3.13.17

Standard

I’m in this habit of rereading my previous post before I make a new one, just so I can remember where I was at the last time I updated. Evidently, I wasn’t in a good place last time.

Bear and I are just fine now. I did as I said I was going to and stopped taking everything so seriously and tried hard to be the more silly girl I was when we met. I visited him and saw him in person, and we talked more about things. My main issue at that point was I was scared to have him come back to my house because I didn’t trust him not to pick fights with my shitty little brother. I explained to him exactly what would happen if he did that — which would be my family disliking him and making me feel like I have a bad boyfriend and then him not really being able to be here again because of my family. They will always take my brother’s side, even though he is ALWAYS wrong. So if he were to stand up to my brother’s bullshit, all that would happen is everyone would dislike Bear and make me feel dumb for being with him. After this long conversation, he finally got it.

I think he didn’t understand at first because he doesn’t realize my family doesn’t function on logic. They focus primarily on loyalty WHICH ALWAYS GETS THEM HURT. They really do believe loyalty is the most important thing but sorry, I’m not going to be loyal to my little brother who lets my parents eat a piece of 3 day old birthday cake for dinner when he has the means to buy groceries and just refuses. Bear’s family is more rational and logical than mine and can be talked out of situations because they understand logic. Bear finally got it and I felt like a weight was lifted off me for sure. He knows now what will really happen if he gets himself that involved, and now I believe he won’t do that.

We opened up so much sexually during our last visit. I mean, we tried to have sex and it just didn’t work, hahah. Like that sounds ridiculous but he had this whole idea in his head that we were gonna do it as soon as I got to his house. The whole moment felt so tense and rushed and weird. We have never planned things like that in our relationship, we always wait for things to happen organically. It had a lot of potential to be awkward, as after a while we just stopped trying and we were just kind of sitting there. I let him know it was okay and I didn’t feel weird, like we’re both virgins and my vagina is the size of a spaghetti-o and he doesn’t know what he’s doing either, and we overplanned it. We got over the moment and talked it out and it was a positive thing. I let all my friends think we did it though. Like we’ve done almost everything except that and I just don’t want to be talked down to about it. I’m 22 years old, not 16, they don’t need to know everything. Bear and I still had an incredible time and I’m excited to see him again to do more of that.

I’m going camping with his family for Easter, but I hope I can see him before that. He is supposed to come back with me after camping so I am a little tempted to not see him before that so I don’t have to drive home alone one more time. But I miss him, and that’s still a month away… I don’t know.

I’m having a hard time with money lately because I ┬áhave to keep paying my parents’ damn bills. I love them SO incredibly much, but I paid like half their rent for Feb and now this month I had to pay almost $300 in a gas bill and I’m just so over it. I hope when I get paid this week I can get my stuff back on track. I’m trying so hard to pay my credit card off and they’re making it impossible.

I had a huge fight with Chrystine a couple of weeks ago. I could tell she was mad at me for weeks, all because I call B my best friend (rightfully so, she is my best friend) on social media, and because I don’t text C that often. It has been exhausting because B has been suicidal and then all my stuff with Bear has just had me so emotionally spent, and Chrystine is the most needy person I’ve ever met. She went behind my back and messaged Chick (ex best friend and roommate who hates my guts) to say she was “under my spell” and that she was sorry she wasn’t her friend because of me. She even told her how SELFISH I am. Like sorry I’m spending all my time talking B down from killing herself and paying all my parents’ bills. sorry that’s too selfish for you.

Chrystine and I got over it – it really came down to her needing way more from me than I really have the energy to give. She apologized 100 times, and I’ve made more of an effort to text her. Of course, this means I’ve had no energy for B and I’m just glad she has managed to be okay without me. I just don’t have the energy for two friends.

I want to go back to school pretty badly, and I want to save up money, and I want to lose weight and have a more active life. BUT I AM SO TIRED OF TRYING SO HARD FOR EVERYTHING. I just need to take a nap for a couple weeks.