Bear and I broke up.
It happened last Wednesday, and I’d known pretty much since the last post I made that it needed to happen. But I tried. Really hard. And I think he tried in his own way, too. But we’re just too different.
There was so many little things that made it not work. He didn’t like having to think about my feelings after I’d hurt his. He felt it was okay to be mean if I hurt his feelings. He just didn’t really think about me. At night when he’d want to stay up late he would leave the light on… even though I was the one with a full time job and going to college full time… and he had a living room he could stay up in. He was so mean to the cats, he lost his temper so quick over everything. He even said to me “You can do the same thing to me 100 times and get 100 different reactions.” So he obviously understood how temperamental and unpredictable he was, he knew I didn’t like it, he made no effort to change it. He said I was “dulling his self-expression and creativity” by making him “analyze” aka EXPLAIN his moods. He communicates like an alien. I mean it was like being in a relationship with someone who grew up alone on an island and had no language skills or any clue how to read body language/facial expressions. After 3.5 years he still didn’t know what gifts to buy me. He never gave me validation because he said I shouldn’t need it. He wouldn’t acknowledge me when I walked into our room to talk unexpectedly because I didn’t text him first and it was too overwhelming for “everything to change all at once”. He posted online yesterday that he doesn’t miss me as a person, just my companionship. How can you be with someone for 3.5 years and not miss who they are as a person 3 days later?
I’m going to be really blunt here. It’s going to sound mean. that’s okay.
He literally did nothing. He didn’t work. He is 26 years old, less than a month from being 27, and didn’t work. Didn’t drive. He sat at home all day on his computer and then demanded 1-1 time with me while expecting me to make dinner (he “tried” to help but often ended up snapping at me and being annoying because he was “overwhelmed”). And this is after a full day at work and while I’m going to school full time as well. I supported him financially. He wouldn’t spend time with me + my family or friends because he felt “uncomfortable”. Or he’d do it but he’d be in a bad mood the whole time, or he’d do it and then be angry with me when we were alone. SO I always had to choose him or my family? him or my friends? His mom would send him money for us to do have dates, but that always felt so weird to me. I did so much for him and he doesn’t “miss me as a person”? What kind of shit is that?
When we broke up it was all civil and we haven’t talked since he left. We cried for two days at my house and talked so much. It felt really hard at first. But it’s been a week today and I feel that it was the best choice. and I feel ready to move on. Since he posted some shitty things online after the breakup it just validated that it needed to happen. There was no communicating with him… there was just no being with him happily.
I’m already crushing somewhere else. I don’t know what nickname to give here yet but I’ll just write about him. He’s my older brother’s best friend – 29 years old (I just turned 23). I’ve known him since I was like 12 and have always had a crush on him. He’s quiet. When he talks to me he makes eye contact and he smiles with his eyes. He’s so freaking attractive. He’s respectful. He HAS A JOB AND A CAR AND A LIFE. He loves kids and cats. He told my family over thanksgiving that he likes me, apparently gushed about liking the way I dress and the way I carry myself and even got excited about me taking my hair down when we were playing with the puppy together a couple weeks ago. Before my sister told me about this I’d actually been thinking about if it was something that could ever work, and I felt the vibe from him when we were playing with the puppy. I know it seems soon but I’m ready to be happy.
In other news, school ends this week! I will have all 4 A’s and 1 B. I think that’s pretty good when I work full time as well.
My dad got kicked out a couple of weeks ago, so it’s been hard dealing with that again. He’s back East now.
Butterfly is due with her second baby in just a few weeks here and I have like a week and a half off work right when she’s due so I’ll probably get to be there for the birth. I am so excited!!!!