I feel like so much has happened since my last update.

Let’s start with like 3 weeks ago. I have a really old (it’s a 1990) car, it’s been falling apart slowly for years. Lots of annoying little issues like no air, driver window doesn’t go down, 2 doors. BUT, it functions. Gets me to work every day, let’s me have a life (as long as it’s within my town since it can’t do hills!) I was driving me, my sister, my niece, and my brother and SIL to a water park about 45 minutes away. 10 minutes into the trip, I had to switch lanes on the freeway rather quickly because a mini-van next to me was merging like an idiot and not speeding up or slowing down to actually merge and was just going to merge on top of me. I must have over-turned in my anxiety about the minivan and the car starting swerving EVERYWHERE. I kept the car in my lane and came no where near an accident, but point is. I didn’t have control of the car. It was terrifying.

After this I was so scared to drive the car anywhere. I couldn’t trust it to do a simple thing like switch lanes! So the next day I took my dad with me to Toyota and I bought a new car. It’s for sure within my budget, but it means I’m not really moving out of the house for years unless I get a raise and Bear gets a job. I still feel rather anxious about all of this as it has added a car payment and an insurance payment on top of all my bills (like $400 extra a month). It’s in my budget, I made sure I was careful, but money is going to be really tight and it makes me feel anxious. I wish I didn’t have to be so tight with my money but if I don’t, I won’t be able to make the car payments. My parents were using the old car the day after I bought my new one and a tire blew so obviously I NEEDED the new car.

I keep having to convince myself that I didn’t make a rash decision, that I needed the car, that I’m good enough to have something nice. I’m so waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I’ve mentioned, I’ve been living in poverty for years. Never had enough money for clothes, food was tight. Somehow when I turned 18 I got out of all of that, but I just feel guilty sometimes. My parents are driving my old car while I have a 2016 Toyota. I know they want me to have all that stuff but I just feel BAD. Like I moved out from them, got a good job with good benefits, I have good health insurance, I’m eating healthy, I have a new car, and always enough food and gas money. This obviously didn’t just fall on me, I did the work to get here (kept my credit good, moved out, searched for a good job), but I just don’t feel deserving. I make my first car payment in the middle of October and I may feel better when I realize it wasn’t hard to save up the money.

I made a good decision. When the car is paid off, my credit will be even better than it was before I got the car. Bear and I will be on the way to buying a house before I’m 30. That would be so nice.

The weekend after I got my car, I drove it 3 hours away to visit Bear. His mom was supposed to figure out transportation but she just DIDN’T so I told her I’d just drive. I was a little scared but I guess all my driving anxiety came from not having a reliable car. The drive was beautiful, I wasn’t at all anxious. I got to Bear’s house and it was all nice. He has had a rough few week with his family and was a bit on edge the entire time. He wasn’t super affectionate except for our night in the hotel, and even then, it didn’t last long. I’m hoping once he’s been here for a little bit we’ll get our normal intimacy back, but I’ve definitely been missing it.

Our concert was amazing. My favorite band was SO good. Bear bought me a band-shirt because he knew I didn’t have money but that I wanted one. I was of course hoping he’d offer but wasn’t expecting it. We stayed in a really cool Victorian hotel that is “haunted” and overall enjoyed it a lot.

I was mentioning the intimacy issues earlier. It’s not like there are really “issues”. He still kisses me, holds my hand, cuddles me before bed. There hasn’t been much other than that though and the kisses are mostly pecks. I don’t think this is an issue with our relationship or a case of him being upset with me or anything. I honestly believe it stems from him being stressed out from his family from the last few weeks. I felt like he was trying to convince himself to be intimate during the hotel night but it didn’t stop me from enjoying it, but it was like 10 minutes of really nice romantic kissing and then just.. nothing. I gotta say, after months of nothing, I’m missing it all. I’m going to give it more time and see if things even out before I say something, though, as I believe it’s just stress.

I’m currently house sitting for my nanny family. They have a big St. Bernard that couldn’t care less about me. St. Bernard needs to be let out to pee every few hours and fed three times a day, and slept with at night. They have food in the house I’m allowed to eat, wifi, TV.. It’s okay. The catch is no Bear with me (because the dog will freak out), and I have to spend my whole weekend here just to work all week starting Monday again.

I’m babysitting for the Barbie family tonight as well. I wouldn’t be working so much but the money is nice. I’m sad about sleeping away from Bear in a big house by myself. This will all be okay but I feel weird! I want to enjoy my alone time but I’m not good at being alone when my other option is to be with him.