6.13.17

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I’m officially going back to school! I got my financial aid award letter a couple of weeks ago, and have met with a counselor. I’m going for the Associate of Arts, and then for my bachelor’s in Human Development Family Studies, which gears me up to get a job in social work or something similar! I start school August 28 which feels like so far away!

I am enrolled in 4 classes so far – intro to psychology, intro to sociology, intro to environmental science, and substance abuse education. I will enroll in a history class when I hear back from an advisor about my transfer credits. They are all online classes and my financial aid (a government grant) more than covers everything so I’ll even be able to get a new laptop and make my car payments with it. I’m basically going to school for free which is so amazing.

I am scared that I’m not preparing myself for how difficult it could be working 30 hours a week and taking classes full time. I think I will have no problem managing it but I do worry that I’m not realizing how much time college will take and I’ll end up overwhelmed.

B got out of the mental hospital like 4 days after she went and never attempted to contact me.. actually, she went through the effort of completely blocking me on every social media. I had removed her so we were no longer friends on these, but the fact she went through and completely blocked me kind of felt like a big slap in the face. I was nothing but nice to her. I had to be done with the friendship because it was only hurting me. I don’t know why she couldn’t understand that.

I feel continually hurt over this situation, I’m obsessing over it. Not only do I feel like I need to be able to check on her so I know she’s alive (she’s been suicidal) but why go through the effort to block me when you’re the one that hurt me? She was basically begging me to give her a chance.. and when I said “talk to me after you get out of the hospital” she somehow turned herself around into anger and now has me blocked everywhere and hasn’t messaged me. It’s not that I wanted her to message me. I just guess it sucks because I know she has this twisted so that I’m the bad guy in her head and I can’t stand people thinking badly of me.

Ever since my dad left I’ve just adopted this attitude of not letting people hurt me and take advantage of me. No one ever cares the same way I do and I end up getting hurt so bad, every single time!

Speaking of my dad, my mom is still talking to him. a lot. I catch her playing computer games with him, he bought and sent her a new blanket for her bed… she tried telling me “he’s really growing up!” no mom, he isn’t. I miss him so bad sometimes it randomly brings me to tears but I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to talk to him again with all that he left between us.

Butterfly had an ultrasound appointment but aside from getting to see baby bean in her tummy, we got no helpful information. We don’t really know how far along she is and I don’t think she’s made any extra appointments anywhere. Her pregnancy with baby W was so calm and easy but this baby is giving her hell. Maybe when she is out of her first trimester things will settle down.

This weekend Bear and I are going to see his family in his town about 3 hours away. I’m excited. I’m so glad I don’t have to be near my family on father’s day. AJ is a deadbeat dad to baby W and I don’t want to fake my way through a day with him.

 

3.13.17

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I’m in this habit of rereading my previous post before I make a new one, just so I can remember where I was at the last time I updated. Evidently, I wasn’t in a good place last time.

Bear and I are just fine now. I did as I said I was going to and stopped taking everything so seriously and tried hard to be the more silly girl I was when we met. I visited him and saw him in person, and we talked more about things. My main issue at that point was I was scared to have him come back to my house because I didn’t trust him not to pick fights with my shitty little brother. I explained to him exactly what would happen if he did that — which would be my family disliking him and making me feel like I have a bad boyfriend and then him not really being able to be here again because of my family. They will always take my brother’s side, even though he is ALWAYS wrong. So if he were to stand up to my brother’s bullshit, all that would happen is everyone would dislike Bear and make me feel dumb for being with him. After this long conversation, he finally got it.

I think he didn’t understand at first because he doesn’t realize my family doesn’t function on logic. They focus primarily on loyalty WHICH ALWAYS GETS THEM HURT. They really do believe loyalty is the most important thing but sorry, I’m not going to be loyal to my little brother who lets my parents eat a piece of 3 day old birthday cake for dinner when he has the means to buy groceries and just refuses. Bear’s family is more rational and logical than mine and can be talked out of situations because they understand logic. Bear finally got it and I felt like a weight was lifted off me for sure. He knows now what will really happen if he gets himself that involved, and now I believe he won’t do that.

We opened up so much sexually during our last visit. I mean, we tried to have sex and it just didn’t work, hahah. Like that sounds ridiculous but he had this whole idea in his head that we were gonna do it as soon as I got to his house. The whole moment felt so tense and rushed and weird. We have never planned things like that in our relationship, we always wait for things to happen organically. It had a lot of potential to be awkward, as after a while we just stopped trying and we were just kind of sitting there. I let him know it was okay and I didn’t feel weird, like we’re both virgins and my vagina is the size of a spaghetti-o and he doesn’t know what he’s doing either, and we overplanned it. We got over the moment and talked it out and it was a positive thing. I let all my friends think we did it though. Like we’ve done almost everything except that and I just don’t want to be talked down to about it. I’m 22 years old, not 16, they don’t need to know everything. Bear and I still had an incredible time and I’m excited to see him again to do more of that.

I’m going camping with his family for Easter, but I hope I can see him before that. He is supposed to come back with me after camping so I am a little tempted to not see him before that so I don’t have to drive home alone one more time. But I miss him, and that’s still a month away… I don’t know.

I’m having a hard time with money lately because I  have to keep paying my parents’ damn bills. I love them SO incredibly much, but I paid like half their rent for Feb and now this month I had to pay almost $300 in a gas bill and I’m just so over it. I hope when I get paid this week I can get my stuff back on track. I’m trying so hard to pay my credit card off and they’re making it impossible.

I had a huge fight with Chrystine a couple of weeks ago. I could tell she was mad at me for weeks, all because I call B my best friend (rightfully so, she is my best friend) on social media, and because I don’t text C that often. It has been exhausting because B has been suicidal and then all my stuff with Bear has just had me so emotionally spent, and Chrystine is the most needy person I’ve ever met. She went behind my back and messaged Chick (ex best friend and roommate who hates my guts) to say she was “under my spell” and that she was sorry she wasn’t her friend because of me. She even told her how SELFISH I am. Like sorry I’m spending all my time talking B down from killing herself and paying all my parents’ bills. sorry that’s too selfish for you.

Chrystine and I got over it – it really came down to her needing way more from me than I really have the energy to give. She apologized 100 times, and I’ve made more of an effort to text her. Of course, this means I’ve had no energy for B and I’m just glad she has managed to be okay without me. I just don’t have the energy for two friends.

I want to go back to school pretty badly, and I want to save up money, and I want to lose weight and have a more active life. BUT I AM SO TIRED OF TRYING SO HARD FOR EVERYTHING. I just need to take a nap for a couple weeks.

 

1.2.17

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I can’t believe it’s already the new year!! Everyone is saying 2016 was bad but I honestly don’t have any particularly negative or positive feelings toward the year as a whole. This scares me a little – did I not grow enough to feel something about it?

All I feel is excitement at the beginning of a new year. I lost 30 pounds at the end of 2016 and I really wanna lose another 40. I’m going back to the low carb lifestyle after letting myself get off track and I’m really excited about it.

I originally wanted to type this because my best friend since 6th grade got mad at me for telling me it wouldn’t be smart to have a baby right now. I don”t want to give her personal details out but there is literally no place in her relationship, mental health, or financial stability for a baby. I feel like as a friend, I should be giving her those reality checks from time to time. That’s what friends do. I’m sorry but I’d be an enabler if I just didn’t say anything! She told me I was rude, she hurt my feelings. I was just trying to care about her but apparently that’s mean.

I then vented to Bear about this and he told me I was being unreasonable and I shouldn’t tell people how to live their lives. I JUST WANTED HIM TO TELL ME I WAS BEING A GOOD FRIEND. But apparently I’m a giant asshole who shouldn’t make my people think about things before they do them. He hurt my feelings so bad but not even trying to make me feel better about my hurt feelings. He decided to hurt mine worse. I didn’t answer his text because I didn’t want to fight with him about this because I know he’ll just tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’ll end up apologizing. We’ll get over it, but I’m mad. Happy new year. *eye roll*

 

4.23.16

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I seriously suck at this blogging thing.. Almost 3 months later and I’m just getting back to this.

So much has happened. My last post talked about the issues Bear and I had in January being resolved — and they definitely are. Then Bear came to visit and we had such an incredible time. Dad ended up totally leaving the family in March and saying he wasn’t coming back, that he was going to Pennsylvania. My heart broke more than it ever has that night and Bear was there the entire time holding me and comforting me. Dad has come home since then and there was a lot of tension at first and I was such a mess. Bear was so selfless and loving, I can’t even believe it.

There was a slight issue with the Ari thing. Bear has this girl that he is good friends with and I’ve had a hard time with her because she used to openly flirt with Bear when him and I were first talking. So of course, it’s hard to not feel weird about it. I realized though that me feeling weird was hurting Bear even though he wasn’t saying anything about it, and I realized how selfish of me it was. I’ve pretty much moved on from it and I’m not nearly as concerned but it was hard for a little bit.

The cats have been good. I currently have the two big cats and the two kittens. My girl kitten doesn’t like me all that much but she loves Bear. We’re hoping he can take her home sometime soon, but there is that whole issue with sister-in-law and her brother feeling they have some sort of claim on her.

We had SIL’s baby shower on April 9th and it was so nice! She got everything she needs for baby and now we’re just waiting for him to be born! He’s due so soon, May 18th. I’ve felt baby W. kick and move so many times and now I just want to hold him. I hope SIL can step up and be a good mom and I hope I can step back and realize I have no say, nor should I, in anything that involves him.

Things here have been a little tense because my family is very lazy and mostly self-centered and it makes it hard for me because I am not that way. I feel most things end up blamed on me and that I mostly have the short-end of the stick. I have no say in anything regarding the house (K. literally rearranged the entire living room and kitchen while I was working with no prior discussion). Bug and Sis leave food and dishes everywhere but yet the cats are blamed when they end up on the floor instead of blaming the people who left their things out for the cats to get.

Chrys came and surprised me toward the end of March as well! That was so incredible. I missed her so much. I did feel as if I’m a little more grown up and together than she is but that’s okay. We’re growing totally separately and it’s totally natural for us to have ebbs and flows and not be totally aligned.

B. and I have become really close friends in the last few months and we ended up making a trip to Old Sacramento with Bear and another old work friend as well. It was a lot of fun though we did witness a rear-end car accident like 20 feet in front of us that triggered my anxiety for days. We went to Apple Hill too even though it was all closed and it was a lot of fun.

Soya and I still struggle because she is friends with Chick and Chick is evil.

I’ve been eating healthier and drinking more water and my job is amazing so I’ve been pretty happy in general. My dad admitted to liking my boyfriend after we went to dinner with my parents and that made my heart happy. I’ve learned to stop caring about how they feel about him but it was still really nice to hear.

Maybe I’ll write here more.

 

6.1.15

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Things are much better now than they were when I posted last time. It took a while for things to heal between Bear and I but things feel back at 100%. I went to see him for our Lemuria concert at the end of April and the night before I left, he asked if he could come back with me. We talked so so much during our time apart and communicated a lot of things regarding how we speak to each other, and even sex-related things. He even said he was ready to give me oral but I am in noooo way ready for that, even still. I’ve told him that and he hasn’t tried to push it.

He’s still here with me and he will be until after our anniversary in July. I didn’t get the day off from work so he’s staying here until then so we can spend the day together. I have a month to figure out what to get him. Less time if I want to get if offline. I just don’t know. I’ve never been good at gifts and he always seems to nail it. I love him so much and I want the anniversary to be perfect. Little worried about that.

Been working a lot lot of hours. I wish I could go back to school so I can do something other than this but even the idea of school still stresses me out so much that I know I’m not ready. Maybe next year.

Chick and I aren’t really on good terms anymore. Ever since she came and got the cat after her dad passed away in a freak sky-diving accident, she’s only spoken to me in necessity. She and Soya intentionally tweet about being together to upset me. I know they do, but I don’t even care anymore. Sure, my feelings are hurt and the only friends I have are work acquaintances and Bear and Chrys, but who cares. Just.. who cares. Don’t need people like them around really. They just make my life harder.

We got my mom a bunch of giftcards for mother’s day and she loved them. It was all my idea but I got all my siblings together and no one took individual credit for anything and I’m so glad it made her so happy. I wish I could give my parents the whole world.

Been getting lots of bad migraines lately on top of having a UTI and bad allergies. Not sure what’s going on to give me these migraines and I’m worried about it but also terrified of the doctor so for now, I’ll avoid it. Adulting, right?

Bear and I have spent the whole day doing puzzles and watching musicals. We’re at the end of Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang now. It’s been such a good day. Really love this guy.

3.6.15

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It’s so crazy how much changes in a month.

I got my job at Walmart back, and I couldn’t be happier with it. I’m permanent now, and they’re giving me a lot of hours, and I’m really loving it still. I really just love having the stable income. Having money really does relieve my stress. I want to be able to pay off my credit card, pay off my late cell phone bill (dad missed a month in the summer and so we’ve been behind for months), save for my braces (that’s almost 5k in itself), and just save in general so Bear and I can take trips, just him and I. how incredible would that be?

Chick moved out. I realized in the middle of February that she wasn’t going to have rent money since she was only working like 12 hours a week, and when I confronted her, she didn’t deny it. Honestly, at that point, my only option was to have my sister move in. I offered Chick a room and told her she could share with Bug until she went to camp, but she decided she’d rather live with Jess and her parents 45 minutes away. That hurt my feelings quite a bit because I’ve done so much for her but as I was doing what was best for me by inviting Sister in, she was doing what was best for her by leaving. It happens.

Having my sister here has been weird, but nice. She makes dinner every night. She shops for us, she pays the rent, she pays the water and gas bills.. she loves me and respects me as a person and as her sister and that’s what I love. She’s better at adulting than I am so I don’t feel as alone living here now.

Bear left to go see his family for what was supposed to be a week but turned into at least two and a half weeks. The day I was supposed to go get him, it snowed in Tahoe and I have learned my lesson and refused to go. I spent two days crying about it. It’s so so weird not having him here. I never thought I’d find someone who I wanted to be around 24/7. His presence is so calming and relaxing to me, I feel so much more stable and okay when we’re together. He’s kinda like the human form of an anxiety pill. He jokingly mentioned marriage today and my heart was racing for 15 minutes. Last time a guy mentioned marriage to me I felt nauseous for an hour and couldn’t make eye contact for two days but then felt obligated to let him continue. This has got to be love. I can’t wait until he comes home to me.

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11.9.14

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It’s been such a crazy two weeks.

Chick’s things got stolen out of her car – including her wallet, bank card, school things, etc. Rent was due. She’d been telling me all month she had the rent… come to find out she had $160 in her account (rent is $685). That was really terrible, and I was so angry. She’s making enough money to cover rent, so I know she was spending that money on things she didn’t need to spend money on. Luckily, my family covered us.. but it was really scary and upsetting.

School has been okay. Lots of work and my internship is so tedious and inconvenient. I just stand around and I don’t really do much aside from that. I love the kids, though. I’m making them cupcakes for my birthday.

I can’t believe I turn 20 on Friday. The only thing I really want is to see Bear, but I’d feel bad asking someone to come up with the gas money just because I would rather be with him than anyone else.

We’ve been painting our kitchen this pale yellow color and it looks really cute. I’ve been trying to get it done before Bear comes so that the house looks really cute when he gets here. I’m so excited. He’s going to be here, in my space. In my bed, on my couch, in my kitchen. I can’t wait.

I got hired at Walmart yesterday! I have to go in for a drug test tomorrow and orientation will be this week at some point, too. I’m really excited for that! I’ve been needing a job and I’ve wanted to work at Walmart for as long as I can remember. So excited.

Life has been crazy for the last two weeks, but things have been good. Life isn’t always bad things.