that literally almost killed her. I just thought the fact that she went through so much had just completely broken her down.  This was around the same time she received her Lupus diagnosis as well, so until recently, that seemed like a likely reason for my mom to become this person.

Except… it was all my dad. It was my mom’s constant fear of her efforts still not being good enough to make him happy. It was the constant guilt she felt for enjoying herself when he was always in the other room, angry about something. It was from constantly feeling small because she kept having to ask her children for money just to live. He was always complaining about dinner (“Chicken for the second night in a row?” “How is this a meal? There’s no meat.”), so of course she stopped caring about cooking. She couldn’t enjoy her time out with me because he literally yelled at her for feeling happy when he noticed she did. I feel so guilty that I have looked down on my mom and lost respect for her because of the way she began moping around our lives – I never once considered it was the man who I looked up to SO much causing it all.

My mom spent the entire weekend helping me paint and decorate my room. She painted a dresser for me, took multiple long shopping trips picking out paint and decorations and sheets. She stayed up past midnight two nights in a row helping me. I convinced her to buy hot pink sheets for her room because she actually felt excited about them. She bought burgundy hair dye. She has enough food in her house to last her the entire month. The house isn’t dark all the time anymore, there’s no tension just wafting through the air.

I love my dad so much. But I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I wish he didn’t leave her this way – there are ways to end a marriage that don’t result in hurting everyone around you and causing chaos wherever you go. He could have talked it all out and we would have helped him find a place in town and get a job or budget and do whatever he needed to do. My mom even told him she’d help him get everything he needed to rent a studio apartment. Nothing is good enough for him though.

He’s across the country now with his sister and I mostly just feel relieved that he can’t come back all the sudden. He texts me once a day to tell me he loves me, so I know he’s alive. I don’t really care to know much more than that, though.

On a different note – I go camping with Bear and his family this weekend and then he’s coming home with me! I AM SO EXCITED. He hasn’t been here since the beginning of December but I have visited him a couple of time since then (I think at the end of Jan and then mid March) for 3 days each. I’ve seen him only 6 days in the last like 4 months. I’m so happy he’s coming back. He doesn’t know the room has been redone so he’s going to be so surprised. There’s so much space for all his stuff now, there’s no way he won’t love it.

4.3.17

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So, my dad took off on my family. Again. Let me start at the beginning.

Some years ago (like between 5-6 i think) my dad and my mom had a huge fight while I was at church, and my dad packed the car up and left. My dad at the time had a lot of anger issues but my parents were genuinely in love at this time and I was just a kid, and it was horrible. I cried so much. My heart was completely shattered. My dad ended up coming back that same day, he cried, he apologized. We found out he had depression issues he had felt too embarrassed about to say anything. We got him to the doctor and he got meds and things felt like they went back to normal for me.

March 2016 – My dad left suddenly again. I honestly believe my mind has protected me from some of this because I don’t remember how I found out. I just remember my heart broke, again. Bear was here with me. My dad claimed it was because we were poor all the time. He hadn’t been taking his meds correctly. My mom packed up all his things, my dad called me and told me he was going across the country to stay with his sister, who was messaging me on facebook telling me she wasn’t going to let him go. My dad was gone for a few days but when he left he took all the money with him. My mom had to scramble to figure out rent, and things were really really bad. My big brother stopped calling him dad after this. My dad came back a few days after he left but I could feel that things were not the same for my mom. My mom and I were the only two who wanted to let him come back. I was in denial. I wanted him back because I didn’t know how to deal with a reality where my parents were separated. This was an incredibly hard time. Nothing really went back to normal after this. My dad’s car got repossessed a few weeks after he came back. My mom became quiet and just got sicker and sicker (she has lupus, that’s what happens when she gets stressed). As the year went on bills started struggling more and more, and I was going broke every month paying bills for them.

March 2017, what just happened – I was watching a movie with Bear (he’s 3 hours away at home) when my dad comes in and tells me he’s leaving. I had known for a couple of months this was coming. He stopped taking his meds again.  He started getting angry at nothing. He said some really shitty things to me a couple of weeks ago about how Bear doesn’t love me. My mom told me a couple weeks ago that she had a feeling that he was going to leave when they got paid in April. I knew she was right but I was scared. So anyway, he sat on my bed and told me he’s leaving because he isn’t happy. and that he’s tired of spending all his money every month making everyone else happy. He eventually left. I cried all night. He came back later that night, drunk, and demanded he stay the night because it was too cold for him to sleep in the car and that he didn’t have money to leave for like 5 days. The next day my big brother got him a motel room and came over and told him to go (he was nice about it, but again, they haven’t gotten along since he left in 2016). We spent Friday morning sorting out bills, trying to take his name off things and budget so we could figure out how to help my mom cover it. All the bills were days away from being shut off – he hadn’t paid most of them in months. We found out the trash bill was $75/three months, but he told us it was $75 a month. He was pocketing money from the three of us (my little brother and big sister and me) every single month telling us he couldn’t pay that bill. He was going broke every month but not paying the electricity or gas. I WAS GIVING HIM MONEY CONSTANTLY FOR IT. They were going without food even though I was giving them money all the time. I have no idea what he was using all the money for. I had to go see my dad Friday because he demanded money from me, saying he had no food and no gas for the car and no money. I brought him $40 even though I couldn’t really afford it. He told me my mom kicked him out, which no, he left and came back and so we got him a motel. that’s not kicking anyone out? But anyway he told me he went broke every month paying bills and that’s why he was leaving. BUT HE WASN’T PAYING THE BILLS. My mind was scrambled. I got home and found out he came by the house and demanded $40 out of my little brother right before I brought him money, so he told me he had none even though my little brother JUST GAVE HIM MONEY.

He isn’t coming back this time but everything sucks so bad. To think my dad has been intentionally lying and taking money from me so long… then says he’s leaving because he never has money… it’s horrible. I have no idea how to process ANY of this. My dad has some mental issues, that’s obvious to me, but could it really be to the point where he’s really this bad person and doesn’t remember being that way? I have no clue.

3.13.17

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I’m in this habit of rereading my previous post before I make a new one, just so I can remember where I was at the last time I updated. Evidently, I wasn’t in a good place last time.

Bear and I are just fine now. I did as I said I was going to and stopped taking everything so seriously and tried hard to be the more silly girl I was when we met. I visited him and saw him in person, and we talked more about things. My main issue at that point was I was scared to have him come back to my house because I didn’t trust him not to pick fights with my shitty little brother. I explained to him exactly what would happen if he did that — which would be my family disliking him and making me feel like I have a bad boyfriend and then him not really being able to be here again because of my family. They will always take my brother’s side, even though he is ALWAYS wrong. So if he were to stand up to my brother’s bullshit, all that would happen is everyone would dislike Bear and make me feel dumb for being with him. After this long conversation, he finally got it.

I think he didn’t understand at first because he doesn’t realize my family doesn’t function on logic. They focus primarily on loyalty WHICH ALWAYS GETS THEM HURT. They really do believe loyalty is the most important thing but sorry, I’m not going to be loyal to my little brother who lets my parents eat a piece of 3 day old birthday cake for dinner when he has the means to buy groceries and just refuses. Bear’s family is more rational and logical than mine and can be talked out of situations because they understand logic. Bear finally got it and I felt like a weight was lifted off me for sure. He knows now what will really happen if he gets himself that involved, and now I believe he won’t do that.

We opened up so much sexually during our last visit. I mean, we tried to have sex and it just didn’t work, hahah. Like that sounds ridiculous but he had this whole idea in his head that we were gonna do it as soon as I got to his house. The whole moment felt so tense and rushed and weird. We have never planned things like that in our relationship, we always wait for things to happen organically. It had a lot of potential to be awkward, as after a while we just stopped trying and we were just kind of sitting there. I let him know it was okay and I didn’t feel weird, like we’re both virgins and my vagina is the size of a spaghetti-o and he doesn’t know what he’s doing either, and we overplanned it. We got over the moment and talked it out and it was a positive thing. I let all my friends think we did it though. Like we’ve done almost everything except that and I just don’t want to be talked down to about it. I’m 22 years old, not 16, they don’t need to know everything. Bear and I still had an incredible time and I’m excited to see him again to do more of that.

I’m going camping with his family for Easter, but I hope I can see him before that. He is supposed to come back with me after camping so I am a little tempted to not see him before that so I don’t have to drive home alone one more time. But I miss him, and that’s still a month away… I don’t know.

I’m having a hard time with money lately because I  have to keep paying my parents’ damn bills. I love them SO incredibly much, but I paid like half their rent for Feb and now this month I had to pay almost $300 in a gas bill and I’m just so over it. I hope when I get paid this week I can get my stuff back on track. I’m trying so hard to pay my credit card off and they’re making it impossible.

I had a huge fight with Chrystine a couple of weeks ago. I could tell she was mad at me for weeks, all because I call B my best friend (rightfully so, she is my best friend) on social media, and because I don’t text C that often. It has been exhausting because B has been suicidal and then all my stuff with Bear has just had me so emotionally spent, and Chrystine is the most needy person I’ve ever met. She went behind my back and messaged Chick (ex best friend and roommate who hates my guts) to say she was “under my spell” and that she was sorry she wasn’t her friend because of me. She even told her how SELFISH I am. Like sorry I’m spending all my time talking B down from killing herself and paying all my parents’ bills. sorry that’s too selfish for you.

Chrystine and I got over it – it really came down to her needing way more from me than I really have the energy to give. She apologized 100 times, and I’ve made more of an effort to text her. Of course, this means I’ve had no energy for B and I’m just glad she has managed to be okay without me. I just don’t have the energy for two friends.

I want to go back to school pretty badly, and I want to save up money, and I want to lose weight and have a more active life. BUT I AM SO TIRED OF TRYING SO HARD FOR EVERYTHING. I just need to take a nap for a couple weeks.

 

12.10.16

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Bear left a week ago and ever since he did, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. If we stay together, we will not have kids. I won’t be a mom. When I first started thinking about this, I was really scared and panicked. I’ve always imagined myself being a wife and a mom, never really thought to imagine things a different way. I realized I’ve been holding onto some hope that Bear will change his mind when the time is right. But I don’t think that’s right, either. I don’t want to be okay with our relationship just because I have hope he will change his mind. No, for things to be really okay, I have to accept that if this is the path I take, with my soulmate, there will not be children involved.

I really didn’t like this at first. Even tried to see how I would feel if we broke up by trying to imagine it clearly. It would be horrible. I don’t want to know a day where he’s not in my life as my partner. It comes down to this choice of a life with my soulmate without kids, or the possibility of kids but no soulmate.

I’ve always tried to look at this relationship as a “now” thing, and not make decisions about it based on what the future COULD hold for us. I was scared when we first started dating – we live kind of far apart, he doesn’t drive or work, I get scared driving that far.. we didn’t seem like a match. He didn’t like talking about the future with any hints of certainty and at 19 when we met that’s all I knew how to do. I was honestly scared. But even when we first started talking I knew I liked him enough to not focus on what could happen with us. If I am happy right NOW that’s what matters. I think it’s silly to break up just at the thought of something MAYBE not working in 8 years, like why end it if you’re currently happy.

That all being said, this won’t be a conversation between Bear and I until I am at a point that I really do want kids. If it does come to that point and he can’t say he also wants them, we make a decision about our relationship then. I just refuse to put a strain on us when I wouldn’t even want kids until I owned a house and had a stable career + money in savings. I hate how weird he gets about this topic and I do wish we could just have a conversation about it but he swerves around the topic any time it’s brought up. It’s super annoying but I do know that it’s not fair to keep bringing this up when we are no where near that stage in our relationship as it is.

On a positive note, I think Bear and I are getting close to taking that next step in our relationship.  I have been on my birth control for 2 months now and things have been stable and we got close a few times. I am so ready for it. I wouldn’t want this to happen with anyone else. Even if there was a 100% chance Bear and I would break up and I knew that, I would still want him to be my first. It’s really special to me and he’s perfect.

I’ve been so down since he left a week ago. I just want to sleep 24/7. Come back, Bear.