9.3.17

Standard

I’ve wanted to update for a few weeks but I’ve not been able to find the time! School started last week. They are a lot of work and I’m having to work on it 2-4 hours every day but I’m not behind in any class and I haven’t felt in over my head yet. I’ve still had some good quality time with Bear. I spent 4 hours today reading 40 pages for my Substance Abuse Education class, fully focused, because I just had to take so many notes. It’s insane but I love it. I love having to manage my time and the feeling of productivity that I get after working on an assignment.

I’ve been with Bear in his home-town for the last few days and it’s been nice. I’ve doneĀ a lot of homework and we’ve eaten a lot of junk food. What’s funny is we’ve been sleeping separately this entire time — and I’ve enjoyed it! I love having Bear with me but he’s been here so long that I sometimes miss having my own space and not having to answer to anyone if I want to be alone. Sleeping alone the last few nights has been comfortable and I’ve gotten good sleep, and so has he.

Custody stuff with baby W has been messy. Butterfly hates my brother and thinks he has never been baby W’s dad (even though he literally is) and she is definitely going to fight custody when they divorce. It’s hard because she’s my best friend and I hate that she’s acting that way. Baby W needs time with his dad and his dad’s family and I’ve genuinely loved getting to see him away from Butterfly because I don’t feel I have to dampen down my affection or the way I take care of him. I ask her before I do things with him to give her the illusion that I trust her instincts and all that but I really don’t and I know 100% that I know baby W better and take care of him better. That’s shitty but she’s young and inexperienced and not in a good place in her life. She is 23 weeks pregnant with baby bean, her current boyfriend is literally so irresponsible (and is apparently on parole for being accused of rape…), she is living in her dad’s living room, she isn’t working and her bf is not good with money, etc. I love her so much and I want what’s best for her but I have a hard time helping her because of the pit she got herself into.

I love taking care of baby W. Loving him makes me a better person. I love watching him learn, I love bringing him with me and showing me off, and sometimes I wish I was his mom and I could just bring him up the way I want to. That’s wrong of me, whatever, I’m allowed to say all my bad thoughts/feeling her in my anonymous blog.

So basically my time is spent between work, school, Bear, and baby W. I’m pretty happy. I have all those stupid health issues going on but I’m just focusing on eating better and exercising more (IF I CAN FIND TIME??) and having a positive outlook on things. I haven’t had a gallbladder flare up since I went to the ER, and my doctor told me my thyroid IS elevated but she won’t change the med unless it’s elevated again in 3 months when she checks it because she doesn’t want to overdose me. I get it, but it’s annoying.

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