12.28.17

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This has really been the longest month of my life.

I still feel good about ending the relationship with Bear. I know it was the right choice. I am so easy to please, so low maintenance, so chill, so calm, I know that some guy will appreciate that and I can be happy. Bear was just never going to be that guy for me. I know a lot of people tend to get down on themselves after they break up or end a relationship but I truly don’t have that issue. I KNOW I’m a catch. I do a lot for people I love, I don’t text obsessively nor do I panic over nothing, I’m good with just hanging out.

The things I do need to work on is just not falling too fast, not letting myself ignore a dude’s faults, and not trying to change a guy. It’s only ever in good ways, like encouraging them to eat healthier or communicate their feelings etc, but truth is I don’t want to parent my partner and that’s the relationship I end up creating when I act that way. I don’t want that.

Bear got pretty mean over his social media after we broke up. Saying things like he didn’t miss me as a person, just my companionship. Getting angry about things I’d posted (which was literally just things like “I deserve to be happy” lol), and just saying things like I “limited his creativity” “dulled his self expression” like NO I didn’t. I never made him do anything except communicate with me and tell him not to be a dick.

Bear texted me for the first time since we broke up earlier this week, in the middle of the night, saying “thanks for all the good times you were able to give me <3” which was a weird text to send but I replied and thanked him for being my best friend. Later that day he messaged me saying that he thought he had deleted all our pictures but when he synced to his mac today they all came up and that I “keep popping up somewhere lol”. This seemed conversational enough so I replied that the same thing had happened to me with him and it was hard to get rid of 3.5 years. Later in the day he said he has been “really missing” me, but I could tell he meant he was just missing my body. I was right, because later he asked me to send nudes.

I felt a little conflicted for a minute because I kinda feel like he doesn’t deserve my body… but he’s the only one who has ever seen it, I know he’d never share them publicly, and it’s keeping a relationship with us at least so I went ahead and did it. He hasn’t texted me since which is annoying but I don’t really feel anything about it. It will eventually have to stop and that will be that but I was worried it’d make me feel hope for a relationship or whatever but it doesn’t because I know we’ll never be back together. So we’re doing that, which I guess is a friends with benefits situation, or would be if he lived closer. But I don’t feel bad about it so that’s fine.

C and I still haven’t talked at all or even seen each other but I heard him talk the other day and it made my stomach flip so yep, definitely have a crush. I want to go on Tinder or something and just get that attention but I also want to explore this thing with C. Him and my big brother should be moving in with my mom at the end of January so I know by then I’ll have more attention, or at least some indication of if things are going anywhere. He’s so cute, sweet, funny, and I’m really into him so I can wait. It’s probably better to let things happen slow so C and I can have a fair start, if anything ever starts.

So I guess I will not start a tinder, because a part of me is afraid maybe I’ll start liking someone before I can let things move forward with C. He hasn’t spoken to me but is close with my older sister, and he recently messaged her kinda panicking that I’d broken up with Bear right after I found out C liked me, and panicking about how appropriate it would be for him to move in next door with my mom, and panicking about hurting me and having the whole family hate him, and then panicking that how slow he moves would hurt me. He wants things to happen organically like they would if he hadn’t told anyone he liked me, and that sounds good in theory but I’m impatient. I really have liked him for so long, and he already gets along with my family, and things would be easy with him. So I really want to explore this possible relationship with him, but I do wish things would progress a little. I got him a small christmas gift, but my brother brought it home to him and he never said anything to me so I feel a bit weird about that.

BUTTERFLY HAD HER BABY YESTERDAY!! A little girl! I will still call her baby bean here, but her name is so beautiful and she is SO stinking cute. Butterfly text me at 11:16pm, on the 26th, saying her contractions hurt too bad and she needed to go to the hospital. I came by and grabbed baby W, dropped him off with my mom, and then met her at the hospital.  She gave birth at 3:09AM on the 27th. I got so many beautiful pictures (I just bought my self a Canon Rebel T6 this month) and I am so in love with her. I hope she will love me like her big brother does.

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12.13.17

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Bear and I broke up.

It happened last Wednesday, and I’d known pretty much since the last post I made that it needed to happen. But I tried. Really hard. And I think he tried in his own way, too. But we’re just too different.

There was so many little things that made it not work. He didn’t like having to think about my feelings after I’d hurt his. He felt it was okay to be mean if I hurt his feelings. He just didn’t really think about me. At night when he’d want to stay up late he would leave the light on… even though I was the one with a full time job and going to college full time… and he had a living room he could stay up in. He was so mean to the cats, he lost his temper so quick over everything. He even said to me “You can do the same thing to me 100 times and get 100 different reactions.” So he obviously understood how temperamental and unpredictable he was, he knew I didn’t like it, he made no effort to change it. He said I was “dulling his self-expression and creativity” by making him “analyze” aka EXPLAIN his moods. He communicates like an alien. I mean it was like being in a relationship with someone who grew up alone on an island and had no language skills or any clue how to read body language/facial expressions. After 3.5 years he still didn’t know what gifts to buy me. He never gave me validation because he said I shouldn’t need it. He wouldn’t acknowledge me when I walked into our room to talk unexpectedly because I didn’t text him first and it was too overwhelming for “everything to change all at once”. He posted online yesterday that he doesn’t miss me as a person, just my companionship. How can you be with someone for 3.5 years and not miss who they are as a person 3 days later?

I’m going to be really blunt here. It’s going to sound mean. that’s okay.

He literally did nothing. He didn’t work. He is 26 years old, less than a month from being 27, and didn’t work. Didn’t drive. He sat at home all day on his computer and then demanded 1-1 time with me while expecting me to make dinner (he “tried” to help but often ended up snapping at me and being annoying because he was “overwhelmed”). And this is after a full day at work and while I’m going to school full time as well. I supported him financially. He wouldn’t spend time with me + my family or friends because he felt “uncomfortable”. Or he’d do it but he’d be in a bad mood the whole time, or he’d do it and then be angry with me when we were alone. SO I always had to choose him or my family? him or my friends? His mom would send him money for us to do have dates, but that always felt so weird to me. I did so much for him and he doesn’t “miss me as a person”? What kind of shit is that?

When we broke up it was all civil and we haven’t talked since he left. We cried for two days at my house and talked so much. It felt really hard at first. But it’s been a week today and I feel that it was the best choice. and I feel ready to move on. Since he posted some shitty things online after the breakup it just validated that it needed to happen. There was no communicating with him… there was just no being with him happily.

I’m already crushing somewhere else. I don’t know what nickname to give here yet but I’ll just write about him. He’s my older brother’s best friend – 29 years old (I just turned 23). I’ve known him since I was like 12 and have always had a crush on him. He’s quiet. When he talks to me he makes eye contact and he smiles with his eyes. He’s so freaking attractive. He’s respectful. He HAS A JOB AND A CAR AND A LIFE. He loves kids and cats. He told my family over thanksgiving that he likes me, apparently gushed about liking the way I dress and the way I carry myself and even got excited about me taking my hair down when we were playing with the puppy together a couple weeks ago. Before my sister told me about this I’d actually been thinking about if it was something that could ever work, and I felt the vibe from him when we were playing with the puppy. I know it seems soon but I’m ready to be happy.

In other news, school ends this week! I will have all 4 A’s and 1 B. I think that’s pretty good when I work full time as well.

My dad got kicked out a couple of weeks ago, so it’s been hard dealing with that again. He’s back East now.

Butterfly is due with her second baby in just a few weeks here and I have like a week and a half off work right when she’s due so I’ll probably get to be there for the birth. I am so excited!!!!