11.29.18

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How do I consistently forget to post here. More than half of my posts begin with something like “wow its been so long”.

So I guess first thing is an update with me and C! He came to visit me in the beginning of November for four days. Before this I’d only known him online so it was a lot. I had no idea what to expect. And now that I’ve had a sexual relationship with TP dating feels like a whole new playing field now. C and I always felt like we had really good chemistry via text but I had no idea how that was going to play out in person.

When he showed up that Thursday, I basically went and met him in his hotel lobby. He came down and found me. I was instantly so shy I couldn’t even look him in the eye, he was immediately coming on strong and complimenting me and looking me in the eyes and it was SO MUCH. Like so much pressure for me all at one time because I’m such a shy person and then I felt pressure because he spent so much money coming to see me and what if I wasn’t enough, and the pressure of having to entertain him for four straight days when I’m such a homebody had me so nervous. He kissed me Thursday night and it was so much more tongue than I was expecting and again, I was still so nervous I couldn’t look at him. So imagine how scary kissing him was!

By Friday night at dinner I could just tell he was getting turned off by how shy I was being but I literally could not get the words out to explain to him that I liked him and that i was only being quiet because I was shy. He was being great about it. He said “why don’t you take me back to the hotel, you can go home and relax, and you can come get me later on and we’ll do something” and I just knew I couldn’t let him go home without telling him. So I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and basically told myself I needed to talk to him because I was about to ruin something that could be so amazing. I left that bathroom, and I went out there, and I told him something like “I know I’m being quiet and I’m sorry it’s just I’M SO SHY and I tried to warn you before you came out here” and he was visibly relieved and said he just underestimated my shyness but that he was so glad I mentioned it and we talked about it for like 45 minutes. After that things felt so much better, I ended up having dessert with his mom and him that night (his parents came out at the same time for their anniversary!).

Saturday morning he met my family, we went and saw a musical production of Mamma Mia, and then he took me to a really fancy dinner for my birthday. He got me the movie A Quiet Place because him writing a post about that movie is the reason we started talking, and he got me a Dutch Bros cup with a sticker. SO THOUGHTFUL. When he kissed me that night I got butterflies and did not want him to go.  Sunday was his last day and we spent in bowling with my friends. It felt so sad to see him go because by that point I’d gotten completely comfortable with him. That Sunday night at dinner we talked about being official and Monday he called me his girlfriend so I guess this is where I’m at. I’m in a new relationship and he lives 3500 miles away. Why do I torture myself.

C and I obviously haven’t been sexual yet and I consistently miss the sex with TP. It’s hard knowing he’d be down and I could go do that if I wanted to but not being able to because I genuinely do want to see things work with me and C. But I have no idea how much chemistry him and I will have in that sense, and I know for a fact TP and I have it, and a girl just needs to get laid. WHY did I decide to date someone who lives so far away.

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3.11.18

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I have had literally no time to write in here because it’s been the busiest couple months of my life.

School is killing me. My classes are so reading and writing intensive. I feel like I’m never caught up, even though I’m not behind. I’m someone who needs to be ahead or I panic. So that’s going GREAT.

I’m almost sure my thyroid meds need to be upped, because I’m insanely tired all the time and slowly gaining weight. I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME FOR A DR APPT. and I need to switch doctors because my current doctor doesn’t medicate to optimal levels for some dumb reason?

I haven’t heard from Bear nor do I want to. I blocked his number, I blocked all his family members’ numbers, and everyone is unfriended on Facebook. His mom literally blocked me and he made a new account on Facebook and told everyone I was stalking him. Yes, I was reading his social media, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t have it public then, dumb ass.

Drum roll please — TP and I had sex. I’m not a virgin anymore. It was on February 10th. First thing’s first — IT HURT SO BAD. Why does no one tell you how bad it truly hurts? I bled for days. I couldn’t sit or walk normal for 2 days. My vagina felt like it had CARPET BURN. Why was I not warned? Anyway. The night it happened was amazing. It was awkward yes, and it hurt a lot, but we laughed so much about how awkward it was and he kept reassuring me. Every time since then has been a lot better, and I’m getting less and less awkward as it happens more.

This was so crazy to me because a) we’d been dating for only two weeks, and I’d barely talked to him for 2 months and b) I didn’t think I would ever be able to have sex because I thought my vag was too small. I have never even been able to use tampons, so I didn’t think this would be at all possible, but it is, and it’s all good. I feel like I’m finally actually an adult now. Maybe I rushed it a little because I was tired of being a virgin and because I was attracted to TP, but I’m happy.

In a weird turn of events, guess who is sleeping on the couch in my house? None other than C, my big brother’s incredibly hot best friend who told my entire family he had a crush on my around Thanksgiving, thus giving me the confidence to end things with Bear. but then nothing ever happened with him and I started dating TP. TP doesn’t know about C — C is a long time family friend and will be around forever and I didn’t want TP to feel weird. but man oh man looking at C every day and talking to him constantly is sooooooo .. like … just wow. I adore TP but I don’t mind looking at C every day either.

I need to update this more but it’s bed time so hopefully I’ll come with more soon!

 

1.26.18

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This month has been the craziest, happiest whirlwind of a month, and I never ever expected my life to be going the way that it is right now. I was in such a different place even just 5 weeks ago that I keep having to double-take and figure out how my life is where it is.

First thing’s first — TP and I are DATING. Like, he is my boyfriend.

Listen. I know it’s early. I know I JUST got out of a long relationship. But you guys all saw how bad that one was for me. I know TP lives far away, I know I know I know all of the crazy ways this could be bad. But… he’s amazing.

We began talking every single day, all day, and eventually that turned into late nights talking on the phone. Eventually that turned into facetiming for hours, and eventually that turned into me driving up to visit him last weekend. It was amazing. I didn’t know what to expect going into it. We both were aware we had feelings for each other but neither one of us was brave enough before the visit to ask what the other was expecting, so we kinda went in blind.

I got there on Thursday night. I met him at his bible study, he introduced me to everyone, and then we went to Chili’s (we have an insane amount of things in common, and one of them is our mutual love for Chili’s). Not gonna lie, things felt kind of awkward. I’m incredibly attracted to him and I felt a little shy, and I could tell he was feeling a little shy and closed off, and I didn’t initially feel that connection that we felt via text (where he was more open). This immediately made me scared that things between us wouldn’t be good. We got back to his house and he immediately put a movie on. I sat on his (twin-sized!) bed, and he sat on the floor. I could tell he wasn’t super comfortable, and I wanted him to sit with me, but it took me until almost the end of the movie to invite him up with me. The movie ended, we put on another one, and during that one we ended up laying down cuddling in his bed. It was super nice.

We were both falling asleep so we turned the movie off. Getting comfortable in his small bed when both of us were feeling so awkward was impossible. I was wide awake once we tried to settle down to sleep, of course. He noticed and asked if I was even tired anymore, and I told him no, and then we kissed. He tried to french kiss me, which SURPRISE, I had never done before. I was so embarrassed telling him that and we cut it short and went to sleep. I slept horribly, so did he.

The next day is when things got nice. We just hung out and went shopping during the day, but it was when we came back that things got comfortable. I was sitting on the edge of his bed and next thing I know he’s standing between my legs and we’re making out and let me tell you, I have never ever been so sexually attracted to someone as I am to TP. Things got heated and he started bringing up sex — am I waiting till marriage? why wait? and this opened the door to so much. First of all, now I know how “heat of the moment” situations happen because I was thisclose to going against my own self and sleeping with him because I was SO into him. We talked super deeply between kisses and all that. I said things like — I don’t want this to be all about sex. I want this to be more than just a “like” thing before sex. I want to know that it’s going to be a longterm situation before we have sex. He said things like — it is more than like for me. It won’t be all about sex, I promise; I don’t want that either. I’m in this for the long-run.

We talked about how much we liked each other. How I am a virgin, how it’s been a while for him, how scared I was to ruin things by having sex too soon. We kissed A LOT. He was so dominant but gentle — grabbing my things to pull me to the edge of the bed so we could be closer, etc. and TP is super attractive. Like, beautiful dark skin, white straight teeth, easy to smile, eyes that smile, the perfect voice that’s not too deep or too high, an easy laugh, long dreaded hair that looks so good on him, a thin but muscular frame, big hands, soft skin, broad shoulders, about 4″ taller than me. He is perfect in EVERY way. So yeah, I had a very hard time saying no to sex. and I maybe regret it a little, but not really, because I know it’ll be good when we do. But, it was during this situation where I was like, I’m not even your girlfriend yet. he said “I feel like you are” and I said, “I feel like you haven’t asked.” and then he used my full name and asked me and I told him yes and we kept kissing. The rest of the trip after this was beautiful and easy and comfortable. We slept well cuddled in his twin bed.

I left Sunday afternoon, and I truly didn’t want to leave. His little cousins live with him and they were so cute, and his mom and the rest of his family that I met were so sweet.

I love how light and easy our relationship is. There’s not this air of weird angry/sexual tension like there always was with Bear. Even when TP was – very obviously – turned on, he talked to me like normal, held me like normal, held normal conversations, didn’t make things about that. I couldn’t even breathe around Bear without him getting turned on and going off in his own pants (I’m so serious. It’s horrible.) and that always made me feel so weird.

The affection between TP is the best part. He seems to be as naturally affectionate as I am – leaning in for surprise kisses, automatically holding hands, absentmindedly rubbing legs/backs/arms. There was even a moment when he got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom. He saw that I was awake when he came back and he kissed me, then we both went back to sleep. There’s something so beautiful about that little stuff to me.

I love how he just seems comfortable in his own skin. He was dancing in my car, singing in restaurants, goofing off in stores.

I’m gonna go see him again next weekend, I really can’t get enough of him and it’s scary but incredible.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE. School started up again this week and I’m overwhelmed already. I have three online classes and 1 in person class. My in person class is amazing and easy and my online classes seem fun but tough so we’ll see how that goes.

I have been hanging out with Chick and her roommates (who I also knew from my church days), and I have been hanging out with a new coworker (sort of), Dawn. She’s so fun and easy to get along with. We’ve gone to the movies and to karaoke, and we’re going to the mall this weekend. She’s great.

I’m tired and gonna go call TP so we can talk till we pass out.

1.2.18

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Is anyone else shocked that I’m making so many posts lately??

It’s a new year! I love the start of new years. It didn’t feel as special this year, only because Bear’s birthday is the first and I was feeling weird about that. I had already paid for a trip for us that would have taken place next weekend before we broke up, and so I just kinda got caught in thinking about all that.

It’s the little things that sometimes get me and still make me sad. I probably won’t be buying anyone a valentine’s gift… i didn’t text him happy birthday because I didn’t want to hurt him on his birthday but also because I think he blocked me!

No lie, he texted me a few days ago, telling me he thinks I made a mistake and that I took out other stresses on him, and didn’t give him a chance to be what I needed, and that he was trying so hard, and that he gave me so much… It’s hard to hear that stuff, because that sometimes goes through my head – what if that was the love of my life and I ended it for a bad reason? but then again, I think he knew had to manipulate me into not trusting my own feelings and and I think maybe that’s what he was doing there again. it sounded like he wanted to get back together, but, like Bear does, he approached it in a way that was aggressive and mean. I know we needed to break up, but I feel weird about the interaction because we were in the middle of texting and the last message never delivered. So i’m pretty sure he blocked me. Why else would it send and not deliver?

Someone – we’ll call him TP – that I used to go to church with and work with has recently been in contact with me. He wanted to hang out when he was visiting a city in my state, but he didn’t realize he’d be 8 hours away so that didn’t work. Right after he messaged me, he tweeted about how “sliding in the DMs” didn’t work right, presumably because we couldn’t actually hang out. That made me think he may have a crush on me.

TP lives 2.5 hours away, not far from where Bear lives. The difference is that TP drives. He wants to come see me in my city soon, and I think that would be cool. We’ve been texting for the last few days straight, and he seems like a really sweet guy. He just got a job like 5 hours away from here, though, so I doubt anything romantic will come from this. BUT, you know what? TP can be my friend. I need a friend. He needs a friend. and we get along really well, and it’s fun to get to know someone new, and well, he’s always really sweet to me. If he’s the one for me something will happen eventually, but I’m still lowkey holding onto C. I really really just wanna date C.

So, another cool thing: Chick and I have reconnected. We have a long history, but the short version is: We were best friends from 7th grade to 2015 when we lived together and she did and said some shitty things and didn’t pay the bills and lied to me a million times. I think it comes down to both of us were trying to grow up and also trying to stay attached at the hip and it didn’t work. But I messaged her early in December and apologized for how things went down and now we’ve been texting. And we have plans to hang out on Sunday so I’m really hoping that all goes well.