9.3.17

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I’ve wanted to update for a few weeks but I’ve not been able to find the time! School started last week. They are a lot of work and I’m having to work on it 2-4 hours every day but I’m not behind in any class and I haven’t felt in over my head yet. I’ve still had some good quality time with Bear. I spent 4 hours today reading 40 pages for my Substance Abuse Education class, fully focused, because I just had to take so many notes. It’s insane but I love it. I love having to manage my time and the feeling of productivity that I get after working on an assignment.

I’ve been with Bear in his home-town for the last few days and it’s been nice. I’ve done a lot of homework and we’ve eaten a lot of junk food. What’s funny is we’ve been sleeping separately this entire time — and I’ve enjoyed it! I love having Bear with me but he’s been here so long that I sometimes miss having my own space and not having to answer to anyone if I want to be alone. Sleeping alone the last few nights has been comfortable and I’ve gotten good sleep, and so has he.

Custody stuff with baby W has been messy. Butterfly hates my brother and thinks he has never been baby W’s dad (even though he literally is) and she is definitely going to fight custody when they divorce. It’s hard because she’s my best friend and I hate that she’s acting that way. Baby W needs time with his dad and his dad’s family and I’ve genuinely loved getting to see him away from Butterfly because I don’t feel I have to dampen down my affection or the way I take care of him. I ask her before I do things with him to give her the illusion that I trust her instincts and all that but I really don’t and I know 100% that I know baby W better and take care of him better. That’s shitty but she’s young and inexperienced and not in a good place in her life. She is 23 weeks pregnant with baby bean, her current boyfriend is literally so irresponsible (and is apparently on parole for being accused of rape…), she is living in her dad’s living room, she isn’t working and her bf is not good with money, etc. I love her so much and I want what’s best for her but I have a hard time helping her because of the pit she got herself into.

I love taking care of baby W. Loving him makes me a better person. I love watching him learn, I love bringing him with me and showing me off, and sometimes I wish I was his mom and I could just bring him up the way I want to. That’s wrong of me, whatever, I’m allowed to say all my bad thoughts/feeling her in my anonymous blog.

So basically my time is spent between work, school, Bear, and baby W. I’m pretty happy. I have all those stupid health issues going on but I’m just focusing on eating better and exercising more (IF I CAN FIND TIME??) and having a positive outlook on things. I haven’t had a gallbladder flare up since I went to the ER, and my doctor told me my thyroid IS elevated but she won’t change the med unless it’s elevated again in 3 months when she checks it because she doesn’t want to overdose me. I get it, but it’s annoying.

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7.28.17

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I spent my entire day from 10 am to 7pm in extreme abdominal pain and then in the ER for it. Every once in a while I get these horrific stomach aches that start on my right side and slowly build until my entire back and stomach hurt so bad that I can hardly breathe. It feels like there’s a balloon expanding so big under my ribs, I  can’t get comfortable. I get so nauseas and the pain is literally 12 out of 10 horrible. I have had two ‘attacks’ in 2 weeks so I went to the ER today because I was scared maybe something serious was happening.

Basically they took my blood (which is usually so easy but today the dr poked around with the needle in my arm for literally 5 minutes and I bled everywhere), got an ultrasound, and did a urine test. I do have gallstones and I will need to get my gallbladder removed. I am scared about it, but also, this pain is literally so horrible I would do almost anything to never feel it again. If it means surgery and a different diet for the rest of my life, then fine. I just know this pain isn’t something I can let keep taking over my days like this.

My family stuff has been whatever. I don’t really talk to my dad nor do I go see them. Butterfly is still living with her dad so I guess she is just staying there? Who knows.

Chrystine is actually coming to see me next week! I’m really excited to spend some time with her as it’s been over a year since I’ve seen her. I hope my gallbladder pain stops enough for me to enjoy her visit.

I’m so tired from all the pain meds and spending my day at the hospital. I was determined to stay up late today because it’s my weekend and my whole day was spent in the hospital which in my opinion is a shitty weekend.

I’m really excited for school to start up in like 5 weeks. I keep toying with the idea of getting a second job just to save money but I realize I applied for school thinking I’d have my 3 day weekends and evenings to do homework. I need to see how I adjust to school and work together before I try to get another job.