4.10.17

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It’s been almost two weeks since my dad left, and they’ve been the most positive two weeks I’ve had in a long time.

My mom is SO happy. In the last few years she has gone from someone who fixes problems to someone who cries at any sign of trouble. She went from someone who loved being creative with meals and making dinner for the family to someone who just didn’t eat. She went from loving to paint with all the windows open and music loud to mostly spending her days in her dark room with Netflix. She stopped enjoying going out of the house with me. I always assumed it was the uterine cancer she had in 2011 that literally almost killed her. I just thought the fact that she went through so much had just completely broken her down.  This was around the same time she received her Lupus diagnosis as well, so until recently, that seemed like a likely reason for my mom to become this person.

Except… it was all my dad. It was my mom’s constant fear of her efforts still not being good enough to make him happy. It was the constant guilt she felt for enjoying herself when he was always in the other room, angry about something. It was from constantly feeling small because she kept having to ask her children for money just to live. He was always complaining about dinner (“Chicken for the second night in a row?” “How is this a meal? There’s no meat.”), so of course she stopped caring about cooking. She couldn’t enjoy her time out with me because he literally yelled at her for feeling happy when he noticed she did. I feel so guilty that I have looked down on my mom and lost respect for her because of the way she began moping around our lives – I never once considered it was the man who I looked up to SO much causing it all.

My mom spent the entire weekend helping me paint and decorate my room. She painted a dresser for me, took multiple long shopping trips picking out paint and decorations and sheets. She stayed up past midnight two nights in a row helping me. I convinced her to buy hot pink sheets for her room because she actually felt excited about them. She bought burgundy hair dye. She has enough food in her house to last her the entire month. The house isn’t dark all the time anymore, there’s no tension just wafting through the air.

I love my dad so much. But I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I wish he didn’t leave her this way – there are ways to end a marriage that don’t result in hurting everyone around you and causing chaos wherever you go. He could have talked it all out and we would have helped him find a place in town and get a job or budget and do whatever he needed to do. My mom even told him she’d help him get everything he needed to rent a studio apartment. Nothing is good enough for him though.

He’s across the country now with his sister and I mostly just feel relieved that he can’t come back all the sudden. He texts me once a day to tell me he loves me, so I know he’s alive. I don’t really care to know much more than that, though.

On a different note – I go camping with Bear and his family this weekend and then he’s coming home with me! I AM SO EXCITED. He hasn’t been here since the beginning of December but I have visited him a couple of time since then (I think at the end of Jan and then mid March) for 3 days each. I’ve seen him only 6 days in the last like 4 months. I’m so happy he’s coming back. He doesn’t know the room has been redone so he’s going to be so surprised. There’s so much space for all his stuff now, there’s no way he won’t love it.

3.13.17

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I’m in this habit of rereading my previous post before I make a new one, just so I can remember where I was at the last time I updated. Evidently, I wasn’t in a good place last time.

Bear and I are just fine now. I did as I said I was going to and stopped taking everything so seriously and tried hard to be the more silly girl I was when we met. I visited him and saw him in person, and we talked more about things. My main issue at that point was I was scared to have him come back to my house because I didn’t trust him not to pick fights with my shitty little brother. I explained to him exactly what would happen if he did that — which would be my family disliking him and making me feel like I have a bad boyfriend and then him not really being able to be here again because of my family. They will always take my brother’s side, even though he is ALWAYS wrong. So if he were to stand up to my brother’s bullshit, all that would happen is everyone would dislike Bear and make me feel dumb for being with him. After this long conversation, he finally got it.

I think he didn’t understand at first because he doesn’t realize my family doesn’t function on logic. They focus primarily on loyalty WHICH ALWAYS GETS THEM HURT. They really do believe loyalty is the most important thing but sorry, I’m not going to be loyal to my little brother who lets my parents eat a piece of 3 day old birthday cake for dinner when he has the means to buy groceries and just refuses. Bear’s family is more rational and logical than mine and can be talked out of situations because they understand logic. Bear finally got it and I felt like a weight was lifted off me for sure. He knows now what will really happen if he gets himself that involved, and now I believe he won’t do that.

We opened up so much sexually during our last visit. I mean, we tried to have sex and it just didn’t work, hahah. Like that sounds ridiculous but he had this whole idea in his head that we were gonna do it as soon as I got to his house. The whole moment felt so tense and rushed and weird. We have never planned things like that in our relationship, we always wait for things to happen organically. It had a lot of potential to be awkward, as after a while we just stopped trying and we were just kind of sitting there. I let him know it was okay and I didn’t feel weird, like we’re both virgins and my vagina is the size of a spaghetti-o and he doesn’t know what he’s doing either, and we overplanned it. We got over the moment and talked it out and it was a positive thing. I let all my friends think we did it though. Like we’ve done almost everything except that and I just don’t want to be talked down to about it. I’m 22 years old, not 16, they don’t need to know everything. Bear and I still had an incredible time and I’m excited to see him again to do more of that.

I’m going camping with his family for Easter, but I hope I can see him before that. He is supposed to come back with me after camping so I am a little tempted to not see him before that so I don’t have to drive home alone one more time. But I miss him, and that’s still a month away… I don’t know.

I’m having a hard time with money lately because I  have to keep paying my parents’ damn bills. I love them SO incredibly much, but I paid like half their rent for Feb and now this month I had to pay almost $300 in a gas bill and I’m just so over it. I hope when I get paid this week I can get my stuff back on track. I’m trying so hard to pay my credit card off and they’re making it impossible.

I had a huge fight with Chrystine a couple of weeks ago. I could tell she was mad at me for weeks, all because I call B my best friend (rightfully so, she is my best friend) on social media, and because I don’t text C that often. It has been exhausting because B has been suicidal and then all my stuff with Bear has just had me so emotionally spent, and Chrystine is the most needy person I’ve ever met. She went behind my back and messaged Chick (ex best friend and roommate who hates my guts) to say she was “under my spell” and that she was sorry she wasn’t her friend because of me. She even told her how SELFISH I am. Like sorry I’m spending all my time talking B down from killing herself and paying all my parents’ bills. sorry that’s too selfish for you.

Chrystine and I got over it – it really came down to her needing way more from me than I really have the energy to give. She apologized 100 times, and I’ve made more of an effort to text her. Of course, this means I’ve had no energy for B and I’m just glad she has managed to be okay without me. I just don’t have the energy for two friends.

I want to go back to school pretty badly, and I want to save up money, and I want to lose weight and have a more active life. BUT I AM SO TIRED OF TRYING SO HARD FOR EVERYTHING. I just need to take a nap for a couple weeks.

 

1.22.17

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Bear and I had our yearly January fight. Every single January since we’ve been dating he picks a huge fight with me where we almost break up, and every single January all he can manage to say is it is all my fault. He went on and on for hours about how he works so hard for me, he does so much, and how I am so bad for his mental health and he has been agonizing for YEARS apparently about how bad I am for him and how horrible everything is. I just let him go on and on about it because what the hell ever, but really? He kept saying I try to change him because I ask him not to pick fights with my family and to try not to be an asshole when he talks to me. He thinks he’s suuuuuch a hero because he puts effort into our relationship.

He doesn’t recognize that that’s just what you do in a relationship. I constantly put effort in to care about things he is passionate about, to spend time doing things that make him feel loved because let’s face it, I am much easier to please than he is and he needs a lot more quality time than I do. I put constant effort in because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. I dote all over him. I don’t tell him most of the time when he hurts my feelings. I go above and beyond constantly and it always feels like it isn’t enough for him.

I never doubt our relationship until this big fights that he picks for no reason. He gets mean. I mean, he literally told me I am bad for his mental health. All I do is encourage him to talk himself through the panic and to speak up for himself. Honestly I am scared for our future because he can’t get a job because of his mental health and how would we EVER afford to live together like that? but I love him, and I’ve accepted that, so I don’t say anything. I ask him to think about how what he’s saying is hurtful to me and apparently that is me “trying to change him”. Sorry it’s such an effort to not hurt your girlfriend’s feelings all the time. Sorry it is sooo hard to care about how what you’re saying affects someone else.

I just get SO frustrated because it feels like he just says mean things until I am beaten down and just say “okay” over and over until he’s pleased. I am never right. He apparently never hurts my feelings, and any time I think he does, it’s just me overreacting. I apparently should not be his problem. He loves me and makes me feel so amazing some of the time but he doesn’t CARE that his words have effect on people, he thinks he should be able to say whatever he wants and everyone else should deal with it or fuck off.

He has helped me grow so much and I was so sure of our future and now it’s like, is this what I have to look forward to? Once a year being told I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve him and me crying and scrambling to make him happy again for a few months until he decides to rage at me again?

He has been the love of my life. I am scared that we won’t make it to forever. I am not going to break up with him right now but I just can’t get over this all. He makes me feel like such shit sometimes and I can’t ever say that because he will just guilt me and tell me I’m over reacting. He isn’t good at saying sorry because he doesn’t feel he should have to.

In the beginning of our relationship he cared so much more whether he hurt my feelings. He was always saying sweet things and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. It’s like we have a wall up since then. I am going to genuinely try this out and try to not be so sensitive because I do admit that because we are so close I don’t feel bad telling him when he’s hurt me but maybe that comfort has caused me to be too sensitive and therefore cause this issue.

I’m going to just chill out. Be more loving and just assume anything he says is joking. I’ve obviously gotten too comfortable in our relationship.

He just called me and ignored it. I don’t WANT to talk to him. We have talked since we fought because at first I was just so grateful he didn’t break up with me, but I’m just this dull angry now. I’m not sure I will call him back or say goodnight to him tonight. I may just watch some more gossip girl and then go to bed. I know I need to be affectionate and loving but I don’t have it in me right now and I almost WANT to hurt his feelings.

11.13.16

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I turn 22 tomorrow! I can’t believe it’s already been a year of 21. It’s been a long year and I’ve done a lot of growing up.

Things have been okay. As I’ve talked about before, I bought my new car in August and so far the payments plus the car insurance have had literally 0 effect on my life. Like somehow I had an extra $400 a month that I was just spending on nonsense obviously since it has been no issue to spend that money on car payments. I do sometimes feel anxious about this, because with my job, it has an end point. I can’t work in this specific job forever, because eventually the kids will age up and my job will be redundant. I do have probably more than a year left with them. But I don’t have a college education and I can’t afford my current life style on a minimum wage job, so I do get anxious about what my next job will be.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Baby W. He is almost 6 months old. His mom, my SIL, and I have had some issues because she feels like he likes me better and that everyone thinks I am better with him than she is, which isn’t true but she’s very insecure and it causes rifts between us. I am a natural mom, a natural caretaker. Understanding babies comes so easily to me, as does making them laugh and keeping them happy. But, she has a much harder job with baby W than I do, being that she is responsible 100% for anything that happens to him and she always has to do the hard/tedious stuff (diaper changes, feeding, putting to sleep, etc). not to say she doesn’t love those things, but it is much easier on me because I don’t have to do those things all the time. She loves her baby and her baby loves her, he is just very social and loves attention from others as well.

Bear has been with me since the beginning of September. Before that, I hadn’t seen him since the end of April except for a 3 day visit for our anniversary. He will be leaving in early December probably, and not coming back until February or March. While it does suck to be apart, this situation works best for us since he doesn’t need to leave his family permanently and I am not ready to move there either. He is truly my best friend and the love of my life. Obviously there are no guarantees but I’m not sure how I would move on if we didn’t stay together.

I set up my primary care doctor for the first time ever in October. He put me on the birth control pill (at my request) and called back a few weeks after my labs were done to tell me my thyroid wasn’t functioning correctly and that I needed to be on medication. I’m not sure if there is a diagnoses of hypothyroidism and I won’t know until maybe my next appointment next week. My birth control has made me bleed for the last like 25 days straight and it’s killer. The first two weeks of this it was just light bleeding, but I had bad stomach aches and horrible mood swings and felt very depressed. That all passed, but now my bleeding is heavier and I’ve had bad cramps. I’m hoping when I start my second pack after this placebo week that the bleeding stops, but I will obviously address this with my doctor next week as well. I’ve also had a weird rash pop up on my arm that I feel may be BC related. WHO KNOWS. I feel so tied down taking all these pills all the time.

Anyway, wish me happy birthday!!

 

8.20.16

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So. I finished Parenthood. By accident. I was babysitting for the Barbie family and I was bingeing Parenthood and on the last scene of the last episode, realized it was the LAST episode. I cried so much! So many times.

I’ve lost 10 pounds since my last update! I still have like 60 pounds I’d like to lose in an ideal situation but I’m not too worried about it. All just by eating LCHF. I’ve been a little more active for sure but mostly just avoiding carbs, sugar, soda. I’m allergic to artificial sweeteners so I can’t have diet anything, just drinks sweetened with Stevia instead of sugar. I’ve a couple of times had a dessert or something kinda carby but for the most part, I’ve been really good. I didn’t feel good for a few days after I really started but now I feel great. I don’t get stomach aches anymore!

Baby W is as cute and amazing as ever. He laughs now, for real. He’s about to be 3 months old.. I can’t even believe it. SIL and I are as close as ever.

My little brother had a very scary health situation on Thursday. I can never convince him to drink water. I’ve been telling him for months that it’s going to catch up with him. Well, Thursday, it did. He was throwing up and had diarrhea, which dehydrated him worse than he already was. This caused his blood pressure to drop, which caused him to pass out. He also had a seizure. He passed out 4 times before my family called 911. Paramedics couldn’t find his pulse immediately because his heart was skipping around. He was in the ER for 6 hours and he has a terrible concussion now and is on all sorts of meds. I at least hope this gets him to stay hydrated now. It was literally so scary.

I GET TO SEE BEAR IN LIKE 13 DAYS. We’re going to a concert and then he’s coming back with me and I’m so excited to have him here with me all the time. I saw him for a few days in July but we haven’t spent a lot of time together since April! SO READY!!

I really want to go back to college in the winter. I miss school so bad. My anxiety makes everything really scary and bad and hard. But I think I can do it.

7.30.16

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I’m actually writing this tonight while watching Parenthood and babysitting for the Barbie family. If you’ve watched Parenthood, please talk to me about how incredible it is because I cry during almost EVERY episode. I’m in the middle of season 6.

My SIL started nannying for the Barbie family this month! Which is literally so incredible because they are within walking distance from our houses (remember she lives with my parents and I live right next door to my parents), I won’t lose out on weekend babysitting because Barbie mom loves me and SIL wants to be home weekends with baby W anyway, and SIL working means I may not have to fork over my entire check to my family. Sorry that it’s been passed on to you, SIL.

SIL and I have been getting so close. She is so similar to me. She is quiet. She would rather dislike something quietly and have everyone else be happy rather than say something and have everyone fuss over her. She is sassy, but only after she’s comfortable with you. She’s so cute. She’s so funny. She’s a great mom. We connect so well, on so many levels. I love when I can get her to really, really laugh. I sound like I have a crush on her but I think I’ve just finally learned to appreciate people for who they are rather than focusing on disagreements. I just want to protect her from everything. I miss her when we aren’t together!! I love SIL seriously, so much. My little brother (her husband) can be SUCH AN ASSHOLE but I can see the love she has for him in her face, even when she’s complaining about him. He deserves that. He’s a jerk, but he deserves the love she gives him.

She gave me the most beautiful nephew I could ever imagine having. He smiles at me sometimes like I’m the coolest thing ever. I can get him to coo and grin like no other (except mom and dad). He loves my hair! I can get him to sleep so easily. I can’t believe my baby nephew is already 2 months old. 9 weeks last week! He’s growing way too fast.

I’ve been good, happy. I miss Bear more than anything. He’ll be back with me in September, but it feels so far away. He’s the best parts of me! I think he’s going to be moving in with me in September but we haven’t talked too much about that. I just feel that’s where we’re headed. 🙂

I’ve really been buckling down on losing weight and getting healthy. While I by no means look any more than “chubby” I’m considered obese. It’s been kind of hard but I am starting to see differences in my face and my stomach. I haven’t been telling Bear about it because I want him to be so impressed when he sees me.

I’m literally sobbing at Parenthood right now. sobbing.

7.18.16

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I always want to update this and then I just forget by the time I have time!!

Best thing that has happened this month was – my anniversary with Bear!! He loved his open when letters with the pictures and love coupons and told me I “won” our anniversary. He got me Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on Bluray and Silver Linings Playbook on bluray, plus 2 CDs. One with 2 of The Menzingers’ albums on it and the other with Lemuria and Sorority Noise. I loved it! I love getting gifts that make me feel like the person giving them really knows me.

I know I told everyone in June that he says he wants to be with me forever.. and I really felt that during our trip. Our first night together after two months of nothing was so amazing. He took his time with me, really appreciating my body and really kissing me slow and intentionally (instead of me kissing him!). I loved it.

B decided we’re not going to live together because she thinks I should force Bear to get a job before he’s ready so that we can split things 1/3 1/3 1/3. But I think that’s dumb and I’m not going to force an already anxious person to get a job when I know how much he struggles. It would be so cruel. I love him more than I want to move out. SO. Back to ground 0. We struggled with each other for a little bit but we have recently made up and everything is okay now.

I’ve noticed that since I got rid of my desktop I’ve been a much more social person, like when it comes to family and stuff. I spend my full weekends at my parents’ house and I don’t feel restless and bored as often so I think I’m happy that I got rid of the computer. All I need is my low-functioning old laptop 🙂