1.22.17

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Bear and I had our yearly January fight. Every single January since we’ve been dating he picks a huge fight with me where we almost break up, and every single January all he can manage to say is it is all my fault. He went on and on for hours about how he works so hard for me, he does so much, and how I am so bad for his mental health and he has been agonizing for YEARS apparently about how bad I am for him and how horrible everything is. I just let him go on and on about it because what the hell ever, but really? He kept saying I try to change him because I ask him not to pick fights with my family and to try not to be an asshole when he talks to me. He thinks he’s suuuuuch a hero because he puts effort into our relationship.

He doesn’t recognize that that’s just what you do in a relationship. I constantly put effort in to care about things he is passionate about, to spend time doing things that make him feel loved because let’s face it, I am much easier to please than he is and he needs a lot more quality time than I do. I put constant effort in because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. I dote all over him. I don’t tell him most of the time when he hurts my feelings. I go above and beyond constantly and it always feels like it isn’t enough for him.

I never doubt our relationship until this big fights that he picks for no reason. He gets mean. I mean, he literally told me I am bad for his mental health. All I do is encourage him to talk himself through the panic and to speak up for himself. Honestly I am scared for our future because he can’t get a job because of his mental health and how would we EVER afford to live together like that? but I love him, and I’ve accepted that, so I don’t say anything. I ask him to think about how what he’s saying is hurtful to me and apparently that is me “trying to change him”. Sorry it’s such an effort to not hurt your girlfriend’s feelings all the time. Sorry it is sooo hard to care about how what you’re saying affects someone else.

I just get SO frustrated because it feels like he just says mean things until I am beaten down and just say “okay” over and over until he’s pleased. I am never right. He apparently never hurts my feelings, and any time I think he does, it’s just me overreacting. I apparently should not be his problem. He loves me and makes me feel so amazing some of the time but he doesn’t CARE that his words have effect on people, he thinks he should be able to say whatever he wants and everyone else should deal with it or fuck off.

He has helped me grow so much and I was so sure of our future and now it’s like, is this what I have to look forward to? Once a year being told I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve him and me crying and scrambling to make him happy again for a few months until he decides to rage at me again?

He has been the love of my life. I am scared that we won’t make it to forever. I am not going to break up with him right now but I just can’t get over this all. He makes me feel like such shit sometimes and I can’t ever say that because he will just guilt me and tell me I’m over reacting. He isn’t good at saying sorry because he doesn’t feel he should have to.

In the beginning of our relationship he cared so much more whether he hurt my feelings. He was always saying sweet things and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. It’s like we have a wall up since then. I am going to genuinely try this out and try to not be so sensitive because I do admit that because we are so close I don’t feel bad telling him when he’s hurt me but maybe that comfort has caused me to be too sensitive and therefore cause this issue.

I’m going to just chill out. Be more loving and just assume anything he says is joking. I’ve obviously gotten too comfortable in our relationship.

He just called me and ignored it. I don’t WANT to talk to him. We have talked since we fought because at first I was just so grateful he didn’t break up with me, but I’m just this dull angry now. I’m not sure I will call him back or say goodnight to him tonight. I may just watch some more gossip girl and then go to bed. I know I need to be affectionate and loving but I don’t have it in me right now and I almost WANT to hurt his feelings.

1.7.17

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I’m not mad at Bear anymore, and also, he told me tonight that he wants us to have sex for the first time next time we see each other. We have been together for 2.5 years and we’re finally going to be together in one of the most intimate ways ever. As a reminder, we are both virgins and we are so deeply in love as it is that I feel like this is really a huge thing.

but also.. before the sex conversation tonight I was really embarrassing. Like I still feel like crying when I look at it.

embarrassed1embarrassed2embarrassed3embarrassed4

 

OK Seriously, how awkward is that conversation? Like.. I feel like he could have been nicer and understood it was an awkward thing since we have never talked about marriage.I could have brought it up better FOR SURE but I sent a sweet text, and that’s supposed to fix it. Ugh, I couldn’t even think straight after that. Why am I so awkward?

1.2.17

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I can’t believe it’s already the new year!! Everyone is saying 2016 was bad but I honestly don’t have any particularly negative or positive feelings toward the year as a whole. This scares me a little – did I not grow enough to feel something about it?

All I feel is excitement at the beginning of a new year. I lost 30 pounds at the end of 2016 and I really wanna lose another 40. I’m going back to the low carb lifestyle after letting myself get off track and I’m really excited about it.

I originally wanted to type this because my best friend since 6th grade got mad at me for telling me it wouldn’t be smart to have a baby right now. I don”t want to give her personal details out but there is literally no place in her relationship, mental health, or financial stability for a baby. I feel like as a friend, I should be giving her those reality checks from time to time. That’s what friends do. I’m sorry but I’d be an enabler if I just didn’t say anything! She told me I was rude, she hurt my feelings. I was just trying to care about her but apparently that’s mean.

I then vented to Bear about this and he told me I was being unreasonable and I shouldn’t tell people how to live their lives. I JUST WANTED HIM TO TELL ME I WAS BEING A GOOD FRIEND. But apparently I’m a giant asshole who shouldn’t make my people think about things before they do them. He hurt my feelings so bad but not even trying to make me feel better about my hurt feelings. He decided to hurt mine worse. I didn’t answer his text because I didn’t want to fight with him about this because I know he’ll just tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’ll end up apologizing. We’ll get over it, but I’m mad. Happy new year. *eye roll*