4.10.17

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It’s been almost two weeks since my dad left, and they’ve been the most positive two weeks I’ve had in a long time.

My mom is SO happy. In the last few years she has gone from someone who fixes problems to someone who cries at any sign of trouble. She went from someone who loved being creative with meals and making dinner for the family to someone who just didn’t eat. She went from loving to paint with all the windows open and music loud to mostly spending her days in her dark room with Netflix. She stopped enjoying going out of the house with me. I always assumed it was the uterine cancer she had in 2011 that literally almost killed her. I just thought the fact that she went through so much had just completely broken her down.  This was around the same time she received her Lupus diagnosis as well, so until recently, that seemed like a likely reason for my mom to become this person.

Except… it was all my dad. It was my mom’s constant fear of her efforts still not being good enough to make him happy. It was the constant guilt she felt for enjoying herself when he was always in the other room, angry about something. It was from constantly feeling small because she kept having to ask her children for money just to live. He was always complaining about dinner (“Chicken for the second night in a row?” “How is this a meal? There’s no meat.”), so of course she stopped caring about cooking. She couldn’t enjoy her time out with me because he literally yelled at her for feeling happy when he noticed she did. I feel so guilty that I have looked down on my mom and lost respect for her because of the way she began moping around our lives – I never once considered it was the man who I looked up to SO much causing it all.

My mom spent the entire weekend helping me paint and decorate my room. She painted a dresser for me, took multiple long shopping trips picking out paint and decorations and sheets. She stayed up past midnight two nights in a row helping me. I convinced her to buy hot pink sheets for her room because she actually felt excited about them. She bought burgundy hair dye. She has enough food in her house to last her the entire month. The house isn’t dark all the time anymore, there’s no tension just wafting through the air.

I love my dad so much. But I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I wish he didn’t leave her this way – there are ways to end a marriage that don’t result in hurting everyone around you and causing chaos wherever you go. He could have talked it all out and we would have helped him find a place in town and get a job or budget and do whatever he needed to do. My mom even told him she’d help him get everything he needed to rent a studio apartment. Nothing is good enough for him though.

He’s across the country now with his sister and I mostly just feel relieved that he can’t come back all the sudden. He texts me once a day to tell me he loves me, so I know he’s alive. I don’t really care to know much more than that, though.

On a different note – I go camping with Bear and his family this weekend and then he’s coming home with me! I AM SO EXCITED. He hasn’t been here since the beginning of December but I have visited him a couple of time since then (I think at the end of Jan and then mid March) for 3 days each. I’ve seen him only 6 days in the last like 4 months. I’m so happy he’s coming back. He doesn’t know the room has been redone so he’s going to be so surprised. There’s so much space for all his stuff now, there’s no way he won’t love it.

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4.3.17

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So, my dad took off on my family. Again. Let me start at the beginning.

Some years ago (like between 5-6 i think) my dad and my mom had a huge fight while I was at church, and my dad packed the car up and left. My dad at the time had a lot of anger issues but my parents were genuinely in love at this time and I was just a kid, and it was horrible. I cried so much. My heart was completely shattered. My dad ended up coming back that same day, he cried, he apologized. We found out he had depression issues he had felt too embarrassed about to say anything. We got him to the doctor and he got meds and things felt like they went back to normal for me.

March 2016 – My dad left suddenly again. I honestly believe my mind has protected me from some of this because I don’t remember how I found out. I just remember my heart broke, again. Bear was here with me. My dad claimed it was because we were poor all the time. He hadn’t been taking his meds correctly. My mom packed up all his things, my dad called me and told me he was going across the country to stay with his sister, who was messaging me on facebook telling me she wasn’t going to let him go. My dad was gone for a few days but when he left he took all the money with him. My mom had to scramble to figure out rent, and things were really really bad. My big brother stopped calling him dad after this. My dad came back a few days after he left but I could feel that things were not the same for my mom. My mom and I were the only two who wanted to let him come back. I was in denial. I wanted him back because I didn’t know how to deal with a reality where my parents were separated. This was an incredibly hard time. Nothing really went back to normal after this. My dad’s car got repossessed a few weeks after he came back. My mom became quiet and just got sicker and sicker (she has lupus, that’s what happens when she gets stressed). As the year went on bills started struggling more and more, and I was going broke every month paying bills for them.

March 2017, what just happened – I was watching a movie with Bear (he’s 3 hours away at home) when my dad comes in and tells me he’s leaving. I had known for a couple of months this was coming. He stopped taking his meds again.  He started getting angry at nothing. He said some really shitty things to me a couple of weeks ago about how Bear doesn’t love me. My mom told me a couple weeks ago that she had a feeling that he was going to leave when they got paid in April. I knew she was right but I was scared. So anyway, he sat on my bed and told me he’s leaving because he isn’t happy. and that he’s tired of spending all his money every month making everyone else happy. He eventually left. I cried all night. He came back later that night, drunk, and demanded he stay the night because it was too cold for him to sleep in the car and that he didn’t have money to leave for like 5 days. The next day my big brother got him a motel room and came over and told him to go (he was nice about it, but again, they haven’t gotten along since he left in 2016). We spent Friday morning sorting out bills, trying to take his name off things and budget so we could figure out how to help my mom cover it. All the bills were days away from being shut off – he hadn’t paid most of them in months. We found out the trash bill was $75/three months, but he told us it was $75 a month. He was pocketing money from the three of us (my little brother and big sister and me) every single month telling us he couldn’t pay that bill. He was going broke every month but not paying the electricity or gas. I WAS GIVING HIM MONEY CONSTANTLY FOR IT. They were going without food even though I was giving them money all the time. I have no idea what he was using all the money for. I had to go see my dad Friday because he demanded money from me, saying he had no food and no gas for the car and no money. I brought him $40 even though I couldn’t really afford it. He told me my mom kicked him out, which no, he left and came back and so we got him a motel. that’s not kicking anyone out? But anyway he told me he went broke every month paying bills and that’s why he was leaving. BUT HE WASN’T PAYING THE BILLS. My mind was scrambled. I got home and found out he came by the house and demanded $40 out of my little brother right before I brought him money, so he told me he had none even though my little brother JUST GAVE HIM MONEY.

He isn’t coming back this time but everything sucks so bad. To think my dad has been intentionally lying and taking money from me so long… then says he’s leaving because he never has money… it’s horrible. I have no idea how to process ANY of this. My dad has some mental issues, that’s obvious to me, but could it really be to the point where he’s really this bad person and doesn’t remember being that way? I have no clue.

3.13.17

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I’m in this habit of rereading my previous post before I make a new one, just so I can remember where I was at the last time I updated. Evidently, I wasn’t in a good place last time.

Bear and I are just fine now. I did as I said I was going to and stopped taking everything so seriously and tried hard to be the more silly girl I was when we met. I visited him and saw him in person, and we talked more about things. My main issue at that point was I was scared to have him come back to my house because I didn’t trust him not to pick fights with my shitty little brother. I explained to him exactly what would happen if he did that — which would be my family disliking him and making me feel like I have a bad boyfriend and then him not really being able to be here again because of my family. They will always take my brother’s side, even though he is ALWAYS wrong. So if he were to stand up to my brother’s bullshit, all that would happen is everyone would dislike Bear and make me feel dumb for being with him. After this long conversation, he finally got it.

I think he didn’t understand at first because he doesn’t realize my family doesn’t function on logic. They focus primarily on loyalty WHICH ALWAYS GETS THEM HURT. They really do believe loyalty is the most important thing but sorry, I’m not going to be loyal to my little brother who lets my parents eat a piece of 3 day old birthday cake for dinner when he has the means to buy groceries and just refuses. Bear’s family is more rational and logical than mine and can be talked out of situations because they understand logic. Bear finally got it and I felt like a weight was lifted off me for sure. He knows now what will really happen if he gets himself that involved, and now I believe he won’t do that.

We opened up so much sexually during our last visit. I mean, we tried to have sex and it just didn’t work, hahah. Like that sounds ridiculous but he had this whole idea in his head that we were gonna do it as soon as I got to his house. The whole moment felt so tense and rushed and weird. We have never planned things like that in our relationship, we always wait for things to happen organically. It had a lot of potential to be awkward, as after a while we just stopped trying and we were just kind of sitting there. I let him know it was okay and I didn’t feel weird, like we’re both virgins and my vagina is the size of a spaghetti-o and he doesn’t know what he’s doing either, and we overplanned it. We got over the moment and talked it out and it was a positive thing. I let all my friends think we did it though. Like we’ve done almost everything except that and I just don’t want to be talked down to about it. I’m 22 years old, not 16, they don’t need to know everything. Bear and I still had an incredible time and I’m excited to see him again to do more of that.

I’m going camping with his family for Easter, but I hope I can see him before that. He is supposed to come back with me after camping so I am a little tempted to not see him before that so I don’t have to drive home alone one more time. But I miss him, and that’s still a month away… I don’t know.

I’m having a hard time with money lately because I  have to keep paying my parents’ damn bills. I love them SO incredibly much, but I paid like half their rent for Feb and now this month I had to pay almost $300 in a gas bill and I’m just so over it. I hope when I get paid this week I can get my stuff back on track. I’m trying so hard to pay my credit card off and they’re making it impossible.

I had a huge fight with Chrystine a couple of weeks ago. I could tell she was mad at me for weeks, all because I call B my best friend (rightfully so, she is my best friend) on social media, and because I don’t text C that often. It has been exhausting because B has been suicidal and then all my stuff with Bear has just had me so emotionally spent, and Chrystine is the most needy person I’ve ever met. She went behind my back and messaged Chick (ex best friend and roommate who hates my guts) to say she was “under my spell” and that she was sorry she wasn’t her friend because of me. She even told her how SELFISH I am. Like sorry I’m spending all my time talking B down from killing herself and paying all my parents’ bills. sorry that’s too selfish for you.

Chrystine and I got over it – it really came down to her needing way more from me than I really have the energy to give. She apologized 100 times, and I’ve made more of an effort to text her. Of course, this means I’ve had no energy for B and I’m just glad she has managed to be okay without me. I just don’t have the energy for two friends.

I want to go back to school pretty badly, and I want to save up money, and I want to lose weight and have a more active life. BUT I AM SO TIRED OF TRYING SO HARD FOR EVERYTHING. I just need to take a nap for a couple weeks.

 

1.22.17

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Bear and I had our yearly January fight. Every single January since we’ve been dating he picks a huge fight with me where we almost break up, and every single January all he can manage to say is it is all my fault. He went on and on for hours about how he works so hard for me, he does so much, and how I am so bad for his mental health and he has been agonizing for YEARS apparently about how bad I am for him and how horrible everything is. I just let him go on and on about it because what the hell ever, but really? He kept saying I try to change him because I ask him not to pick fights with my family and to try not to be an asshole when he talks to me. He thinks he’s suuuuuch a hero because he puts effort into our relationship.

He doesn’t recognize that that’s just what you do in a relationship. I constantly put effort in to care about things he is passionate about, to spend time doing things that make him feel loved because let’s face it, I am much easier to please than he is and he needs a lot more quality time than I do. I put constant effort in because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. I dote all over him. I don’t tell him most of the time when he hurts my feelings. I go above and beyond constantly and it always feels like it isn’t enough for him.

I never doubt our relationship until this big fights that he picks for no reason. He gets mean. I mean, he literally told me I am bad for his mental health. All I do is encourage him to talk himself through the panic and to speak up for himself. Honestly I am scared for our future because he can’t get a job because of his mental health and how would we EVER afford to live together like that? but I love him, and I’ve accepted that, so I don’t say anything. I ask him to think about how what he’s saying is hurtful to me and apparently that is me “trying to change him”. Sorry it’s such an effort to not hurt your girlfriend’s feelings all the time. Sorry it is sooo hard to care about how what you’re saying affects someone else.

I just get SO frustrated because it feels like he just says mean things until I am beaten down and just say “okay” over and over until he’s pleased. I am never right. He apparently never hurts my feelings, and any time I think he does, it’s just me overreacting. I apparently should not be his problem. He loves me and makes me feel so amazing some of the time but he doesn’t CARE that his words have effect on people, he thinks he should be able to say whatever he wants and everyone else should deal with it or fuck off.

He has helped me grow so much and I was so sure of our future and now it’s like, is this what I have to look forward to? Once a year being told I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve him and me crying and scrambling to make him happy again for a few months until he decides to rage at me again?

He has been the love of my life. I am scared that we won’t make it to forever. I am not going to break up with him right now but I just can’t get over this all. He makes me feel like such shit sometimes and I can’t ever say that because he will just guilt me and tell me I’m over reacting. He isn’t good at saying sorry because he doesn’t feel he should have to.

In the beginning of our relationship he cared so much more whether he hurt my feelings. He was always saying sweet things and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. It’s like we have a wall up since then. I am going to genuinely try this out and try to not be so sensitive because I do admit that because we are so close I don’t feel bad telling him when he’s hurt me but maybe that comfort has caused me to be too sensitive and therefore cause this issue.

I’m going to just chill out. Be more loving and just assume anything he says is joking. I’ve obviously gotten too comfortable in our relationship.

He just called me and ignored it. I don’t WANT to talk to him. We have talked since we fought because at first I was just so grateful he didn’t break up with me, but I’m just this dull angry now. I’m not sure I will call him back or say goodnight to him tonight. I may just watch some more gossip girl and then go to bed. I know I need to be affectionate and loving but I don’t have it in me right now and I almost WANT to hurt his feelings.

1.7.17

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I’m not mad at Bear anymore, and also, he told me tonight that he wants us to have sex for the first time next time we see each other. We have been together for 2.5 years and we’re finally going to be together in one of the most intimate ways ever. As a reminder, we are both virgins and we are so deeply in love as it is that I feel like this is really a huge thing.

but also.. before the sex conversation tonight I was really embarrassing. Like I still feel like crying when I look at it.

embarrassed1embarrassed2embarrassed3embarrassed4

 

OK Seriously, how awkward is that conversation? Like.. I feel like he could have been nicer and understood it was an awkward thing since we have never talked about marriage.I could have brought it up better FOR SURE but I sent a sweet text, and that’s supposed to fix it. Ugh, I couldn’t even think straight after that. Why am I so awkward?

1.2.17

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I can’t believe it’s already the new year!! Everyone is saying 2016 was bad but I honestly don’t have any particularly negative or positive feelings toward the year as a whole. This scares me a little – did I not grow enough to feel something about it?

All I feel is excitement at the beginning of a new year. I lost 30 pounds at the end of 2016 and I really wanna lose another 40. I’m going back to the low carb lifestyle after letting myself get off track and I’m really excited about it.

I originally wanted to type this because my best friend since 6th grade got mad at me for telling me it wouldn’t be smart to have a baby right now. I don”t want to give her personal details out but there is literally no place in her relationship, mental health, or financial stability for a baby. I feel like as a friend, I should be giving her those reality checks from time to time. That’s what friends do. I’m sorry but I’d be an enabler if I just didn’t say anything! She told me I was rude, she hurt my feelings. I was just trying to care about her but apparently that’s mean.

I then vented to Bear about this and he told me I was being unreasonable and I shouldn’t tell people how to live their lives. I JUST WANTED HIM TO TELL ME I WAS BEING A GOOD FRIEND. But apparently I’m a giant asshole who shouldn’t make my people think about things before they do them. He hurt my feelings so bad but not even trying to make me feel better about my hurt feelings. He decided to hurt mine worse. I didn’t answer his text because I didn’t want to fight with him about this because I know he’ll just tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’ll end up apologizing. We’ll get over it, but I’m mad. Happy new year. *eye roll*

 

12.10.16

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Bear left a week ago and ever since he did, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. If we stay together, we will not have kids. I won’t be a mom. When I first started thinking about this, I was really scared and panicked. I’ve always imagined myself being a wife and a mom, never really thought to imagine things a different way. I realized I’ve been holding onto some hope that Bear will change his mind when the time is right. But I don’t think that’s right, either. I don’t want to be okay with our relationship just because I have hope he will change his mind. No, for things to be really okay, I have to accept that if this is the path I take, with my soulmate, there will not be children involved.

I really didn’t like this at first. Even tried to see how I would feel if we broke up by trying to imagine it clearly. It would be horrible. I don’t want to know a day where he’s not in my life as my partner. It comes down to this choice of a life with my soulmate without kids, or the possibility of kids but no soulmate.

I’ve always tried to look at this relationship as a “now” thing, and not make decisions about it based on what the future COULD hold for us. I was scared when we first started dating – we live kind of far apart, he doesn’t drive or work, I get scared driving that far.. we didn’t seem like a match. He didn’t like talking about the future with any hints of certainty and at 19 when we met that’s all I knew how to do. I was honestly scared. But even when we first started talking I knew I liked him enough to not focus on what could happen with us. If I am happy right NOW that’s what matters. I think it’s silly to break up just at the thought of something MAYBE not working in 8 years, like why end it if you’re currently happy.

That all being said, this won’t be a conversation between Bear and I until I am at a point that I really do want kids. If it does come to that point and he can’t say he also wants them, we make a decision about our relationship then. I just refuse to put a strain on us when I wouldn’t even want kids until I owned a house and had a stable career + money in savings. I hate how weird he gets about this topic and I do wish we could just have a conversation about it but he swerves around the topic any time it’s brought up. It’s super annoying but I do know that it’s not fair to keep bringing this up when we are no where near that stage in our relationship as it is.

On a positive note, I think Bear and I are getting close to taking that next step in our relationship.  I have been on my birth control for 2 months now and things have been stable and we got close a few times. I am so ready for it. I wouldn’t want this to happen with anyone else. Even if there was a 100% chance Bear and I would break up and I knew that, I would still want him to be my first. It’s really special to me and he’s perfect.

I’ve been so down since he left a week ago. I just want to sleep 24/7. Come back, Bear.