This has really been the longest month of my life.
I still feel good about ending the relationship with Bear. I know it was the right choice. I am so easy to please, so low maintenance, so chill, so calm, I know that some guy will appreciate that and I can be happy. Bear was just never going to be that guy for me. I know a lot of people tend to get down on themselves after they break up or end a relationship but I truly don’t have that issue. I KNOW I’m a catch. I do a lot for people I love, I don’t text obsessively nor do I panic over nothing, I’m good with just hanging out.
The things I do need to work on is just not falling too fast, not letting myself ignore a dude’s faults, and not trying to change a guy. It’s only ever in good ways, like encouraging them to eat healthier or communicate their feelings etc, but truth is I don’t want to parent my partner and that’s the relationship I end up creating when I act that way. I don’t want that.
Bear got pretty mean over his social media after we broke up. Saying things like he didn’t miss me as a person, just my companionship. Getting angry about things I’d posted (which was literally just things like “I deserve to be happy” lol), and just saying things like I “limited his creativity” “dulled his self expression” like NO I didn’t. I never made him do anything except communicate with me and tell him not to be a dick.
Bear texted me for the first time since we broke up earlier this week, in the middle of the night, saying “thanks for all the good times you were able to give me <3” which was a weird text to send but I replied and thanked him for being my best friend. Later that day he messaged me saying that he thought he had deleted all our pictures but when he synced to his mac today they all came up and that I “keep popping up somewhere lol”. This seemed conversational enough so I replied that the same thing had happened to me with him and it was hard to get rid of 3.5 years. Later in the day he said he has been “really missing” me, but I could tell he meant he was just missing my body. I was right, because later he asked me to send nudes.
I felt a little conflicted for a minute because I kinda feel like he doesn’t deserve my body… but he’s the only one who has ever seen it, I know he’d never share them publicly, and it’s keeping a relationship with us at least so I went ahead and did it. He hasn’t texted me since which is annoying but I don’t really feel anything about it. It will eventually have to stop and that will be that but I was worried it’d make me feel hope for a relationship or whatever but it doesn’t because I know we’ll never be back together. So we’re doing that, which I guess is a friends with benefits situation, or would be if he lived closer. But I don’t feel bad about it so that’s fine.
C and I still haven’t talked at all or even seen each other but I heard him talk the other day and it made my stomach flip so yep, definitely have a crush. I want to go on Tinder or something and just get that attention but I also want to explore this thing with C. Him and my big brother should be moving in with my mom at the end of January so I know by then I’ll have more attention, or at least some indication of if things are going anywhere. He’s so cute, sweet, funny, and I’m really into him so I can wait. It’s probably better to let things happen slow so C and I can have a fair start, if anything ever starts.
So I guess I will not start a tinder, because a part of me is afraid maybe I’ll start liking someone before I can let things move forward with C. He hasn’t spoken to me but is close with my older sister, and he recently messaged her kinda panicking that I’d broken up with Bear right after I found out C liked me, and panicking about how appropriate it would be for him to move in next door with my mom, and panicking about hurting me and having the whole family hate him, and then panicking that how slow he moves would hurt me. He wants things to happen organically like they would if he hadn’t told anyone he liked me, and that sounds good in theory but I’m impatient. I really have liked him for so long, and he already gets along with my family, and things would be easy with him. So I really want to explore this possible relationship with him, but I do wish things would progress a little. I got him a small christmas gift, but my brother brought it home to him and he never said anything to me so I feel a bit weird about that.
BUTTERFLY HAD HER BABY YESTERDAY!! A little girl! I will still call her baby bean here, but her name is so beautiful and she is SO stinking cute. Butterfly text me at 11:16pm, on the 26th, saying her contractions hurt too bad and she needed to go to the hospital. I came by and grabbed baby W, dropped him off with my mom, and then met her at the hospital. She gave birth at 3:09AM on the 27th. I got so many beautiful pictures (I just bought my self a Canon Rebel T6 this month) and I am so in love with her. I hope she will love me like her big brother does.