7.28.17

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I spent my entire day from 10 am to 7pm in extreme abdominal pain and then in the ER for it. Every once in a while I get these horrific stomach aches that start on my right side and slowly build until my entire back and stomach hurt so bad that I can hardly breathe. It feels like there’s a balloon expanding so big under my ribs, I  can’t get comfortable. I get so nauseas and the pain is literally 12 out of 10 horrible. I have had two ‘attacks’ in 2 weeks so I went to the ER today because I was scared maybe something serious was happening.

Basically they took my blood (which is usually so easy but today the dr poked around with the needle in my arm for literally 5 minutes and I bled everywhere), got an ultrasound, and did a urine test. I do have gallstones and I will need to get my gallbladder removed. I am scared about it, but also, this pain is literally so horrible I would do almost anything to never feel it again. If it means surgery and a different diet for the rest of my life, then fine. I just know this pain isn’t something I can let keep taking over my days like this.

My family stuff has been whatever. I don’t really talk to my dad nor do I go see them. Butterfly is still living with her dad so I guess she is just staying there? Who knows.

Chrystine is actually coming to see me next week! I’m really excited to spend some time with her as it’s been over a year since I’ve seen her. I hope my gallbladder pain stops enough for me to enjoy her visit.

I’m so tired from all the pain meds and spending my day at the hospital. I was determined to stay up late today because it’s my weekend and my whole day was spent in the hospital which in my opinion is a shitty weekend.

I’m really excited for school to start up in like 5 weeks. I keep toying with the idea of getting a second job just to save money but I realize I applied for school thinking I’d have my 3 day weekends and evenings to do homework. I need to see how I adjust to school and work together before I try to get another job.

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7.8.17

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SO, my dad is back. AGAIN. This is the last thing I ever thought would happen, but here we are. He got back into town late on July 4th. When my mom told us all he was coming back over the weekend obviously everyone was livid, except my little brother, who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself so he doesn’t care. My mom was actually legitimately angry and hurt that we (my older sister, older brother, and me mostly) thought she was being dumb in bringing him back. Things between us and mom just aren’t okay.

I had put in my last post that mom was talking to dad a lot, and I was worried about it, and I obviously had reason to be worried. She kept telling me he wasn’t coming back, but I didn’t believe her, and look where we are. I can’t believe all the shit she said before about how much happier she was with him gone, how much more free and healthy, meant nothing. He always takes all the money and leaves, and as soon as my siblings and I put our money into my mom’s house to fix things for her, he comes back, and she just keeps letting him come back. HE HAS LEFT THREE TIMES. How is there no limit? How can you not value yourself so much that you’d let someone so abusive back in over and over? The horrible things he said to me about mom, apparently he didn’t mean. My parents are both liars. They are immature. They should be the fucking parents here, leaving the kids uninvolved in their relationship, and making choices based on logic and reasoning instead of being lonely and having a tough time and emotions. I get everyone’s a human but they chose to have all of us kids and they are just incredibly selfish parents. A big reason I don’t want kids is because I’ve really seen how even people who live their whole lives waiting to be parents can’t manage to be good ones.

Everything is weird with him here. I don’t go next door. Butterfly has been staying at her dad’s house with her boyfriend and baby W. She’s 14 weeks pregnant now and can’t take the stress of that household anymore. My little brother’s girlfriend is pregnant, like 5 weeks or so, and her last pregnancy was extremely high risk so there’s all that, too. My mom is angry with me because when she asked me why my older sister was upset I told her I didn’t know because I’ve purposely stayed out of the drama. SHE IS LITERALLY ANGRY THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN DRAMA. I’m seriously so done. I’m saving up  money to make a move to live with my boyfriend in his hometown about 3 hours away.

On a better note, I’ve gotten so much financial aid that I went ahead and bought my laptop and new clothes on my credit card because I know for sure I’m going to be able to pay it off. I will even be able to save hopefully a grand of that financial aid money. We’ll see, but I’m excited.

Bear and I have been really good. We just celebrated our third anniversary, which is insane to me. I can’t believe we’ve been together for three whole years already.