10.16.16

Standard

I live with constant guilt.

I feel guilt mostly relating to feeling like I don’t spend enough time with my family and close friends. My parents aren’t old but they’ve been smoking for 30 years and they both have so many misc health problems that realistically, I have about 10 years left with them. They probably won’t see me get married or have a kid.

I don’t spend a lot of one-on-one time with them. I can’t afford to take them to dinners or breakfasts often. The most I do for them is the occasional pack of cigarettes or Starbucks coffee.

I don’t have a close relationship with my youngest brother. He’s 19, and kind of an asshole. I spend much more time with his wife. My other little brother has a rare health problem that barely anyone else has ever had. I don’t know how much time we will have together but we have no common interests and he knows I love him.

I love my boyfriend more than anything. I want to spend my life with him. I feel horrible when I stop hanging out with him to hang out with anyone else. Especially because he lives so far away and when he’s here I feel I should spend almost all of my time with him.

All this guilt is so hard to hold sometimes.  I know my family doesn’t hold anything against me and that they love me and the time they get with me. I just feel this pressure to make everyone happy all the time and it’s s heavy.

I don’t by any means think I’m a bad person and I know I’m doing my best but it doesn’t feel good enough.

Advertisements