I have had literally no time to write in here because it’s been the busiest couple months of my life.

School is killing me. My classes are so reading and writing intensive. I feel like I’m never caught up, even though I’m not behind. I’m someone who needs to be ahead or I panic. So that’s going GREAT.

I’m almost sure my thyroid meds need to be upped, because I’m insanely tired all the time and slowly gaining weight. I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME FOR A DR APPT. and I need to switch doctors because my current doctor doesn’t medicate to optimal levels for some dumb reason?

I haven’t heard from Bear nor do I want to. I blocked his number, I blocked all his family members’ numbers, and everyone is unfriended on Facebook. His mom literally blocked me and he made a new account on Facebook and told everyone I was stalking him. Yes, I was reading his social media, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t have it public then, dumb ass.

Drum roll please — TP and I had sex. I’m not a virgin anymore. It was on February 10th. First thing’s first — IT HURT SO BAD. Why does no one tell you how bad it truly hurts? I bled for days. I couldn’t sit or walk normal for 2 days. My vagina felt like it had CARPET BURN. Why was I not warned? Anyway. The night it happened was amazing. It was awkward yes, and it hurt a lot, but we laughed so much about how awkward it was and he kept reassuring me. Every time since then has been a lot better, and I’m getting less and less awkward as it happens more.

This was so crazy to me because a) we’d been dating for only two weeks, and I’d barely talked to him for 2 months and b) I didn’t think I would ever be able to have sex because I thought my vag was too small. I have never even been able to use tampons, so I didn’t think this would be at all possible, but it is, and it’s all good. I feel like I’m finally actually an adult now. Maybe I rushed it a little because I was tired of being a virgin and because I was attracted to TP, but I’m happy.

In a weird turn of events, guess who is sleeping on the couch in my house? None other than C, my big brother’s incredibly hot best friend who told my entire family he had a crush on my around Thanksgiving, thus giving me the confidence to end things with Bear. but then nothing ever happened with him and I started dating TP. TP doesn’t know about C — C is a long time family friend and will be around forever and I didn’t want TP to feel weird. but man oh man looking at C every day and talking to him constantly is sooooooo .. like … just wow. I adore TP but I don’t mind looking at C every day either.

I need to update this more but it’s bed time so hopefully I’ll come with more soon!





This month has been the craziest, happiest whirlwind of a month, and I never ever expected my life to be going the way that it is right now. I was in such a different place even just 5 weeks ago that I keep having to double-take and figure out how my life is where it is.

First thing’s first — TP and I are DATING. Like, he is my boyfriend.

Listen. I know it’s early. I know I JUST got out of a long relationship. But you guys all saw how bad that one was for me. I know TP lives far away, I know I know I know all of the crazy ways this could be bad. But… he’s amazing.

We began talking every single day, all day, and eventually that turned into late nights talking on the phone. Eventually that turned into facetiming for hours, and eventually that turned into me driving up to visit him last weekend. It was amazing. I didn’t know what to expect going into it. We both were aware we had feelings for each other but neither one of us was brave enough before the visit to ask what the other was expecting, so we kinda went in blind.

I got there on Thursday night. I met him at his bible study, he introduced me to everyone, and then we went to Chili’s (we have an insane amount of things in common, and one of them is our mutual love for Chili’s). Not gonna lie, things felt kind of awkward. I’m incredibly attracted to him and I felt a little shy, and I could tell he was feeling a little shy and closed off, and I didn’t initially feel that connection that we felt via text (where he was more open). This immediately made me scared that things between us wouldn’t be good. We got back to his house and he immediately put a movie on. I sat on his (twin-sized!) bed, and he sat on the floor. I could tell he wasn’t super comfortable, and I wanted him to sit with me, but it took me until almost the end of the movie to invite him up with me. The movie ended, we put on another one, and during that one we ended up laying down cuddling in his bed. It was super nice.

We were both falling asleep so we turned the movie off. Getting comfortable in his small bed when both of us were feeling so awkward was impossible. I was wide awake once we tried to settle down to sleep, of course. He noticed and asked if I was even tired anymore, and I told him no, and then we kissed. He tried to french kiss me, which SURPRISE, I had never done before. I was so embarrassed telling him that and we cut it short and went to sleep. I slept horribly, so did he.

The next day is when things got nice. We just hung out and went shopping during the day, but it was when we came back that things got comfortable. I was sitting on the edge of his bed and next thing I know he’s standing between my legs and we’re making out and let me tell you, I have never ever been so sexually attracted to someone as I am to TP. Things got heated and he started bringing up sex — am I waiting till marriage? why wait? and this opened the door to so much. First of all, now I know how “heat of the moment” situations happen because I was thisclose to going against my own self and sleeping with him because I was SO into him. We talked super deeply between kisses and all that. I said things like — I don’t want this to be all about sex. I want this to be more than just a “like” thing before sex. I want to know that it’s going to be a longterm situation before we have sex. He said things like — it is more than like for me. It won’t be all about sex, I promise; I don’t want that either. I’m in this for the long-run.

We talked about how much we liked each other. How I am a virgin, how it’s been a while for him, how scared I was to ruin things by having sex too soon. We kissed A LOT. He was so dominant but gentle — grabbing my things to pull me to the edge of the bed so we could be closer, etc. and TP is super attractive. Like, beautiful dark skin, white straight teeth, easy to smile, eyes that smile, the perfect voice that’s not too deep or too high, an easy laugh, long dreaded hair that looks so good on him, a thin but muscular frame, big hands, soft skin, broad shoulders, about 4″ taller than me. He is perfect in EVERY way. So yeah, I had a very hard time saying no to sex. and I maybe regret it a little, but not really, because I know it’ll be good when we do. But, it was during this situation where I was like, I’m not even your girlfriend yet. he said “I feel like you are” and I said, “I feel like you haven’t asked.” and then he used my full name and asked me and I told him yes and we kept kissing. The rest of the trip after this was beautiful and easy and comfortable. We slept well cuddled in his twin bed.

I left Sunday afternoon, and I truly didn’t want to leave. His little cousins live with him and they were so cute, and his mom and the rest of his family that I met were so sweet.

I love how light and easy our relationship is. There’s not this air of weird angry/sexual tension like there always was with Bear. Even when TP was – very obviously – turned on, he talked to me like normal, held me like normal, held normal conversations, didn’t make things about that. I couldn’t even breathe around Bear without him getting turned on and going off in his own pants (I’m so serious. It’s horrible.) and that always made me feel so weird.

The affection between TP is the best part. He seems to be as naturally affectionate as I am – leaning in for surprise kisses, automatically holding hands, absentmindedly rubbing legs/backs/arms. There was even a moment when he got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom. He saw that I was awake when he came back and he kissed me, then we both went back to sleep. There’s something so beautiful about that little stuff to me.

I love how he just seems comfortable in his own skin. He was dancing in my car, singing in restaurants, goofing off in stores.

I’m gonna go see him again next weekend, I really can’t get enough of him and it’s scary but incredible.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE. School started up again this week and I’m overwhelmed already. I have three online classes and 1 in person class. My in person class is amazing and easy and my online classes seem fun but tough so we’ll see how that goes.

I have been hanging out with Chick and her roommates (who I also knew from my church days), and I have been hanging out with a new coworker (sort of), Dawn. She’s so fun and easy to get along with. We’ve gone to the movies and to karaoke, and we’re going to the mall this weekend. She’s great.

I’m tired and gonna go call TP so we can talk till we pass out.



Sometimes I feel like I’m literally the busiest person alive. Between full time classes, full time work, spending time with Bear, and dealing with my insane family, I feel like I don’t get time to just be my own person.

I’m going to be going with Bear to his family for Thanksgiving. My mom literally doesn’t want Bear at Thanksgiving because he removed my dad from the fantasy football league they did together. My dad LITERALLY CRIED over this and talked about how it’s a “threat” from Bear and how no one has any loyalty anymore. Keep in mind this is the same dad that abandoned me.

I’m excited to spend thanksgiving with Bear’s family though. They will be picking us up and bringing us home, so I don’t have to worry about driving through snow. My mom is going to be pissed when she realizes no one is going to be there for Thanksgiving and I’m sure my older sister will talk shit the whole time about how I’m with bear’s family but I just don’t care. I’m so shut off emotionally from their shit.

School has been crazy. I have all A’s and one B+ so far. I think next semester I will just take 4 classes instead of 5; I don’t feel like I have enough time to study for tests and stuff like this and I think I’d do better with less classes.

I have a notebook that I have been writing letters to Bear in since we started dating in 2014. I took it out of the drawer this morning looking for something, and I didn’t put it back, and GUESS WHO FOUND IT. BEAR. He thought I left it out for him, and at dinner tonight, he grabbed my hands and said “I saw the book you left me” and I was soooo mortified. I hadn’t filled the notebook up yet nor was I sure if I was ever going to let him see it. But he told me over and over how much he loved it. I’ll keep writing him letters and maybe give it to him when we get married or something. I’m glad he reacted so nicely to it but holy cow I didn’t mean for him to see that.




I’ve wanted to update for a few weeks but I’ve not been able to find the time! School started last week. They are a lot of work and I’m having to work on it 2-4 hours every day but I’m not behind in any class and I haven’t felt in over my head yet. I’ve still had some good quality time with Bear. I spent 4 hours today reading 40 pages for my Substance Abuse Education class, fully focused, because I just had to take so many notes. It’s insane but I love it. I love having to manage my time and the feeling of productivity that I get after working on an assignment.

I’ve been with Bear in his home-town for the last few days and it’s been nice. I’ve done a lot of homework and we’ve eaten a lot of junk food. What’s funny is we’ve been sleeping separately this entire time — and I’ve enjoyed it! I love having Bear with me but he’s been here so long that I sometimes miss having my own space and not having to answer to anyone if I want to be alone. Sleeping alone the last few nights has been comfortable and I’ve gotten good sleep, and so has he.

Custody stuff with baby W has been messy. Butterfly hates my brother and thinks he has never been baby W’s dad (even though he literally is) and she is definitely going to fight custody when they divorce. It’s hard because she’s my best friend and I hate that she’s acting that way. Baby W needs time with his dad and his dad’s family and I’ve genuinely loved getting to see him away from Butterfly because I don’t feel I have to dampen down my affection or the way I take care of him. I ask her before I do things with him to give her the illusion that I trust her instincts and all that but I really don’t and I know 100% that I know baby W better and take care of him better. That’s shitty but she’s young and inexperienced and not in a good place in her life. She is 23 weeks pregnant with baby bean, her current boyfriend is literally so irresponsible (and is apparently on parole for being accused of rape…), she is living in her dad’s living room, she isn’t working and her bf is not good with money, etc. I love her so much and I want what’s best for her but I have a hard time helping her because of the pit she got herself into.

I love taking care of baby W. Loving him makes me a better person. I love watching him learn, I love bringing him with me and showing me off, and sometimes I wish I was his mom and I could just bring him up the way I want to. That’s wrong of me, whatever, I’m allowed to say all my bad thoughts/feeling her in my anonymous blog.

So basically my time is spent between work, school, Bear, and baby W. I’m pretty happy. I have all those stupid health issues going on but I’m just focusing on eating better and exercising more (IF I CAN FIND TIME??) and having a positive outlook on things. I haven’t had a gallbladder flare up since I went to the ER, and my doctor told me my thyroid IS elevated but she won’t change the med unless it’s elevated again in 3 months when she checks it because she doesn’t want to overdose me. I get it, but it’s annoying.



I spent my entire day from 10 am to 7pm in extreme abdominal pain and then in the ER for it. Every once in a while I get these horrific stomach aches that start on my right side and slowly build until my entire back and stomach hurt so bad that I can hardly breathe. It feels like there’s a balloon expanding so big under my ribs, I  can’t get comfortable. I get so nauseas and the pain is literally 12 out of 10 horrible. I have had two ‘attacks’ in 2 weeks so I went to the ER today because I was scared maybe something serious was happening.

Basically they took my blood (which is usually so easy but today the dr poked around with the needle in my arm for literally 5 minutes and I bled everywhere), got an ultrasound, and did a urine test. I do have gallstones and I will need to get my gallbladder removed. I am scared about it, but also, this pain is literally so horrible I would do almost anything to never feel it again. If it means surgery and a different diet for the rest of my life, then fine. I just know this pain isn’t something I can let keep taking over my days like this.

My family stuff has been whatever. I don’t really talk to my dad nor do I go see them. Butterfly is still living with her dad so I guess she is just staying there? Who knows.

Chrystine is actually coming to see me next week! I’m really excited to spend some time with her as it’s been over a year since I’ve seen her. I hope my gallbladder pain stops enough for me to enjoy her visit.

I’m so tired from all the pain meds and spending my day at the hospital. I was determined to stay up late today because it’s my weekend and my whole day was spent in the hospital which in my opinion is a shitty weekend.

I’m really excited for school to start up in like 5 weeks. I keep toying with the idea of getting a second job just to save money but I realize I applied for school thinking I’d have my 3 day weekends and evenings to do homework. I need to see how I adjust to school and work together before I try to get another job.



There has still been literally no peace in my life except in brief moments in the last two weeks. I’ll try to go in order.

When I told my best friend, B, about what happened with AJ (little brother) and his girlfriend, Kay, her first reaction was, “don’t you think you’re being dramatic? you always have these issues with your family and you always get over it so quickly.” and while I know my reaction was dramatic, you just don’t say that shit to your friend when they’re hurting. I am all for being an honest friend and keeping your friends’ feet on the ground, but I just felt that was SO wrong. My first reaction would have been something like, WOW, that sucks, how could he do that?, etc. B is constantly fighting with her other friend and I never hear the other friend’s side of it but I never ever ask B if she’s sure that she’s got it straight.

I don’t open up often when I’m right in the moment with feelings. I usually talk to Bear and Butterfly about it and then talk to B and Chrystine later, once I’ve processed it, mostly just to keep them updated with my life. But B has been complaining that I don’t come to her, so I just decided to take a chance and go to her. It blew up in my face. I felt so uncared for and hurt. She just kept asking if I really got the situation and telling me I would get over it. Not once did she show any empathy for what I was feeling. I was so hurt because it was exactly what my dad did and it was just the last thing I felt like I needed. I fought with her about this for days and eventually lost the care to fight and just told her I got over it. She showed no remorse or understanding but I was done.

After AJ and Kay moved out, along with their two friends, the house was so calm. We had a nice mother day and the house got cleaned and everyone was okay. I started figuring out my school paperwork and was talking to the school constantly trying to figure things out.

This last Wednesday, the 24th, Butterfly asked me if I would please stop at the dollar store and grab her some pregnancy tests because she is still nauseous all the time (since beginning of April) and her period has been weird, along with a bladder problem. I picked them up for her and didn’t ask her again about them even though I was dying to know. She told me the day before baby W’s birthday that she’s pregnant! She went to the ER to get an ultrasound and they said she’s about 6 weeks but I definitely think she’s closer to 10 weeks, just based on her spotting and how long she’s been sick and having weird symptoms.

I was scared at first and overwhelmed because I feel like baby W is so much work already and I’m already tired of the newborn phase we’re going to go through again, but.. my love for her won out and I already love baby bean in her belly and I can’t wait to meet the new baby. At least this happened after everyone moved out so there is enough room for a new baby.

Baby W had his first birthday on Friday! It was a really good but exhausting day that started at 7 am for me because I had to make a long drive to get school paperwork dealt with. That was all its own drama, but it did get turned in and dealt with. Baby W was super pissy all day because he refused to nap, and it was awkward because AJ and Kay showed up for the party.

Also somewhere in between this I found out my mom has been talking to my dad pretty regularly and comfortably, because my dad messaged me (we have not communicated except for to say i love you every few days) saying how proud he was that I am going back to school. Like his pride means anything to me anymore. But I told mom I knew she had talked to him and that it made me feel weird but I know she won’t stop. I don’t know that I can blame her, they were married for 22 years and together for 24. That’s a long time to be with someone. I can get why she wants to talk to him, but I felt weird.

Fast forward to today. I came home from grocery shopping and I saw Kay’s car in my mom’s driveway. I didn’t go over there because my rage at them stopped me, but a couple hours later got told that Kay and AJ are moving in, and that AJ (Butterfly’s ex husband!) was told that Butterfly was having a baby and he didn’t even freak out, which is shocking for him. What Kay and AJ are saying was that it was basically the two friends that had lived with them in mom’s house for a while, spreading lies telling them everyone was always talking shit when they weren’t around. They think this is because the friends didn’t want to be sleeping on the couch and living there, so they wanted to start problem to get them to move out. Obviously this would build up for them and they snapped and that’s when they moved out. I guess Kay cried and apologized for lying to AJ about what she said about what happened with mom. They’ve been told it’s only temporary because there won’t be room once baby bean comes.

I feel so upset about all of this because why can’t people just be who they say they are? Why did their friends lie to them, instead of just tell them they wanted them all to move out together? how can I be okay with Kay again after I saw that she will do and say anything to get my brother to believe her? AJ is such a dumbass that he just does whatever he wants.

Butterfly is upset because she has to go back to sharing a room with Baby W. She doesn’t trust that it’s only temporary and I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t stress, it’s not good for baby bean.

Kay and AJ also said that B had been sending the messages talking shit about me, about how I’m never there for her, how Kay has to be her new best friend because I left her. There was so much more, but my older sister saw all the messages and this was honestly enough for Butterfly and I to be done with her. So I had a huge fight with her where she, again, doesn’t get what she did wrong. She said “what you consider talking shit I just considered having a conversation”, which would still be wrong since she outright told me and my mom she hadn’t talked to either of them at all. I feel bad because she struggles so much with her depression but I can’t bend my life around for other people who show me they don’t care about me the way I need them to. I can’t keep being her friend because I’m scared she’ll hurt herself. It isn’t something I can prevent if she doesn’t want to prevent it and I can’t keep letting people in like this. It hurts too bad when they eventually betray me. I told her I was done and would be open to talking to her again after she’s gone to the mental hospital (which she had already planned to do before this) to deal with herself. Honestly though I don’t think she’s ever gonna get what she did wrong and I won’t be able to get past that.

I’ll make new friends when I go to college. Or not, because it’s not really worth the trouble.

At least on the good side, things with Bear have been better. I tell him when he’s being a jerk instead of just taking it, and we still argue, but I feel like I’m being heard and not repressing everything so the scary anxious trapped feeling has gone away. We haven’t been too affectionate but Bear reminded me I haven’t been wearing socks and he is SO weird about socks (he hates feet) that that’s probably what the issue was. Plus I’ve been so freaking sick for the last six weeks. We slept in and cuddled for a while this morning, and I made him banana pancakes for dinner that he loved. He also blocked B on facebook as soon as I told him what happened and talked me through it. I’m so grateful for him.



My life is constant chaos. There is rarely ever any sign of peace or comfort.

Since my dad left, my little brother had been stepping up to pay bills for my mom. She can’t work because she’s sick and she only makes enough money for the rent and some groceries with her government aid, so when my dad left, we all kind of panicked. There was still the gas, water, trash, electric, and internet bills to pay. But little brother said he would take care of it and he did, for a while. He got all the bills caught up and spent more than a thousand dollars doing so.

The other day, his girlfriend, Kay, lost her shit. She got into a fight with my brother in the house which included lots of screaming, crying, and punching holes through walls. My little brother told her to leave multiple times and she wouldn’t. Things calmed down the next day but my mom was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the level of violence that happened, especially because Baby W lives there. She sat down with Kay when they were having coffee and said, calmly “We can’t have that kind of fighting in the house again,” and Kay went berserk. Screamed at mom, lunged at her, etc. Left the house saying she was never coming back.

Now, Kay has been weird for the last couple of weeks. Things like getting mad when my brother would spend time with his baby (baby W) but not her 2 year old. Telling him he isn’t allowed to drink, going through his phone, policing his money. So we all kind of knew she was bad news and I have been done with her attitude for weeks.

But after this fight with my mom, she went to my brother, said my mom chased her out of the house screaming at her, and that night my brother decided he was moving out immediately. Did exactly what Dad did – took off with no warning and with all the money. My family speculates that it’s just Kay lying to him and turning him against the family but if you ask me, brother would have done this anyway. He has always been selfish and self-centered and only ever cares about people or things as long as they are constantly benefitting him. He broke up with my sister in law (we’ll call her Butterfly since she won’t technically be my sister in law anymore soon) because she stopped having sex with him.

I am more angry at him and Kay than I ever thought I could be. How can someone be so manipulative and evil like Kay is? She has obviously encouraged this situation to happen. How can my little brother be such a little shit? How can someone turn on their entire family for someone they’ve been dating for 6 months? His plan is to live in a MOTEL for a month because Kay has somehow convinced him he will save money that way. Keep in mind he is 18, she is like.. 21? and this is his first job as an adult. He is making a lot of money and has no clue how to handle it. Kay constantly talks about how good she is with money but I really suspect that she just wants to use him for his money. And whatever, you know? I have disliked my brother for years and this is just the final straw. He is supposed to get his things from my mom’s place by Sunday and then I’m blocking his dumbass on Facebook and blocking his phone number. I absolutely want nothing to do with him ever again.

I have Mother’s Day planned out so well. I got Butterfly, Mom, and my older sister some individual gifts plus I have planned with my big brother to bring them all over to his house for coffee and brunch on Sunday and they have no clue where I’m taking them. I believe that day will at least be good.

Bear has been here for a few weeks now and things have been mostly good. I started getting my anxious-trapped feeling that I have gotten in previous relationships when they needed to end and that freaked me out to the extreme. I knew I needed to figure out why I was getting that feeling and do what I could do fix it, and I think I did. I think a lot of it was my anxiety from my home situation, but also some of it was just the way Bear talks to me. He snaps often, he has a temper, and I never know what’s going to make him angry. Anger scares me. Anger from men my whole life has meant screaming and throwing things and leaving and saying very hurtful things, and Bear is included in this. When he gets angry he says mean things and he gets loud and he usually leaves the room I am in. I feel like he gets angry out of nowhere. When I’m mad at him I think so hard about what I say to him and never say things like “I can’t stand you” even when I feel it. Because that hurts feelings and it’s not a forever feeling, it’s usually just because I feel mad that I feel that way. But he doesn’t think first and just says whatever he can to hurt my feelings when he’s angry at me. Even when he isn’t angry, he will randomly say mean things.

For example, I came home from work and told him I was going to start a load of laundry. He says “Good luck with that. They’re doing laundry.” His tone was rude and even just what he said was so unnecessary. How hard is it to just say “I’m pretty sure your sister is doing laundry so you may not be able to do that tonight.” He just doesn’t comprehend that you can’t be an asshole all the time. This has always been an issue with us. He talks so harshly, and though I have tried to not let it get to me, it does anyway. I talked to him about this and we basically concluded that I just need to give him what he gives me. I need to tell him, “Don’t talk to me like that.” when he snaps at me for no reason (if I even think about snapping at him he says that to me). I need to snap back when he yells at me for no reason.

This is a big deal to me. I can’t feel comfortable if someone is going to be mean to me, even with just their words, constantly. He is nice in every other way – he does things for me without me asking, he thinks of me, etc. but his words sometimes are so harsh and I can’t spend my life with someone who has a quick and unpredictable temper like his. I have grown up with it and I just can’t marry it, too. I hope it doesn’t get to that kind of situation because I do feel we can be perfect for each other. I’ve just been feeling so anxious realizing that I can’t be with him if he doesn’t get better.

On a different note, I want to go back to school. I think I will be able to in the fall if I get on top of it and figure out what I’m doing soon. I hope so, because I just need to go back to school.