7.8.17

Standard

SO, my dad is back. AGAIN. This is the last thing I ever thought would happen, but here we are. He got back into town late on July 4th. When my mom told us all he was coming back over the weekend obviously everyone was livid, except my little brother, who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself so he doesn’t care. My mom was actually legitimately angry and hurt that we (my older sister, older brother, and me mostly) thought she was being dumb in bringing him back. Things between us and mom just aren’t okay.

I had put in my last post that mom was talking to dad a lot, and I was worried about it, and I obviously had reason to be worried. She kept telling me he wasn’t coming back, but I didn’t believe her, and look where we are. I can’t believe all the shit she said before about how much happier she was with him gone, how much more free and healthy, meant nothing. He always takes all the money and leaves, and as soon as my siblings and I put our money into my mom’s house to fix things for her, he comes back, and she just keeps letting him come back. HE HAS LEFT THREE TIMES. How is there no limit? How can you not value yourself so much that you’d let someone so abusive back in over and over? The horrible things he said to me about mom, apparently he didn’t mean. My parents are both liars. They are immature. They should be the fucking parents here, leaving the kids uninvolved in their relationship, and making choices based on logic and reasoning instead of being lonely and having a tough time and emotions. I get everyone’s a human but they chose to have all of us kids and they are just incredibly selfish parents. A big reason I don’t want kids is because I’ve really seen how even people who live their whole lives waiting to be parents can’t manage to be good ones.

Everything is weird with him here. I don’t go next door. Butterfly has been staying at her dad’s house with her boyfriend and baby W. She’s 14 weeks pregnant now and can’t take the stress of that household anymore. My little brother’s girlfriend is pregnant, like 5 weeks or so, and her last pregnancy was extremely high risk so there’s all that, too. My mom is angry with me because when she asked me why my older sister was upset I told her I didn’t know because I’ve purposely stayed out of the drama. SHE IS LITERALLY ANGRY THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN DRAMA. I’m seriously so done. I’m saving up ¬†money to make a move to live with my boyfriend in his hometown about 3 hours away.

On a better note, I’ve gotten so much financial aid that I went ahead and bought my laptop and new clothes on my credit card because I know for sure I’m going to be able to pay it off. I will even be able to save hopefully a grand of that financial aid money. We’ll see, but I’m excited.

Bear and I have been really good. We just celebrated our third anniversary, which is insane to me. I can’t believe we’ve been together for three whole years already.

6.13.17

Standard

I’m officially going back to school! I got my financial aid award letter a couple of weeks ago, and have met with a counselor. I’m going for the Associate of Arts, and then for my bachelor’s in Human Development Family Studies, which gears me up to get a job in social work or something similar! I start school August 28 which feels like so far away!

I am enrolled in 4 classes so far – intro to psychology, intro to sociology, intro to environmental science, and substance abuse education. I will enroll in a history class when I hear back from an advisor about my transfer credits. They are all online classes and my financial aid (a government grant) more than covers everything so I’ll even be able to get a new laptop and make my car payments with it. I’m basically going to school for free which is so amazing.

I am scared that I’m not preparing myself for how difficult it could be working 30 hours a week and taking classes full time. I think I will have no problem managing it but I do worry that I’m not realizing how much time college will take and I’ll end up overwhelmed.

B got out of the mental hospital like 4 days after she went and never attempted to contact me.. actually, she went through the effort of completely blocking me on every social media. I had removed her so we were no longer friends on these, but the fact she went through and completely blocked me kind of felt like a big slap in the face. I was nothing but nice to her. I had to be done with the friendship because it was only hurting me. I don’t know why she couldn’t understand that.

I feel continually hurt over this situation, I’m obsessing over it. Not only do I feel like I need to be able to check on her so I know she’s alive (she’s been suicidal) but why go through the effort to block me when you’re the one that hurt me? She was basically begging me to give her a chance.. and when I said “talk to me after you get out of the hospital” she somehow turned herself around into anger and now has me blocked everywhere and hasn’t messaged me. It’s not that I wanted her to message me. I just guess it sucks because I know she has this twisted so that I’m the bad guy in her head and I can’t stand people thinking badly of me.

Ever since my dad left I’ve just adopted this attitude of not letting people hurt me and take advantage of me. No one ever cares the same way I do and I end up getting hurt so bad, every single time!

Speaking of my dad, my mom is still talking to him. a lot. I catch her playing computer games with him, he bought and sent her a new blanket for her bed… she tried telling me “he’s really growing up!” no mom, he isn’t. I miss him so bad sometimes it randomly brings me to tears but I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to talk to him again with all that he left between us.

Butterfly had an ultrasound appointment but aside from getting to see baby bean in her tummy, we got no helpful information. We don’t really know how far along she is and I don’t think she’s made any extra appointments anywhere. Her pregnancy with baby W was so calm and easy but this baby is giving her hell. Maybe when she is out of her first trimester things will settle down.

This weekend Bear and I are going to see his family in his town about 3 hours away. I’m excited. I’m so glad I don’t have to be near my family on father’s day. AJ is a deadbeat dad to baby W and I don’t want to fake my way through a day with him.

 

5.12.17

Standard

My life is constant chaos. There is rarely ever any sign of peace or comfort.

Since my dad left, my little brother had been stepping up to pay bills for my mom. She can’t work because she’s sick and she only makes enough money for the rent and some groceries with her government aid, so when my dad left, we all kind of panicked. There was still the gas, water, trash, electric, and internet bills to pay. But little brother said he would take care of it and he did, for a while. He got all the bills caught up and spent more than a thousand dollars doing so.

The other day, his girlfriend, Kay, lost her shit. She got into a fight with my brother in the house which included lots of screaming, crying, and punching holes through walls. My little brother told her to leave multiple times and she wouldn’t. Things calmed down the next day but my mom was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the level of violence that happened, especially because Baby W lives there. She sat down with Kay when they were having coffee and said, calmly “We can’t have that kind of fighting in the house again,” and Kay went berserk. Screamed at mom, lunged at her, etc. Left the house saying she was never coming back.

Now, Kay has been weird for the last couple of weeks. Things like getting mad when my brother would spend time with his baby (baby W) but not her 2 year old. Telling him he isn’t allowed to drink, going through his phone, policing his money. So we all kind of knew she was bad news and I have been done with her attitude for weeks.

But after this fight with my mom, she went to my brother, said my mom chased her out of the house screaming at her, and that night my brother decided he was moving out immediately. Did exactly what Dad did – took off with no warning and with all the money. My family speculates that it’s just Kay lying to him and turning him against the family but if you ask me, brother would have done this anyway. He has always been selfish and self-centered and only ever cares about people or things as long as they are constantly benefitting him. He broke up with my sister in law (we’ll call her Butterfly since she won’t technically be my sister in law anymore soon) because she stopped having sex with him.

I am more angry at him and Kay than I ever thought I could be. How can someone be so manipulative and evil like Kay is? She has obviously encouraged this situation to happen. How can my little brother be such a little shit? How can someone turn on their entire family for someone they’ve been dating for 6 months? His plan is to live in a MOTEL for a month because Kay has somehow convinced him he will save money that way. Keep in mind he is 18, she is like.. 21? and this is his first job as an adult. He is making a lot of money and has no clue how to handle it. Kay constantly talks about how good she is with money but I really suspect that she just wants to use him for his money. And whatever, you know? I have disliked my brother for years and this is just the final straw. He is supposed to get his things from my mom’s place by Sunday and then I’m blocking his dumbass on Facebook and blocking his phone number. I absolutely want nothing to do with him ever again.

I have Mother’s Day planned out so well. I got Butterfly, Mom, and my older sister some individual gifts plus I have planned with my big brother to bring them all over to his house for coffee and brunch on Sunday and they have no clue where I’m taking them. I believe that day will at least be good.

Bear has been here for a few weeks now and things have been mostly good. I started getting my anxious-trapped feeling that I have gotten in previous relationships when they needed to end and that freaked me out to the extreme. I knew I needed to figure out why I was getting that feeling and do what I could do fix it, and I think I did. I think a lot of it was my anxiety from my home situation, but also some of it was just the way Bear talks to me. He snaps often, he has a temper, and I never know what’s going to make him angry. Anger scares me. Anger from men my whole life has meant screaming and throwing things and leaving and saying very hurtful things, and Bear is included in this. When he gets angry he says mean things and he gets loud and he usually leaves the room I am in. I feel like he gets angry out of nowhere. When I’m mad at him I think so hard about what I say to him and never say things like “I can’t stand you” even when I feel it. Because that hurts feelings and it’s not a forever feeling, it’s usually just because I feel mad that I feel that way. But he doesn’t think first and just says whatever he can to hurt my feelings when he’s angry at me. Even when he isn’t angry, he will randomly say mean things.

For example, I came home from work and told him I was going to start a load of laundry. He says “Good luck with that. They’re doing laundry.” His tone was rude and even just what he said was so unnecessary. How hard is it to just say “I’m pretty sure your sister is doing laundry so you may not be able to do that tonight.” He just doesn’t comprehend that you can’t be an asshole all the time. This has always been an issue with us. He talks so harshly, and though I have tried to not let it get to me, it does anyway. I talked to him about this and we basically concluded that I just need to give him what he gives me. I need to tell him, “Don’t talk to me like that.” when he snaps at me for no reason (if I even think about snapping at him he says that to me). I need to snap back when he yells at me for no reason.

This is a big deal to me. I can’t feel comfortable if someone is going to be mean to me, even with just their words, constantly. He is nice in every other way – he does things for me without me asking, he thinks of me, etc. but his words sometimes are so harsh and I can’t spend my life with someone who has a quick and unpredictable temper like his. I have grown up with it and I just can’t marry it, too. I hope it doesn’t get to that kind of situation because I do feel we can be perfect for each other. I’ve just been feeling so anxious realizing that I can’t be with him if he doesn’t get better.

On a different note, I want to go back to school. I think I will be able to in the fall if I get on top of it and figure out what I’m doing soon. I hope so, because I just need to go back to school.

4.10.17

Standard

It’s been almost two weeks since my dad left, and they’ve been the most positive two weeks I’ve had in a long time.

My mom is SO happy. In the last few years she has gone from someone who fixes problems to someone who cries at any sign of trouble. She went from someone who loved being creative with meals and making dinner for the family to someone who just didn’t eat. She went from loving to paint with all the windows open and music loud to mostly spending her days in her dark room with Netflix. She stopped enjoying going out of the house with me. I always assumed it was the uterine cancer she had in 2011 that literally almost killed her. I just thought the fact that she went through so much had just completely broken her down. ¬†This was around the same time she received her Lupus diagnosis as well, so until recently, that seemed like a likely reason for my mom to become this person.

Except… it was all my dad. It was my mom’s constant fear of her efforts still not being good enough to make him happy. It was the constant guilt she felt for enjoying herself when he was always in the other room, angry about something. It was from constantly feeling small because she kept having to ask her children for money just to live. He was always complaining about dinner (“Chicken for the second night in a row?” “How is this a meal? There’s no meat.”), so of course she stopped caring about cooking. She couldn’t enjoy her time out with me because he literally yelled at her for feeling happy when he noticed she did. I feel so guilty that I have looked down on my mom and lost respect for her because of the way she began moping around our lives – I never once considered it was the man who I looked up to SO much causing it all.

My mom spent the entire weekend helping me paint and decorate my room. She painted a dresser for me, took multiple long shopping trips picking out paint and decorations and sheets. She stayed up past midnight two nights in a row helping me. I convinced her to buy hot pink sheets for her room because she actually felt excited about them. She bought burgundy hair dye. She has enough food in her house to last her the entire month. The house isn’t dark all the time anymore, there’s no tension just wafting through the air.

I love my dad so much. But I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I wish he didn’t leave her this way – there are ways to end a marriage that don’t result in hurting everyone around you and causing chaos wherever you go. He could have talked it all out and we would have helped him find a place in town and get a job or budget and do whatever he needed to do. My mom even told him she’d help him get everything he needed to rent a studio apartment. Nothing is good enough for him though.

He’s across the country now with his sister and I mostly just feel relieved that he can’t come back all the sudden. He texts me once a day to tell me he loves me, so I know he’s alive. I don’t really care to know much more than that, though.

On a different note – I go camping with Bear and his family this weekend and then he’s coming home with me! I AM SO EXCITED. He hasn’t been here since the beginning of December but I have visited him a couple of time since then (I think at the end of Jan and then mid March) for 3 days each. I’ve seen him only 6 days in the last like 4 months. I’m so happy he’s coming back. He doesn’t know the room has been redone so he’s going to be so surprised. There’s so much space for all his stuff now, there’s no way he won’t love it.

1.22.17

Standard

Bear and I had our yearly January fight. Every single January since we’ve been dating he picks a huge fight with me where we almost break up, and every single January all he can manage to say is it is all my fault. He went on and on for hours about how he works so hard for me, he does so much, and how I am so bad for his mental health and he has been agonizing for YEARS apparently about how bad I am for him and how horrible everything is. I just let him go on and on about it because what the hell ever, but really? He kept saying I try to change him because I ask him not to pick fights with my family and to try not to be an asshole when he talks to me. He thinks he’s suuuuuch a hero because he puts effort into our relationship.

He doesn’t recognize that that’s just what you do in a relationship. I constantly put effort in to care about things he is passionate about, to spend time doing things that make him feel loved because let’s face it, I am much easier to please than he is and he needs a lot more quality time than I do. I put constant effort in because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. I dote all over him. I don’t tell him most of the time when he hurts my feelings. I go above and beyond constantly and it always feels like it isn’t enough for him.

I never doubt our relationship until this big fights that he picks for no reason. He gets mean. I mean, he literally told me I am bad for his mental health. All I do is encourage him to talk himself through the panic and to speak up for himself. Honestly I am scared for our future because he can’t get a job because of his mental health and how would we EVER afford to live together like that? but I love him, and I’ve accepted that, so I don’t say anything. I ask him to think about how what he’s saying is hurtful to me and apparently that is me “trying to change him”. Sorry it’s such an effort to not hurt your girlfriend’s feelings all the time. Sorry it is sooo hard to care about how what you’re saying affects someone else.

I just get SO frustrated because it feels like he just says mean things until I am beaten down and just say “okay” over and over until he’s pleased. I am never right. He apparently never hurts my feelings, and any time I think he does, it’s just me overreacting. I apparently should not be his problem. He loves me and makes me feel so amazing some of the time but he doesn’t CARE that his words have effect on people, he thinks he should be able to say whatever he wants and everyone else should deal with it or fuck off.

He has helped me grow so much and I was so sure of our future and now it’s like, is this what I have to look forward to? Once a year being told I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve him and me crying and scrambling to make him happy again for a few months until he decides to rage at me again?

He has been the love of my life. I am scared that we won’t make it to forever. I am not going to break up with him right now but I just can’t get over this all. He makes me feel like such shit sometimes and I can’t ever say that because he will just guilt me and tell me I’m over reacting. He isn’t good at saying sorry because he doesn’t feel he should have to.

In the beginning of our relationship he cared so much more whether he hurt my feelings. He was always saying sweet things and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. It’s like we have a wall up since then. I am going to genuinely try this out and try to not be so sensitive because I do admit that because we are so close I don’t feel bad telling him when he’s hurt me but maybe that comfort has caused me to be too sensitive and therefore cause this issue.

I’m going to just chill out. Be more loving and just assume anything he says is joking. I’ve obviously gotten too comfortable in our relationship.

He just called me and ignored it. I don’t WANT to talk to him. We have talked since we fought because at first I was just so grateful he didn’t break up with me, but I’m just this dull angry now. I’m not sure I will call him back or say goodnight to him tonight. I may just watch some more gossip girl and then go to bed. I know I need to be affectionate and loving but I don’t have it in me right now and I almost WANT to hurt his feelings.

1.7.17

Standard

I’m not mad at Bear anymore, and also, he told me tonight that he wants us to have sex for the first time next time we see each other. We have been together for 2.5 years and we’re finally going to be together in one of the most intimate ways ever. As a reminder, we are both virgins and we are so deeply in love as it is that I feel like this is really a huge thing.

but also.. before the sex conversation tonight I was really embarrassing. Like I still feel like crying when I look at it.

embarrassed1embarrassed2embarrassed3embarrassed4

 

OK Seriously, how awkward is that conversation? Like.. I feel like he could have been nicer and understood it was an awkward thing since we have never talked about marriage.I could have brought it up better FOR SURE but I sent a sweet text, and that’s supposed to fix it. Ugh, I couldn’t even think straight after that. Why am I so awkward?

1.2.17

Standard

I can’t believe it’s already the new year!! Everyone is saying 2016 was bad but I honestly don’t have any particularly negative or positive feelings toward the year as a whole. This scares me a little – did I not grow enough to feel something about it?

All I feel is excitement at the beginning of a new year. I lost 30 pounds at the end of 2016 and I really wanna lose another 40. I’m going back to the low carb lifestyle after letting myself get off track and I’m really excited about it.

I originally wanted to type this because my best friend since 6th grade got mad at me for telling me it wouldn’t be smart to have a baby right now. I don”t want to give her personal details out but there is literally no place in her relationship, mental health, or financial stability for a baby. I feel like as a friend, I should be giving her those reality checks from time to time. That’s what friends do. I’m sorry but I’d be an enabler if I just didn’t say anything! She told me I was rude, she hurt my feelings. I was just trying to care about her but apparently that’s mean.

I then vented to Bear about this and he told me I was being unreasonable and I shouldn’t tell people how to live their lives. I JUST WANTED HIM TO TELL ME I WAS BEING A GOOD FRIEND. But apparently I’m a giant asshole who shouldn’t make my people think about things before they do them. He hurt my feelings so bad but not even trying to make me feel better about my hurt feelings. He decided to hurt mine worse. I didn’t answer his text because I didn’t want to fight with him about this because I know he’ll just tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’ll end up apologizing. We’ll get over it, but I’m mad. Happy new year. *eye roll*