5.12.17

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My life is constant chaos. There is rarely ever any sign of peace or comfort.

Since my dad left, my little brother had been stepping up to pay bills for my mom. She can’t work because she’s sick and she only makes enough money for the rent and some groceries with her government aid, so when my dad left, we all kind of panicked. There was still the gas, water, trash, electric, and internet bills to pay. But little brother said he would take care of it and he did, for a while. He got all the bills caught up and spent more than a thousand dollars doing so.

The other day, his girlfriend, Kay, lost her shit. She got into a fight with my brother in the house which included lots of screaming, crying, and punching holes through walls. My little brother told her to leave multiple times and she wouldn’t. Things calmed down the next day but my mom was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the level of violence that happened, especially because Baby W lives there. She sat down with Kay when they were having coffee and said, calmly “We can’t have that kind of fighting in the house again,” and Kay went berserk. Screamed at mom, lunged at her, etc. Left the house saying she was never coming back.

Now, Kay has been weird for the last couple of weeks. Things like getting mad when my brother would spend time with his baby (baby W) but not her 2 year old. Telling him he isn’t allowed to drink, going through his phone, policing his money. So we all kind of knew she was bad news and I have been done with her attitude for weeks.

But after this fight with my mom, she went to my brother, said my mom chased her out of the house screaming at her, and that night my brother decided he was moving out immediately. Did exactly what Dad did – took off with no warning and with all the money. My family speculates that it’s just Kay lying to him and turning him against the family but if you ask me, brother would have done this anyway. He has always been selfish and self-centered and only ever cares about people or things as long as they are constantly benefitting him. He broke up with my sister in law (we’ll call her Butterfly since she won’t technically be my sister in law anymore soon) because she stopped having sex with him.

I am more angry at him and Kay than I ever thought I could be. How can someone be so manipulative and evil like Kay is? She has obviously encouraged this situation to happen. How can my little brother be such a little shit? How can someone turn on their entire family for someone they’ve been dating for 6 months? His plan is to live in a MOTEL for a month because Kay has somehow convinced him he will save money that way. Keep in mind he is 18, she is like.. 21? and this is his first job as an adult. He is making a lot of money and has no clue how to handle it. Kay constantly talks about how good she is with money but I really suspect that she just wants to use him for his money. And whatever, you know? I have disliked my brother for years and this is just the final straw. He is supposed to get his things from my mom’s place by Sunday and then I’m blocking his dumbass on Facebook and blocking his phone number. I absolutely want nothing to do with him ever again.

I have Mother’s Day planned out so well. I got Butterfly, Mom, and my older sister some individual gifts plus I have planned with my big brother to bring them all over to his house for coffee and brunch on Sunday and they have no clue where I’m taking them. I believe that day will at least be good.

Bear has been here for a few weeks now and things have been mostly good. I started getting my anxious-trapped feeling that I have gotten in previous relationships when they needed to end and that freaked me out to the extreme. I knew I needed to figure out why I was getting that feeling and do what I could do fix it, and I think I did. I think a lot of it was my anxiety from my home situation, but also some of it was just the way Bear talks to me. He snaps often, he has a temper, and I never know what’s going to make him angry. Anger scares me. Anger from men my whole life has meant screaming and throwing things and leaving and saying very hurtful things, and Bear is included in this. When he gets angry he says mean things and he gets loud and he usually leaves the room I am in. I feel like he gets angry out of nowhere. When I’m mad at him I think so hard about what I say to him and never say things like “I can’t stand you” even when I feel it. Because that hurts feelings and it’s not a forever feeling, it’s usually just because I feel mad that I feel that way. But he doesn’t think first and just says whatever he can to hurt my feelings when he’s angry at me. Even when he isn’t angry, he will randomly say mean things.

For example, I came home from work and told him I was going to start a load of laundry. He says “Good luck with that. They’re doing laundry.” His tone was rude and even just what he said was so unnecessary. How hard is it to just say “I’m pretty sure your sister is doing laundry so you may not be able to do that tonight.” He just doesn’t comprehend that you can’t be an asshole all the time. This has always been an issue with us. He talks so harshly, and though I have tried to not let it get to me, it does anyway. I talked to him about this and we basically concluded that I just need to give him what he gives me. I need to tell him, “Don’t talk to me like that.” when he snaps at me for no reason (if I even think about snapping at him he says that to me). I need to snap back when he yells at me for no reason.

This is a big deal to me. I can’t feel comfortable if someone is going to be mean to me, even with just their words, constantly. He is nice in every other way – he does things for me without me asking, he thinks of me, etc. but his words sometimes are so harsh and I can’t spend my life with someone who has a quick and unpredictable temper like his. I have grown up with it and I just can’t marry it, too. I hope it doesn’t get to that kind of situation because I do feel we can be perfect for each other. I’ve just been feeling so anxious realizing that I can’t be with him if he doesn’t get better.

On a different note, I want to go back to school. I think I will be able to in the fall if I get on top of it and figure out what I’m doing soon. I hope so, because I just need to go back to school.

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