4.23.16

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I seriously suck at this blogging thing.. Almost 3 months later and I’m just getting back to this.

So much has happened. My last post talked about the issues Bear and I had in January being resolved — and they definitely are. Then Bear came to visit and we had such an incredible time. Dad ended up totally leaving the family in March and saying he wasn’t coming back, that he was going to Pennsylvania. My heart broke more than it ever has that night and Bear was there the entire time holding me and comforting me. Dad has come home since then and there was a lot of tension at first and I was such a mess. Bear was so selfless and loving, I can’t even believe it.

There was a slight issue with the Ari thing. Bear has this girl that he is good friends with and I’ve had a hard time with her because she used to openly flirt with Bear when him and I were first talking. So of course, it’s hard to not feel weird about it. I realized though that me feeling weird was hurting Bear even though he wasn’t saying anything about it, and I realized how selfish of me it was. I’ve pretty much moved on from it and I’m not nearly as concerned but it was hard for a little bit.

The cats have been good. I currently have the two big cats and the two kittens. My girl kitten doesn’t like me all that much but she loves Bear. We’re hoping he can take her home sometime soon, but there is that whole issue with sister-in-law and her brother feeling they have some sort of claim on her.

We had SIL’s baby shower on April 9th and it was so nice! She got everything she needs for baby and now we’re just waiting for him to be born! He’s due so soon, May 18th. I’ve felt baby W. kick and move so many times and now I just want to hold him. I hope SIL can step up and be a good mom and I hope I can step back and realize I have no say, nor should I, in anything that involves him.

Things here have been a little tense because my family is very lazy and mostly self-centered and it makes it hard for me because I am not that way. I feel most things end up blamed on me and that I mostly have the short-end of the stick. I have no say in anything regarding the house (K. literally rearranged the entire living room and kitchen while I was working with no prior discussion). Bug and Sis leave food and dishes everywhere but yet the cats are blamed when they end up on the floor instead of blaming the people who left their things out for the cats to get.

Chrys came and surprised me toward the end of March as well! That was so incredible. I missed her so much. I did feel as if I’m a little more grown up and together than she is but that’s okay. We’re growing totally separately and it’s totally natural for us to have ebbs and flows and not be totally aligned.

B. and I have become really close friends in the last few months and we ended up making a trip to Old Sacramento with Bear and another old work friend as well. It was a lot of fun though we did witness a rear-end car accident like 20 feet in front of us that triggered my anxiety for days. We went to Apple Hill too even though it was all closed and it was a lot of fun.

Soya and I still struggle because she is friends with Chick and Chick is evil.

I’ve been eating healthier and drinking more water and my job is amazing so I’ve been pretty happy in general. My dad admitted to liking my boyfriend after we went to dinner with my parents and that made my heart happy. I’ve learned to stop caring about how they feel about him but it was still really nice to hear.

Maybe I’ll write here more.

 

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12.15.14

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I need to write here more often. I think about it a lot and then something else always happens where I can’t.

Lots has happened since last time I posted. I had my 20th birthday and Bear came to visit me. He was here for about 10 days, and it was just incredible. I started my job at Walmart the same week he came, and he was so loving and supportive the whole time. My job as a cashier requires me to be standing for hours at a time and dealing with all sorts of people – some pleasant, others not so much. When I first started working, I came home tired and a little grumpy. Bear made sure I had something to eat and drink as soon as I got home, or when I would come home between school and work, he’d make sure I had a meal ready. We stayed up late together watching movies and tv shows. Some nights, he would be wide awake but I’d be exhausted and I’d sleep on him on the couch while he watched Gilmore Girls. A mouse came out while he was here and we stayed up laughing and being terrified of it. He got along so well with my family. All of them love him – even mom and dad.

The more time we spend together, especially now that I know 100% that he fits in well with my family and every day stuff, the more I realize how much I love him and how good we are together. I always want to be with him, even when he is so frustrating and so annoying and even when I’m tired and grumpy and just want to sleep. There is so much love in him that he gives just to me, and that’s so incredible. He comes back the 19th and I couldn’t be happier.

I decided to drop out of college. I’m working full time and I don’t even want to be a teacher anymore and I was just so stressed out about it. I didn’t want to do it, so I just stopped. Right now, all I want is to work at Walmart and have my relationships and just exist. That’s it. That’s all I want. I think that’s okay. I don’t know why society pressures us so much to know what we wanna do when there’s no point really. I’m so much happier without school. I feel that my dad and mom are disappointed, somewhere in them, that I won’t be graduating from college. They tell me that it’s fine and that they just want me happy, but I think they wanted to see one of their kids graduate. I’m sorry I can’t be that kid. I just have to stop doing things I don’t want to do.

I adopted new kittens Monday (12/1), a boy and a girl. They’re absolutely precious.

Bear is going to be here Thursday and he’ll be leaving Sunday, and then on the 30th, I’m going to see him until the 2nd. and then!! he’s coming home with me for who knows how long. I think we’re getting to a point where he’s just going to move in with me. I am so in love with him.