6.13.17

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I’m officially going back to school! I got my financial aid award letter a couple of weeks ago, and have met with a counselor. I’m going for the Associate of Arts, and then for my bachelor’s in Human Development Family Studies, which gears me up to get a job in social work or something similar! I start school August 28 which feels like so far away!

I am enrolled in 4 classes so far – intro to psychology, intro to sociology, intro to environmental science, and substance abuse education. I will enroll in a history class when I hear back from an advisor about my transfer credits. They are all online classes and my financial aid (a government grant) more than covers everything so I’ll even be able to get a new laptop and make my car payments with it. I’m basically going to school for free which is so amazing.

I am scared that I’m not preparing myself for how difficult it could be working 30 hours a week and taking classes full time. I think I will have no problem managing it but I do worry that I’m not realizing how much time college will take and I’ll end up overwhelmed.

B got out of the mental hospital like 4 days after she went and never attempted to contact me.. actually, she went through the effort of completely blocking me on every social media. I had removed her so we were no longer friends on these, but the fact she went through and completely blocked me kind of felt like a big slap in the face. I was nothing but nice to her. I had to be done with the friendship because it was only hurting me. I don’t know why she couldn’t understand that.

I feel continually hurt over this situation, I’m obsessing over it. Not only do I feel like I need to be able to check on her so I know she’s alive (she’s been suicidal) but why go through the effort to block me when you’re the one that hurt me? She was basically begging me to give her a chance.. and when I said “talk to me after you get out of the hospital” she somehow turned herself around into anger and now has me blocked everywhere and hasn’t messaged me. It’s not that I wanted her to message me. I just guess it sucks because I know she has this twisted so that I’m the bad guy in her head and I can’t stand people thinking badly of me.

Ever since my dad left I’ve just adopted this attitude of not letting people hurt me and take advantage of me. No one ever cares the same way I do and I end up getting hurt so bad, every single time!

Speaking of my dad, my mom is still talking to him. a lot. I catch her playing computer games with him, he bought and sent her a new blanket for her bed… she tried telling me “he’s really growing up!” no mom, he isn’t. I miss him so bad sometimes it randomly brings me to tears but I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to talk to him again with all that he left between us.

Butterfly had an ultrasound appointment but aside from getting to see baby bean in her tummy, we got no helpful information. We don’t really know how far along she is and I don’t think she’s made any extra appointments anywhere. Her pregnancy with baby W was so calm and easy but this baby is giving her hell. Maybe when she is out of her first trimester things will settle down.

This weekend Bear and I are going to see his family in his town about 3 hours away. I’m excited. I’m so glad I don’t have to be near my family on father’s day. AJ is a deadbeat dad to baby W and I don’t want to fake my way through a day with him.

 

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