10.13.17

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Sometimes I feel like I’m literally the busiest person alive. Between full time classes, full time work, spending time with Bear, and dealing with my insane family, I feel like I don’t get time to just be my own person.

I’m going to be going with Bear to his family for Thanksgiving. My mom literally doesn’t want Bear at Thanksgiving because he removed my dad from the fantasy football league they did together. My dad LITERALLY CRIED over this and talked about how it’s a “threat” from Bear and how no one has any loyalty anymore. Keep in mind this is the same dad that abandoned me.

I’m excited to spend thanksgiving with Bear’s family though. They will be picking us up and bringing us home, so I don’t have to worry about driving through snow. My mom is going to be pissed when she realizes no one is going to be there for Thanksgiving and I’m sure my older sister will talk shit the whole time about how I’m with bear’s family but I just don’t care. I’m so shut off emotionally from their shit.

School has been crazy. I have all A’s and one B+ so far. I think next semester I will just take 4 classes instead of 5; I don’t feel like I have enough time to study for tests and stuff like this and I think I’d do better with less classes.

I have a notebook that I have been writing letters to Bear in since we started dating in 2014. I took it out of the drawer this morning looking for something, and I didn’t put it back, and GUESS WHO FOUND IT. BEAR. He thought I left it out for him, and at dinner tonight, he grabbed my hands and said “I saw the book you left me” and I was soooo mortified. I hadn’t filled the notebook up yet nor was I sure if I was ever going to let him see it. But he told me over and over how much he loved it. I’ll keep writing him letters and maybe give it to him when we get married or something. I’m glad he reacted so nicely to it but holy cow I didn’t mean for him to see that.

 

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5.12.17

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My life is constant chaos. There is rarely ever any sign of peace or comfort.

Since my dad left, my little brother had been stepping up to pay bills for my mom. She can’t work because she’s sick and she only makes enough money for the rent and some groceries with her government aid, so when my dad left, we all kind of panicked. There was still the gas, water, trash, electric, and internet bills to pay. But little brother said he would take care of it and he did, for a while. He got all the bills caught up and spent more than a thousand dollars doing so.

The other day, his girlfriend, Kay, lost her shit. She got into a fight with my brother in the house which included lots of screaming, crying, and punching holes through walls. My little brother told her to leave multiple times and she wouldn’t. Things calmed down the next day but my mom was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the level of violence that happened, especially because Baby W lives there. She sat down with Kay when they were having coffee and said, calmly “We can’t have that kind of fighting in the house again,” and Kay went berserk. Screamed at mom, lunged at her, etc. Left the house saying she was never coming back.

Now, Kay has been weird for the last couple of weeks. Things like getting mad when my brother would spend time with his baby (baby W) but not her 2 year old. Telling him he isn’t allowed to drink, going through his phone, policing his money. So we all kind of knew she was bad news and I have been done with her attitude for weeks.

But after this fight with my mom, she went to my brother, said my mom chased her out of the house screaming at her, and that night my brother decided he was moving out immediately. Did exactly what Dad did – took off with no warning and with all the money. My family speculates that it’s just Kay lying to him and turning him against the family but if you ask me, brother would have done this anyway. He has always been selfish and self-centered and only ever cares about people or things as long as they are constantly benefitting him. He broke up with my sister in law (we’ll call her Butterfly since she won’t technically be my sister in law anymore soon) because she stopped having sex with him.

I am more angry at him and Kay than I ever thought I could be. How can someone be so manipulative and evil like Kay is? She has obviously encouraged this situation to happen. How can my little brother be such a little shit? How can someone turn on their entire family for someone they’ve been dating for 6 months? His plan is to live in a MOTEL for a month because Kay has somehow convinced him he will save money that way. Keep in mind he is 18, she is like.. 21? and this is his first job as an adult. He is making a lot of money and has no clue how to handle it. Kay constantly talks about how good she is with money but I really suspect that she just wants to use him for his money. And whatever, you know? I have disliked my brother for years and this is just the final straw. He is supposed to get his things from my mom’s place by Sunday and then I’m blocking his dumbass on Facebook and blocking his phone number. I absolutely want nothing to do with him ever again.

I have Mother’s Day planned out so well. I got Butterfly, Mom, and my older sister some individual gifts plus I have planned with my big brother to bring them all over to his house for coffee and brunch on Sunday and they have no clue where I’m taking them. I believe that day will at least be good.

Bear has been here for a few weeks now and things have been mostly good. I started getting my anxious-trapped feeling that I have gotten in previous relationships when they needed to end and that freaked me out to the extreme. I knew I needed to figure out why I was getting that feeling and do what I could do fix it, and I think I did. I think a lot of it was my anxiety from my home situation, but also some of it was just the way Bear talks to me. He snaps often, he has a temper, and I never know what’s going to make him angry. Anger scares me. Anger from men my whole life has meant screaming and throwing things and leaving and saying very hurtful things, and Bear is included in this. When he gets angry he says mean things and he gets loud and he usually leaves the room I am in. I feel like he gets angry out of nowhere. When I’m mad at him I think so hard about what I say to him and never say things like “I can’t stand you” even when I feel it. Because that hurts feelings and it’s not a forever feeling, it’s usually just because I feel mad that I feel that way. But he doesn’t think first and just says whatever he can to hurt my feelings when he’s angry at me. Even when he isn’t angry, he will randomly say mean things.

For example, I came home from work and told him I was going to start a load of laundry. He says “Good luck with that. They’re doing laundry.” His tone was rude and even just what he said was so unnecessary. How hard is it to just say “I’m pretty sure your sister is doing laundry so you may not be able to do that tonight.” He just doesn’t comprehend that you can’t be an asshole all the time. This has always been an issue with us. He talks so harshly, and though I have tried to not let it get to me, it does anyway. I talked to him about this and we basically concluded that I just need to give him what he gives me. I need to tell him, “Don’t talk to me like that.” when he snaps at me for no reason (if I even think about snapping at him he says that to me). I need to snap back when he yells at me for no reason.

This is a big deal to me. I can’t feel comfortable if someone is going to be mean to me, even with just their words, constantly. He is nice in every other way – he does things for me without me asking, he thinks of me, etc. but his words sometimes are so harsh and I can’t spend my life with someone who has a quick and unpredictable temper like his. I have grown up with it and I just can’t marry it, too. I hope it doesn’t get to that kind of situation because I do feel we can be perfect for each other. I’ve just been feeling so anxious realizing that I can’t be with him if he doesn’t get better.

On a different note, I want to go back to school. I think I will be able to in the fall if I get on top of it and figure out what I’m doing soon. I hope so, because I just need to go back to school.

10.16.16

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I live with constant guilt.

I feel guilt mostly relating to feeling like I don’t spend enough time with my family and close friends. My parents aren’t old but they’ve been smoking for 30 years and they both have so many misc health problems that realistically, I have about 10 years left with them. They probably won’t see me get married or have a kid.

I don’t spend a lot of one-on-one time with them. I can’t afford to take them to dinners or breakfasts often. The most I do for them is the occasional pack of cigarettes or Starbucks coffee.

I don’t have a close relationship with my youngest brother. He’s 19, and kind of an asshole. I spend much more time with his wife. My other little brother has a rare health problem that barely anyone else has ever had. I don’t know how much time we will have together but we have no common interests and he knows I love him.

I love my boyfriend more than anything. I want to spend my life with him. I feel horrible when I stop hanging out with him to hang out with anyone else. Especially because he lives so far away and when he’s here I feel I should spend almost all of my time with him.

All this guilt is so hard to hold sometimes. ¬†I know my family doesn’t hold anything against me and that they love me and the time they get with me. I just feel this pressure to make everyone happy all the time and it’s s heavy.

I don’t by any means think I’m a bad person and I know I’m doing my best but it doesn’t feel good enough.

7.18.16

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I always want to update this and then I just forget by the time I have time!!

Best thing that has happened this month was – my anniversary with Bear!! He loved his open when letters with the pictures and love coupons and told me I “won” our anniversary. He got me Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on Bluray and Silver Linings Playbook on bluray, plus 2 CDs. One with 2 of The Menzingers’ albums on it and the other with Lemuria and Sorority Noise. I loved it! I love getting gifts that make me feel like the person giving them really knows me.

I know I told everyone in June that he says he wants to be with me forever.. and I really felt that during our trip. Our first night together after two months of nothing was so amazing. He took his time with me, really appreciating my body and really kissing me slow and intentionally (instead of me kissing him!). I loved it.

B decided we’re not going to live together because she thinks I should force Bear to get a job before he’s ready so that we can split things 1/3 1/3 1/3. But I think that’s dumb and I’m not going to force an already anxious person to get a job when I know how much he struggles. It would be so cruel. I love him more than I want to move out. SO. Back to ground 0. We struggled with each other for a little bit but we have recently made up and everything is okay now.

I’ve noticed that since I got rid of my desktop I’ve been a much more social person, like when it comes to family and stuff. I spend my full weekends at my parents’ house and I don’t feel restless and bored as often so I think I’m happy that I got rid of the computer. All I need is my low-functioning old laptop ūüôā

6.12.16

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Bear told me the other day that he has realized that he wants to be with me forever. This feels like a huge deal! It feels the equivalent of an adult promise-ring. He isn’t one to say things like that that he doesn’t mean. He said our first I love you months after we both felt it. He is honest about when he thinks I look good (as much as some women don’t like being told they ‘don’t look their best’, I love that he says this to me because it means when he thinks I look good, I know he’s being real). About a year ago, I wrote in a journal I have for him (all letters to him, to be given to him when it’s full. maybe for a wedding present) that I knew he was the one for me. His actual text was, word for word:

Me: *big long praise about how he always exceeds my expectations*

Him: you know why? it’s because i love you and even at our lows, I still love you. I won’t do anything to jeopardize losing the love of my life. I know I’ve never said it but i’m certain now. you’re the love of my life and i want to be with you forever.

Me: You are amazing.

Him: You’re the perfect woman for me.

This may seem rather insignificant but it isn’t to me. He has never done anything but allude to a future with us together. This conversation has made me feel even MORE secure in a future with him. We may be young but I know he’s it. I just know it.

There was a whole situation with my dad’s car (long story short it got repossessed when my mom was taking baby W to get his circumcision. like literally, they’re in the parking lot in a hospital. obviously my parents didn’t get the privilege of the car if they can’t pay it BUT how scummy is it to take a car away in a hospital parking lot?) and that was my ride to Bear’s house. I can drive and I have a car but I hate driving long distances alone, I get super anxious. ¬†I tell Bear we need to ¬†find a new way for me to get to him. His little brother immediately volunteers to come get me and take me home AND his mom is covering gas. I expressed thanks to his family and he said “this family has each others’ backs” alluding to me being part of the family!

SO ONTO the whole reason I’m writing. Redbeard and Val got married yesterday. Let me give a brief synopsis so everyone knows why this is a thing I need to talk about.

Redbeard is my ex boyfriend. We dated from August 2012 to August 2013. Bad match. He had depression issues and didn’t know how to be assertive or himself. He loved me, though. I was 0% sure of how to let him get to know me. I felt very uncomfortable around him even though I had a crush on him and loved him as a person. I broke up with him right after our anniversary (though I’d been feeling it since June of that year) because I felt stifled by his affection (which I now think is just because I didn’t know how to reciprocate, I was very sex-repulsed at the time not realizing demisexual was a thing). We had a lot of communication issues (I’d be annoyed or upset with him but couldn’t tell him because he’d flip out and apologize 100 times which made me feel like I was kicking a puppy. Even when I begged him to talk to me about how he felt about things he would just stare at me.) We just were not a good fit.

Val is my ex-best friend and was Redbeard’s close friend at the time. We had a rocky friendship to start but when I started crushing on Redbeard, she totally played messenger and encouraged us to get together, despite rumours of her liking him (I even told her I’d back of him if she had feelings). He told me he’d never date her, She said she doesn’t have feelings for him, so I go for it.

Anyway, we break up. I’m sad about it despite it being necessary. Val is the one I go to for advice and comfort and rants about all of¬†this. She is visiting him a lot and he and I are mostly friends. I had a weird feeling about the visits (she did visit him instead of celebrating my birthday with me..) but maybe felt it was just post-breakup jealousy. Fast forward to January 2014, they both text me at the same time saying they are dating each other. They had been dating for 3 weeks when they tell me. I find out all my friends know. I am devastated and stop talking to both of them AND everyone who knew and didn’t tell me. I was 19. Not emotionally in control of myself. Always bouncing from one extreme to the next.

I meet Bear a month later, feeling fine about Redbeard and Val a year later. I want to apologize to both of them but feel it would be wrong to upset them again and fear the rejection of them if they want nothing to do with me. January this year I am close to sending a letter. BUT THEN they get engaged and he blocks me on Facebook and I feel it’s bad timing. I don’t want it to appear it’s just because they got engaged.

And now current time. They got married yesterday. It’s weird. SOO weird. I am a different person than I was when I knew them and I desperately want to know them again. But now it’s bad timing because they just got married. I think I need to just accept that they are no longer in my life for good. It’s sad.

I had a dream Friday night that I was with Redbeard and apologizing and he was smiling and holding my hand (platonically) and saying he understood. Val was okay too. She wanted us to all be friends. I woke up and felt so happy until I realized it was a dream. Seriously, this situation has haunted me for 2 years. I just want to feel at peace about this!

 

6.7.16

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I’ve been SO mentally well lately! For lots of reasons. Lots of things just falling into place the way I needed them too and my mental health has been so good, consistently.

I struggle with money. I grew up in poverty; as an adult, I can see how this has affected how my parent spend their money and make financial decisions. I am trying so hard to not let those habits get me and keep me in the cycle of poverty that my family is used to. I have let them use my credit card to pay bills and have been trying to pay it off for two years.

WELL, I got a big paycheck (there were 10 days of pay on this instead of 8 because of the end of May being in the middle of the week), and I was able to put about $300 between my credit card and my savings account. I’ve also had the opportunity to babysit for the Barbie family who just had their new baby the day after baby W was born, and they pay me well. Plus, I’ve been given some cash for staying about an hour and a half extra work in the last couple weeks. So I just had a good financial situation.

Now usually, when I have money that doesn’t need to be spent on bills, I just let it sit in my account for use whenever I want. BUT NOT THIS TIME!! I let myself have like $20 for starbucks drinks (this pink drink is SO good)¬†and random extra expenses (I bought Sun-in hoping to lighten my hair naturally a bit), and then the REST WENT INTO SAVINGS! I have paid off so much and gotten so much into savings and I only left myself $30 to spend until my next payday. It feels great. I’m so happy.

On another note, my 2nd anniversary with Bear is coming up. Man, I love that guy. Seriously, he is my absolute best friend. He knows me so well. He loves me so well. Everything always feels new and exciting. We haven’t had sex yet (both virigins) and the slow build to it adds so much intimacy and trust. We decided to save money to just do things together for our anniversary instead of buying gifts. He really doesn’t like “things” and I’ll be in his town for a few days during this time so I’m excited. I am writing him 24 “open when…” letters for our 24 months together. He’s mentioned that he thinks love-coupons are cute so I’ll put some corresponding coupons in those! He’s going to love it. One day I’ll do a whole post giving you his full personality so you can all experience him too!! He’s the best.

I’m just so happy. Money has been good, Bear and I have been great, my family has been great since Baby W was born, and B and I have gotten close. Soya and I are off and on as always but we will probably hang out soon.

My big sister will be leaving for a gaming convention for a full week soon, so it will just be me and Bug for a week! I’m excited to cook for her every night and just spend some time bonding together.

Okay big long happy rant over!!

4.23.16

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I seriously suck at this blogging thing.. Almost 3 months later and I’m just getting back to this.

So much has happened. My last post talked about the issues Bear¬†and I had in January being resolved — and they definitely are. Then Bear¬†came to visit and we had such an incredible time. Dad ended up totally leaving the family in March and saying he wasn’t coming back, that he was going to Pennsylvania. My heart broke more than it ever has that night and Bear¬†was there the entire time holding me and comforting me. Dad has come home since then and there was a lot of tension at first and I was such a mess. Bear¬†was so selfless and loving, I can’t even believe it.

There was a slight issue with the Ari thing. Bear¬†has this girl that he is good friends with and I’ve had a hard time with her because she used to openly flirt with Bear¬†when him and I were first talking. So of course, it’s hard to not feel weird about it. I realized though that me feeling weird was hurting Bear¬†even though he wasn’t saying anything about it, and I realized how selfish of me it was. I’ve pretty much moved on from it and I’m not nearly as concerned but it was hard for a little bit.

The cats have been good. I currently have the two big cats and the two kittens.¬†My girl kitten¬†doesn’t like me all that much but she loves Bear. We’re hoping he can take her home sometime soon, but there is that whole issue with sister-in-law and her brother feeling they have some sort of claim on her.

We had SIL’s¬†baby shower on April 9th and it was so nice! She¬†got everything she needs for baby and now we’re just waiting for him to be born! He’s due so soon, May 18th. I’ve felt baby W.¬†kick and move so many times and now I just want to hold him. I hope SIL¬†can step up and be a good mom and I hope I can step back and realize I have no say, nor should I, in anything that involves him.

Things here have been a little tense because my family is very lazy and mostly self-centered and it makes it hard for me because I am not that way. I feel most things end up blamed on me and that I mostly have the short-end of the stick. I have no say in anything regarding the house (K. literally rearranged the entire living room and kitchen while I was working with no prior discussion). Bug and Sis leave food and dishes everywhere but yet the cats are blamed when they end up on the floor instead of blaming the people who left their things out for the cats to get.

Chrys came and surprised me toward the end of March as well! That was so incredible. I missed her so much. I did feel as if I’m a little more grown up and together than she is but that’s okay. We’re growing totally separately and it’s totally natural for us to have ebbs and flows and not be totally aligned.

B. and I have become really close friends in the last few months and we ended up making a trip to Old Sacramento with Bear and another old work friend as well. It was a lot of fun though we did witness a rear-end car accident like 20 feet in front of us that triggered my anxiety for days. We went to Apple Hill too even though it was all closed and it was a lot of fun.

Soya and I still struggle because she is friends with Chick and Chick is evil.

I’ve been eating healthier and drinking more water and my job is amazing so I’ve been pretty happy in general. My dad admitted to liking my boyfriend after we went to dinner with my parents and that made my heart happy. I’ve learned to stop caring about how they feel about him but it was still really nice to hear.

Maybe I’ll write here more.