7.28.17

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I spent my entire day from 10 am to 7pm in extreme abdominal pain and then in the ER for it. Every once in a while I get these horrific stomach aches that start on my right side and slowly build until my entire back and stomach hurt so bad that I can hardly breathe. It feels like there’s a balloon expanding so big under my ribs, I  can’t get comfortable. I get so nauseas and the pain is literally 12 out of 10 horrible. I have had two ‘attacks’ in 2 weeks so I went to the ER today because I was scared maybe something serious was happening.

Basically they took my blood (which is usually so easy but today the dr poked around with the needle in my arm for literally 5 minutes and I bled everywhere), got an ultrasound, and did a urine test. I do have gallstones and I will need to get my gallbladder removed. I am scared about it, but also, this pain is literally so horrible I would do almost anything to never feel it again. If it means surgery and a different diet for the rest of my life, then fine. I just know this pain isn’t something I can let keep taking over my days like this.

My family stuff has been whatever. I don’t really talk to my dad nor do I go see them. Butterfly is still living with her dad so I guess she is just staying there? Who knows.

Chrystine is actually coming to see me next week! I’m really excited to spend some time with her as it’s been over a year since I’ve seen her. I hope my gallbladder pain stops enough for me to enjoy her visit.

I’m so tired from all the pain meds and spending my day at the hospital. I was determined to stay up late today because it’s my weekend and my whole day was spent in the hospital which in my opinion is a shitty weekend.

I’m really excited for school to start up in like 5 weeks. I keep toying with the idea of getting a second job just to save money but I realize I applied for school thinking I’d have my 3 day weekends and evenings to do homework. I need to see how I adjust to school and work together before I try to get another job.

5.28.17

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There has still been literally no peace in my life except in brief moments in the last two weeks. I’ll try to go in order.

When I told my best friend, B, about what happened with AJ (little brother) and his girlfriend, Kay, her first reaction was, “don’t you think you’re being dramatic? you always have these issues with your family and you always get over it so quickly.” and while I know my reaction was dramatic, you just don’t say that shit to your friend when they’re hurting. I am all for being an honest friend and keeping your friends’ feet on the ground, but I just felt that was SO wrong. My first reaction would have been something like, WOW, that sucks, how could he do that?, etc. B is constantly fighting with her other friend and I never hear the other friend’s side of it but I never ever ask B if she’s sure that she’s got it straight.

I don’t open up often when I’m right in the moment with feelings. I usually talk to Bear and Butterfly about it and then talk to B and Chrystine later, once I’ve processed it, mostly just to keep them updated with my life. But B has been complaining that I don’t come to her, so I just decided to take a chance and go to her. It blew up in my face. I felt so uncared for and hurt. She just kept asking if I really got the situation and telling me I would get over it. Not once did she show any empathy for what I was feeling. I was so hurt because it was exactly what my dad did and it was just the last thing I felt like I needed. I fought with her about this for days and eventually lost the care to fight and just told her I got over it. She showed no remorse or understanding but I was done.

After AJ and Kay moved out, along with their two friends, the house was so calm. We had a nice mother day and the house got cleaned and everyone was okay. I started figuring out my school paperwork and was talking to the school constantly trying to figure things out.

This last Wednesday, the 24th, Butterfly asked me if I would please stop at the dollar store and grab her some pregnancy tests because she is still nauseous all the time (since beginning of April) and her period has been weird, along with a bladder problem. I picked them up for her and didn’t ask her again about them even though I was dying to know. She told me the day before baby W’s birthday that she’s pregnant! She went to the ER to get an ultrasound and they said she’s about 6 weeks but I definitely think she’s closer to 10 weeks, just based on her spotting and how long she’s been sick and having weird symptoms.

I was scared at first and overwhelmed because I feel like baby W is so much work already and I’m already tired of the newborn phase we’re going to go through again, but.. my love for her won out and I already love baby bean in her belly and I can’t wait to meet the new baby. At least this happened after everyone moved out so there is enough room for a new baby.

Baby W had his first birthday on Friday! It was a really good but exhausting day that started at 7 am for me because I had to make a long drive to get school paperwork dealt with. That was all its own drama, but it did get turned in and dealt with. Baby W was super pissy all day because he refused to nap, and it was awkward because AJ and Kay showed up for the party.

Also somewhere in between this I found out my mom has been talking to my dad pretty regularly and comfortably, because my dad messaged me (we have not communicated except for to say i love you every few days) saying how proud he was that I am going back to school. Like his pride means anything to me anymore. But I told mom I knew she had talked to him and that it made me feel weird but I know she won’t stop. I don’t know that I can blame her, they were married for 22 years and together for 24. That’s a long time to be with someone. I can get why she wants to talk to him, but I felt weird.

Fast forward to today. I came home from grocery shopping and I saw Kay’s car in my mom’s driveway. I didn’t go over there because my rage at them stopped me, but a couple hours later got told that Kay and AJ are moving in, and that AJ (Butterfly’s ex husband!) was told that Butterfly was having a baby and he didn’t even freak out, which is shocking for him. What Kay and AJ are saying was that it was basically the two friends that had lived with them in mom’s house for a while, spreading lies telling them everyone was always talking shit when they weren’t around. They think this is because the friends didn’t want to be sleeping on the couch and living there, so they wanted to start problem to get them to move out. Obviously this would build up for them and they snapped and that’s when they moved out. I guess Kay cried and apologized for lying to AJ about what she said about what happened with mom. They’ve been told it’s only temporary because there won’t be room once baby bean comes.

I feel so upset about all of this because why can’t people just be who they say they are? Why did their friends lie to them, instead of just tell them they wanted them all to move out together? how can I be okay with Kay again after I saw that she will do and say anything to get my brother to believe her? AJ is such a dumbass that he just does whatever he wants.

Butterfly is upset because she has to go back to sharing a room with Baby W. She doesn’t trust that it’s only temporary and I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t stress, it’s not good for baby bean.

Kay and AJ also said that B had been sending the messages talking shit about me, about how I’m never there for her, how Kay has to be her new best friend because I left her. There was so much more, but my older sister saw all the messages and this was honestly enough for Butterfly and I to be done with her. So I had a huge fight with her where she, again, doesn’t get what she did wrong. She said “what you consider talking shit I just considered having a conversation”, which would still be wrong since she outright told me and my mom she hadn’t talked to either of them at all. I feel bad because she struggles so much with her depression but I can’t bend my life around for other people who show me they don’t care about me the way I need them to. I can’t keep being her friend because I’m scared she’ll hurt herself. It isn’t something I can prevent if she doesn’t want to prevent it and I can’t keep letting people in like this. It hurts too bad when they eventually betray me. I told her I was done and would be open to talking to her again after she’s gone to the mental hospital (which she had already planned to do before this) to deal with herself. Honestly though I don’t think she’s ever gonna get what she did wrong and I won’t be able to get past that.

I’ll make new friends when I go to college. Or not, because it’s not really worth the trouble.

At least on the good side, things with Bear have been better. I tell him when he’s being a jerk instead of just taking it, and we still argue, but I feel like I’m being heard and not repressing everything so the scary anxious trapped feeling has gone away. We haven’t been too affectionate but Bear reminded me I haven’t been wearing socks and he is SO weird about socks (he hates feet) that that’s probably what the issue was. Plus I’ve been so freaking sick for the last six weeks. We slept in and cuddled for a while this morning, and I made him banana pancakes for dinner that he loved. He also blocked B on facebook as soon as I told him what happened and talked me through it. I’m so grateful for him.

5.12.17

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My life is constant chaos. There is rarely ever any sign of peace or comfort.

Since my dad left, my little brother had been stepping up to pay bills for my mom. She can’t work because she’s sick and she only makes enough money for the rent and some groceries with her government aid, so when my dad left, we all kind of panicked. There was still the gas, water, trash, electric, and internet bills to pay. But little brother said he would take care of it and he did, for a while. He got all the bills caught up and spent more than a thousand dollars doing so.

The other day, his girlfriend, Kay, lost her shit. She got into a fight with my brother in the house which included lots of screaming, crying, and punching holes through walls. My little brother told her to leave multiple times and she wouldn’t. Things calmed down the next day but my mom was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the level of violence that happened, especially because Baby W lives there. She sat down with Kay when they were having coffee and said, calmly “We can’t have that kind of fighting in the house again,” and Kay went berserk. Screamed at mom, lunged at her, etc. Left the house saying she was never coming back.

Now, Kay has been weird for the last couple of weeks. Things like getting mad when my brother would spend time with his baby (baby W) but not her 2 year old. Telling him he isn’t allowed to drink, going through his phone, policing his money. So we all kind of knew she was bad news and I have been done with her attitude for weeks.

But after this fight with my mom, she went to my brother, said my mom chased her out of the house screaming at her, and that night my brother decided he was moving out immediately. Did exactly what Dad did – took off with no warning and with all the money. My family speculates that it’s just Kay lying to him and turning him against the family but if you ask me, brother would have done this anyway. He has always been selfish and self-centered and only ever cares about people or things as long as they are constantly benefitting him. He broke up with my sister in law (we’ll call her Butterfly since she won’t technically be my sister in law anymore soon) because she stopped having sex with him.

I am more angry at him and Kay than I ever thought I could be. How can someone be so manipulative and evil like Kay is? She has obviously encouraged this situation to happen. How can my little brother be such a little shit? How can someone turn on their entire family for someone they’ve been dating for 6 months? His plan is to live in a MOTEL for a month because Kay has somehow convinced him he will save money that way. Keep in mind he is 18, she is like.. 21? and this is his first job as an adult. He is making a lot of money and has no clue how to handle it. Kay constantly talks about how good she is with money but I really suspect that she just wants to use him for his money. And whatever, you know? I have disliked my brother for years and this is just the final straw. He is supposed to get his things from my mom’s place by Sunday and then I’m blocking his dumbass on Facebook and blocking his phone number. I absolutely want nothing to do with him ever again.

I have Mother’s Day planned out so well. I got Butterfly, Mom, and my older sister some individual gifts plus I have planned with my big brother to bring them all over to his house for coffee and brunch on Sunday and they have no clue where I’m taking them. I believe that day will at least be good.

Bear has been here for a few weeks now and things have been mostly good. I started getting my anxious-trapped feeling that I have gotten in previous relationships when they needed to end and that freaked me out to the extreme. I knew I needed to figure out why I was getting that feeling and do what I could do fix it, and I think I did. I think a lot of it was my anxiety from my home situation, but also some of it was just the way Bear talks to me. He snaps often, he has a temper, and I never know what’s going to make him angry. Anger scares me. Anger from men my whole life has meant screaming and throwing things and leaving and saying very hurtful things, and Bear is included in this. When he gets angry he says mean things and he gets loud and he usually leaves the room I am in. I feel like he gets angry out of nowhere. When I’m mad at him I think so hard about what I say to him and never say things like “I can’t stand you” even when I feel it. Because that hurts feelings and it’s not a forever feeling, it’s usually just because I feel mad that I feel that way. But he doesn’t think first and just says whatever he can to hurt my feelings when he’s angry at me. Even when he isn’t angry, he will randomly say mean things.

For example, I came home from work and told him I was going to start a load of laundry. He says “Good luck with that. They’re doing laundry.” His tone was rude and even just what he said was so unnecessary. How hard is it to just say “I’m pretty sure your sister is doing laundry so you may not be able to do that tonight.” He just doesn’t comprehend that you can’t be an asshole all the time. This has always been an issue with us. He talks so harshly, and though I have tried to not let it get to me, it does anyway. I talked to him about this and we basically concluded that I just need to give him what he gives me. I need to tell him, “Don’t talk to me like that.” when he snaps at me for no reason (if I even think about snapping at him he says that to me). I need to snap back when he yells at me for no reason.

This is a big deal to me. I can’t feel comfortable if someone is going to be mean to me, even with just their words, constantly. He is nice in every other way – he does things for me without me asking, he thinks of me, etc. but his words sometimes are so harsh and I can’t spend my life with someone who has a quick and unpredictable temper like his. I have grown up with it and I just can’t marry it, too. I hope it doesn’t get to that kind of situation because I do feel we can be perfect for each other. I’ve just been feeling so anxious realizing that I can’t be with him if he doesn’t get better.

On a different note, I want to go back to school. I think I will be able to in the fall if I get on top of it and figure out what I’m doing soon. I hope so, because I just need to go back to school.

8.20.16

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So. I finished Parenthood. By accident. I was babysitting for the Barbie family and I was bingeing Parenthood and on the last scene of the last episode, realized it was the LAST episode. I cried so much! So many times.

I’ve lost 10 pounds since my last update! I still have like 60 pounds I’d like to lose in an ideal situation but I’m not too worried about it. All just by eating LCHF. I’ve been a little more active for sure but mostly just avoiding carbs, sugar, soda. I’m allergic to artificial sweeteners so I can’t have diet anything, just drinks sweetened with Stevia instead of sugar. I’ve a couple of times had a dessert or something kinda carby but for the most part, I’ve been really good. I didn’t feel good for a few days after I really started but now I feel great. I don’t get stomach aches anymore!

Baby W is as cute and amazing as ever. He laughs now, for real. He’s about to be 3 months old.. I can’t even believe it. SIL and I are as close as ever.

My little brother had a very scary health situation on Thursday. I can never convince him to drink water. I’ve been telling him for months that it’s going to catch up with him. Well, Thursday, it did. He was throwing up and had diarrhea, which dehydrated him worse than he already was. This caused his blood pressure to drop, which caused him to pass out. He also had a seizure. He passed out 4 times before my family called 911. Paramedics couldn’t find his pulse immediately because his heart was skipping around. He was in the ER for 6 hours and he has a terrible concussion now and is on all sorts of meds. I at least hope this gets him to stay hydrated now. It was literally so scary.

I GET TO SEE BEAR IN LIKE 13 DAYS. We’re going to a concert and then he’s coming back with me and I’m so excited to have him here with me all the time. I saw him for a few days in July but we haven’t spent a lot of time together since April! SO READY!!

I really want to go back to college in the winter. I miss school so bad. My anxiety makes everything really scary and bad and hard. But I think I can do it.

12.15.14

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I need to write here more often. I think about it a lot and then something else always happens where I can’t.

Lots has happened since last time I posted. I had my 20th birthday and Bear came to visit me. He was here for about 10 days, and it was just incredible. I started my job at Walmart the same week he came, and he was so loving and supportive the whole time. My job as a cashier requires me to be standing for hours at a time and dealing with all sorts of people – some pleasant, others not so much. When I first started working, I came home tired and a little grumpy. Bear made sure I had something to eat and drink as soon as I got home, or when I would come home between school and work, he’d make sure I had a meal ready. We stayed up late together watching movies and tv shows. Some nights, he would be wide awake but I’d be exhausted and I’d sleep on him on the couch while he watched Gilmore Girls. A mouse came out while he was here and we stayed up laughing and being terrified of it. He got along so well with my family. All of them love him – even mom and dad.

The more time we spend together, especially now that I know 100% that he fits in well with my family and every day stuff, the more I realize how much I love him and how good we are together. I always want to be with him, even when he is so frustrating and so annoying and even when I’m tired and grumpy and just want to sleep. There is so much love in him that he gives just to me, and that’s so incredible. He comes back the 19th and I couldn’t be happier.

I decided to drop out of college. I’m working full time and I don’t even want to be a teacher anymore and I was just so stressed out about it. I didn’t want to do it, so I just stopped. Right now, all I want is to work at Walmart and have my relationships and just exist. That’s it. That’s all I want. I think that’s okay. I don’t know why society pressures us so much to know what we wanna do when there’s no point really. I’m so much happier without school. I feel that my dad and mom are disappointed, somewhere in them, that I won’t be graduating from college. They tell me that it’s fine and that they just want me happy, but I think they wanted to see one of their kids graduate. I’m sorry I can’t be that kid. I just have to stop doing things I don’t want to do.

I adopted new kittens Monday (12/1), a boy and a girl. They’re absolutely precious.

Bear is going to be here Thursday and he’ll be leaving Sunday, and then on the 30th, I’m going to see him until the 2nd. and then!! he’s coming home with me for who knows how long. I think we’re getting to a point where he’s just going to move in with me. I am so in love with him.

11.9.14

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It’s been such a crazy two weeks.

Chick’s things got stolen out of her car – including her wallet, bank card, school things, etc. Rent was due. She’d been telling me all month she had the rent… come to find out she had $160 in her account (rent is $685). That was really terrible, and I was so angry. She’s making enough money to cover rent, so I know she was spending that money on things she didn’t need to spend money on. Luckily, my family covered us.. but it was really scary and upsetting.

School has been okay. Lots of work and my internship is so tedious and inconvenient. I just stand around and I don’t really do much aside from that. I love the kids, though. I’m making them cupcakes for my birthday.

I can’t believe I turn 20 on Friday. The only thing I really want is to see Bear, but I’d feel bad asking someone to come up with the gas money just because I would rather be with him than anyone else.

We’ve been painting our kitchen this pale yellow color and it looks really cute. I’ve been trying to get it done before Bear comes so that the house looks really cute when he gets here. I’m so excited. He’s going to be here, in my space. In my bed, on my couch, in my kitchen. I can’t wait.

I got hired at Walmart yesterday! I have to go in for a drug test tomorrow and orientation will be this week at some point, too. I’m really excited for that! I’ve been needing a job and I’ve wanted to work at Walmart for as long as I can remember. So excited.

Life has been crazy for the last two weeks, but things have been good. Life isn’t always bad things.

10.24.14

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I decided to start a blog just because it struck me recently that there’s gonna be a day someday where I don’t remember this exact moment. I won’t remember the person I am today because I’ll be so different, and that scares me. This is also the first time I’ve done something just for myself. This blog is anonymous and I won’t allow anyone I know to read it. I think it’s healthy to have a place just for me.

I’ve been okay these days. My 19th year is coming to an end, but it’s definitely been the most eye-opening, difficult, amazing year. Since I don’t know where to start with this blog, I’ll just review my year.

November 2013 – Turned 19. Had recently broken up with Redbeard because he was never right for me. I wanted him to be, so badly. But he never was. He just needed somebody and I just wanted someone to make me feel like they understood me and loved me anyway. I was lonely and so naive when we got together and I made bad choices. I regret that relationship so much because I got absolutely nothing out of it. He didn’t allow me to grow.

December 2013 – I don’t remember this being a bad month. My first semester at college was going really well. I was making new friends in my Intervarsity group and I was mostly just really happy. I felt lonely a lot. Really felt like something was missing but couldn’t figure out what. Filled this gap by posting a lot of selfies on Tumblr and flirting with people who didn’t care for me except that I’m pretty. Not so much harmful to me as just silly because it didn’t solve anything.

January 2014 – Bad month. I was bored because I wasn’t in school. Val and Redbeard told me at the same time that they were dating. This crushed me. I stopped talking to both him and her immediately. I stopped going to church. I moved back home. I bought a car just to have to give it back later because she wasn’t working. I had to keep giving my parents all my money. I was so frustrated.

February 2014 – Much better month, though had its ups and downs. Ski and I had a thing going for a week where we acknowledged that we liked each other and then a few days later he said he wasn’t ready and we cut it off before it started. I felt silly. Some strange guy messaged me on tumblr complaining about my music taste. I didn’t know at the time that I’d end up falling in love with said strange guy nor did I know that he was the most incredible person I have ever met. Anyway, I was smitten pretty quickly but he was talking to some other lady so I let it go and just tried to be his friend.

March 2014 – So happy. I was so happy this month. I was very smitten with Bear and we were texting every day, all day. I had my spring break this month from school and we spent the whole time watching Being Human (UK) together. We still joke about Mitch’s fingerless gloves today. He admitted to “Crushin’ on a Fall Out Boy fan” and I about died upon reading it since I’d convinced myself he’d never like me. School was really overwhelming for me and I had to skip quite a few times because I didn’t have the gas money to get there.

April 2014 – Again, all I can remember from this month is happiness and Bear. Meeting him was the best thing that has happened to me so far. I think we talked on the phone for the first time this month. I remember I was so nervous and so scared because I hate the phone. I remember his laugh was honestly the best sound I’d ever heard. My face hurt badly from smiling afterward. Ugly Duckling “broke up with” me this month. I hated her anyway. -shrug-

May 2014 – School got out this month and I couldn’t have been more relieved. Bear and I spent many nights up until 4, 5, 6 am just talking about nothing on the phone. We talked about how comfortable we were with each other and we told each other everything. I also knew it was getting close to time for me to go work at camp, and I was really nervous about telling him. We weren’t dating, we just knew we liked each other. He lived 3 hours away, I didn’t have a car or plans to move there. We met online, so we were taking things very slowly.

June 2014 – This month was a whirlwind. I wasn’t as excited for camp as I had been before. Bear didn’t ask me to stop talking to him when I told him I had to go, and I called him almost every night. I also went to Warped Tour and saw Mayday Parade and The Maine. I should’ve known then that I loved Bear when I was more excited to meet him in person than I was to go to Warped Tour. The first night we met I stayed in Chick’s car for 10 minutes, too nervous to get out. What if he thought I was ugly? What if I said something dumb? What if he was different in person than over text? I was so scared. I eventually knocked on his door and we sat in his living room and watched Finding Nemo. I sat close to him on the couch and he eventually held my hand. It felt really right. Sounds so cliche, but it was so right. The next day, Chick and I spent all day playing games with him and his family and watching movies. I was sad to have to leave. I was so comfortable physically with him even then. We hugged for a long time, and even then, I could feel his affection for me radiating off of him.

Camp was fine. I didn’t find myself as excited about anything. It felt like a chore to get up every day. Bear and I talked every day but some days it wasn’t very much and I missed him so badly some days. I didn’t connect with anyone except Eugene on staff. I really wanted to leave.

July 2014 – Maybe the best month of the year so far. I visited Bear for 4th of July weekend. We went to the fireworks in Suisun City, and he asked me to officially be his girlfriend that night. I found out later he asked quite a few people on Tumblr if they thought that would be a good idea. It really was the cutest thing. He said it really fast, and I knew he was nervous. We kissed for the first time that weekend, laying in his bed. He was kissing my face while we were cuddled very close together and he says, “I’m gonna kiss your lips now,” and I said “okay” and it was sloppy and off-centered but I couldn’t stop smiling. We kissed a few more times after that. He touched my butt. I did not want to leave him to go back to camp. I couldn’t wait for camp to end. I visited him again at the end of July, and on the 26th, he told me he loved me while we were laying in bed cuddling. He said “This might be weird or awkward, but I love you.” His voice didn’t waver. I said “It’s not weird or awkward.” and he said “No? Good.” I spent the next 45 minutes thinking about how I knew I loved him and figuring out how to tell him that. I eventually did, and he kissed me. Leaving was the hardest thing in the world.

August 2014 – This was the craziest month of my entire life. I didn’t see Bear this month. I moved into an apartment 45 minutes away with Chick and nothing about it felt right. I thought maybe it was because I wasn’t ready or because I was scared, but I think now that it just wasn’t a right situation. I never felt at home there. School started, but my financial aid didn’t come through. I felt so lonely. We got evicted in September because of the financial aid situation, and while it was a scary situation, I was happy about it. I knew anywhere was better than that situation. I can’t explain why it wasn’t right. It just wasn’t.

September 2014 – Probably the worst month I’ve had in a very long time. I got sick 3 different times in a row, including throwing up, I got evicted from my first apartment, I moved back next door to my parents, I was so stressed out about school because of my financial aid. I saw Bear in the beginning of the month in a spur of the moment decision. One night, we made out in his bed for a solid two hours. How Its Made was on in the background and I can’t watch that show without him anymore. I let him touch me in ways I never thought I’d let anyone touch me, and I felt even closer to him at the end of this visit.

October 2014 – This month. It has been so much better than last month. So much so that I feel like I’m living a different life than I was a month ago. I’m living next door to my parents now. I’m so in love with Bear that I can’t handle myself. I know he loves me back just as much. It’s incredible. School is fine. I don’t think I’ll make Dean’s List though because it started out rocky with financial aid.

I spent last weekend with Bear. Four nights, Five days. Best weekend with him yet. We kissed so much, in so many different places, in so many different ways. Sleepy kisses, turned-on kisses, lazy kisses, silly kisses. We went to his brother’s football game and we goofed off so much. God, how incredible is it to have someone who you can just goof off with? His mom came, she talked about how gorgeous and cute I was. She told me about how sometimes Bear just gets the sweetest, most genuine smile when he lets his guard down and insinuated that it was because of me. She likes me because of how happy he is. I couldn’t want anything else. We went to the Sacramento Zoo together, with his dad, dad’s gf, and her son + his wife. It was incredible; not only the animals, but the fact that I fit in so well with his family. He made the comment “Seems like you belong here, huh?” and I know I did. I spent a lot of the weekend imagining how okay with life I would be if I could drop out of college and move in with him. I don’t care what my future holds if I have him now. That scares me. I have never loved someone so much.

I know he loves me too. We were laying in bed one night and he made a comment about how my breath was unpleasant. Obviously not a real nice thing to say, but I wasn’t really offended. I jokingly turned away from him and he jokingly pulled me in really close and told me he was just kidding. He kept trying to get me to blow my breath into his mouth so he could prove to me he didn’t mean it. This started out as just a silly situation where he was just kidding with me and we were laughing, but something suddenly shifted. He was so upset. He apologized so many times, even when I told him I wasn’t mad or hurt. I said it’s okay, he said “no, it’s not okay. hurting you is never okay.” He eventually turned away from me and started crying so hard. My heart broke in that moment. All I could do was rub his back and tell him that it was okay and that I love him so much, so much. He was hard to understand because he was talking into his pillow, but he said things like “You deserve so much better” “I’m sorry you love me” “You’re crazy for loving me” “I constantly hurt people I love and it’s not okay” “it’s a defense mechanism it’s not okay”. I wish I could convey the amount of heartbreak that was happening at this moment. He’s crying and I’m rubbing his back and telling him I love him and that nothing is going to change that. He eventually got up and said “I’m going to be so good to you from now on.” The sadness from this happening still lingers inside me, even though it happened about 6 days ago. How incredible it is to be loved so much that it brings someone to tears with the amount that they love me? He’s not always the best at being affectionate with words and telling me how he genuinely feels, but those tears were heartbreakingly genuine.

I am so loved. I can’t even fathom it. How can someone look at me and think that I am beautiful, sexy, desirable, enjoyable to be around? How can someone be so in love with the way I talk and eat and laugh? I’ve never before known this kind of love, but it is so incredible.

I know that even if I don’t get to keep his love forever, that I will always be looking for it. It’s the kind of love I will tell my children to look for. I’ll never settle for anything less again. We don’t promise each other forever, but I really hope our “right now”s turn into that.