1.2.18

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Is anyone else shocked that I’m making so many posts lately??

It’s a new year! I love the start of new years. It didn’t feel as special this year, only because Bear’s birthday is the first and I was feeling weird about that. I had already paid for a trip for us that would have taken place next weekend before we broke up, and so I just kinda got caught in thinking about all that.

It’s the little things that sometimes get me and still make me sad. I probably won’t be buying anyone a valentine’s gift… i didn’t text him happy birthday because I didn’t want to hurt him on his birthday but also because I think he blocked me!

No lie, he texted me a few days ago, telling me he thinks I made a mistake and that I took out other stresses on him, and didn’t give him a chance to be what I needed, and that he was trying so hard, and that he gave me so much… It’s hard to hear that stuff, because that sometimes goes through my head – what if that was the love of my life and I ended it for a bad reason? but then again, I think he knew had to manipulate me into not trusting my own feelings and and I think maybe that’s what he was doing there again. it sounded like he wanted to get back together, but, like Bear does, he approached it in a way that was aggressive and mean. I know we needed to break up, but I feel weird about the interaction because we were in the middle of texting and the last message never delivered. So i’m pretty sure he blocked me. Why else would it send and not deliver?

Someone – we’ll call him TP – that I used to go to church with and work with has recently been in contact with me. He wanted to hang out when he was visiting a city in my state, but he didn’t realize he’d be 8 hours away so that didn’t work. Right after he messaged me, he tweeted about how “sliding in the DMs” didn’t work right, presumably because we couldn’t actually hang out. That made me think he may have a crush on me.

TP lives 2.5 hours away, not far from where Bear lives. The difference is that TP drives. He wants to come see me in my city soon, and I think that would be cool. We’ve been texting for the last few days straight, and he seems like a really sweet guy. He just got a job like 5 hours away from here, though, so I doubt anything romantic will come from this. BUT, you know what? TP can be my friend. I need a friend. He needs a friend. and we get along really well, and it’s fun to get to know someone new, and well, he’s always really sweet to me. If he’s the one for me something will happen eventually, but I’m still lowkey holding onto C. I really really just wanna date C.

So, another cool thing: Chick and I have reconnected. We have a long history, but the short version is: We were best friends from 7th grade to 2015 when we lived together and she did and said some shitty things and didn’t pay the bills and lied to me a million times. I think it comes down to both of us were trying to grow up and also trying to stay attached at the hip and it didn’t work. But I messaged her early in December and apologized for how things went down and now we’ve been texting. And we have plans to hang out on Sunday so I’m really hoping that all goes well.

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