12.10.16

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Bear left a week ago and ever since he did, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. If we stay together, we will not have kids. I won’t be a mom. When I first started thinking about this, I was really scared and panicked. I’ve always imagined myself being a wife and a mom, never really thought to imagine things a different way. I realized I’ve been holding onto some hope that Bear will change his mind when the time is right. But I don’t think that’s right, either. I don’t want to be okay with our relationship just because I have hope he will change his mind. No, for things to be really okay, I have to accept that if this is the path I take, with my soulmate, there will not be children involved.

I really didn’t like this at first. Even tried to see how I would feel if we broke up by trying to imagine it clearly. It would be horrible. I don’t want to know a day where he’s not in my life as my partner. It comes down to this choice of a life with my soulmate without kids, or the possibility of kids but no soulmate.

I’ve always tried to look at this relationship as a “now” thing, and not make decisions about it based on what the future COULD hold for us. I was scared when we first started dating – we live kind of far apart, he doesn’t drive or work, I get scared driving that far.. we didn’t seem like a match. He didn’t like talking about the future with any hints of certainty and at 19 when we met that’s all I knew how to do. I was honestly scared. But even when we first started talking I knew I liked him enough to not focus on what could happen with us. If I am happy right NOW that’s what matters. I think it’s silly to break up just at the thought of something MAYBE not working in 8 years, like why end it if you’re currently happy.

That all being said, this won’t be a conversation between Bear and I until I am at a point that I really do want kids. If it does come to that point and he can’t say he also wants them, we make a decision about our relationship then. I just refuse to put a strain on us when I wouldn’t even want kids until I owned a house and had a stable career + money in savings. I hate how weird he gets about this topic and I do wish we could just have a conversation about it but he swerves around the topic any time it’s brought up. It’s super annoying but I do know that it’s not fair to keep bringing this up when we are no where near that stage in our relationship as it is.

On a positive note, I think Bear and I are getting close to taking that next step in our relationship.  I have been on my birth control for 2 months now and things have been stable and we got close a few times. I am so ready for it. I wouldn’t want this to happen with anyone else. Even if there was a 100% chance Bear and I would break up and I knew that, I would still want him to be my first. It’s really special to me and he’s perfect.

I’ve been so down since he left a week ago. I just want to sleep 24/7. Come back, Bear.