6.26.16

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Baby W is a month old today! He is so smart. He smiles at me when I talk to him. He holds his own head up for a minute at a time now, he has gained 2 pounds and 3 inches. I love him so much. We have an email address set up for him for when he is 18 and he can go back and read all these emails from his family.

Last night I went on a spontaneous trip to the lake with B, SIL, little brother, and SIL’s brother. It was seriously so much fun. B came over before she was supposed to go to work, but then decided she wanted to call out and hang out together instead. So that’s what we did! We made cookies with my mom and played with baby W (we did the cheerio challenge) then went to the lake to see the sunset. It was SO beautiful.

So Bear and I decided that we weren’t buying gifts for each other for our anniversary coming up. I wrote him open-when letters anyway and put in love coupons and pictures of us together, and some other treats like a full dutch-bros card. There were some things I wanted to buy him but I didn’t want to be unfair so just put them in my amazon cart for just in case he admitted to getting me things. WELL HE DID. Said he went to Best-Buy and couldn’t resist. So I ordered him Degrassi: The Next Generation season 1, because he’s been talking about us watching together like since we met so I thought it would show him I care to watch! I also got him Word On The Street. We are trying to have a board-game collection between the two of us and I knew he wanted that one. I think I did well for him, since I bought all things we could do together and a sentimental thing.

I go see him Thursday-Tuesday. I’m SOOOOOOOOO excited I can’t stand it. He left at the end of April and won’t be here again until September. It’s so hard being separated but I know it is what it is for now!

6.12.16

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Bear told me the other day that he has realized that he wants to be with me forever. This feels like a huge deal! It feels the equivalent of an adult promise-ring. He isn’t one to say things like that that he doesn’t mean. He said our first I love you months after we both felt it. He is honest about when he thinks I look good (as much as some women don’t like being told they ‘don’t look their best’, I love that he says this to me because it means when he thinks I look good, I know he’s being real). About a year ago, I wrote in a journal I have for him (all letters to him, to be given to him when it’s full. maybe for a wedding present) that I knew he was the one for me. His actual text was, word for word:

Me: *big long praise about how he always exceeds my expectations*

Him: you know why? it’s because i love you and even at our lows, I still love you. I won’t do anything to jeopardize losing the love of my life. I know I’ve never said it but i’m certain now. you’re the love of my life and i want to be with you forever.

Me: You are amazing.

Him: You’re the perfect woman for me.

This may seem rather insignificant but it isn’t to me. He has never done anything but allude to a future with us together. This conversation has made me feel even MORE secure in a future with him. We may be young but I know he’s it. I just know it.

There was a whole situation with my dad’s car (long story short it got repossessed when my mom was taking baby W to get his circumcision. like literally, they’re in the parking lot in a hospital. obviously my parents didn’t get the privilege of the car if they can’t pay it BUT how scummy is it to take a car away in a hospital parking lot?) and that was my ride to Bear’s house. I can drive and I have a car but I hate driving long distances alone, I get super anxious.  I tell Bear we need to  find a new way for me to get to him. His little brother immediately volunteers to come get me and take me home AND his mom is covering gas. I expressed thanks to his family and he said “this family has each others’ backs” alluding to me being part of the family!

SO ONTO the whole reason I’m writing. Redbeard and Val got married yesterday. Let me give a brief synopsis so everyone knows why this is a thing I need to talk about.

Redbeard is my ex boyfriend. We dated from August 2012 to August 2013. Bad match. He had depression issues and didn’t know how to be assertive or himself. He loved me, though. I was 0% sure of how to let him get to know me. I felt very uncomfortable around him even though I had a crush on him and loved him as a person. I broke up with him right after our anniversary (though I’d been feeling it since June of that year) because I felt stifled by his affection (which I now think is just because I didn’t know how to reciprocate, I was very sex-repulsed at the time not realizing demisexual was a thing). We had a lot of communication issues (I’d be annoyed or upset with him but couldn’t tell him because he’d flip out and apologize 100 times which made me feel like I was kicking a puppy. Even when I begged him to talk to me about how he felt about things he would just stare at me.) We just were not a good fit.

Val is my ex-best friend and was Redbeard’s close friend at the time. We had a rocky friendship to start but when I started crushing on Redbeard, she totally played messenger and encouraged us to get together, despite rumours of her liking him (I even told her I’d back of him if she had feelings). He told me he’d never date her, She said she doesn’t have feelings for him, so I go for it.

Anyway, we break up. I’m sad about it despite it being necessary. Val is the one I go to for advice and comfort and rants about all of this. She is visiting him a lot and he and I are mostly friends. I had a weird feeling about the visits (she did visit him instead of celebrating my birthday with me..) but maybe felt it was just post-breakup jealousy. Fast forward to January 2014, they both text me at the same time saying they are dating each other. They had been dating for 3 weeks when they tell me. I find out all my friends know. I am devastated and stop talking to both of them AND everyone who knew and didn’t tell me. I was 19. Not emotionally in control of myself. Always bouncing from one extreme to the next.

I meet Bear a month later, feeling fine about Redbeard and Val a year later. I want to apologize to both of them but feel it would be wrong to upset them again and fear the rejection of them if they want nothing to do with me. January this year I am close to sending a letter. BUT THEN they get engaged and he blocks me on Facebook and I feel it’s bad timing. I don’t want it to appear it’s just because they got engaged.

And now current time. They got married yesterday. It’s weird. SOO weird. I am a different person than I was when I knew them and I desperately want to know them again. But now it’s bad timing because they just got married. I think I need to just accept that they are no longer in my life for good. It’s sad.

I had a dream Friday night that I was with Redbeard and apologizing and he was smiling and holding my hand (platonically) and saying he understood. Val was okay too. She wanted us to all be friends. I woke up and felt so happy until I realized it was a dream. Seriously, this situation has haunted me for 2 years. I just want to feel at peace about this!

 

6.7.16

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I’ve been SO mentally well lately! For lots of reasons. Lots of things just falling into place the way I needed them too and my mental health has been so good, consistently.

I struggle with money. I grew up in poverty; as an adult, I can see how this has affected how my parent spend their money and make financial decisions. I am trying so hard to not let those habits get me and keep me in the cycle of poverty that my family is used to. I have let them use my credit card to pay bills and have been trying to pay it off for two years.

WELL, I got a big paycheck (there were 10 days of pay on this instead of 8 because of the end of May being in the middle of the week), and I was able to put about $300 between my credit card and my savings account. I’ve also had the opportunity to babysit for the Barbie family who just had their new baby the day after baby W was born, and they pay me well. Plus, I’ve been given some cash for staying about an hour and a half extra work in the last couple weeks. So I just had a good financial situation.

Now usually, when I have money that doesn’t need to be spent on bills, I just let it sit in my account for use whenever I want. BUT NOT THIS TIME!! I let myself have like $20 for starbucks drinks (this pink drink is SO good) and random extra expenses (I bought Sun-in hoping to lighten my hair naturally a bit), and then the REST WENT INTO SAVINGS! I have paid off so much and gotten so much into savings and I only left myself $30 to spend until my next payday. It feels great. I’m so happy.

On another note, my 2nd anniversary with Bear is coming up. Man, I love that guy. Seriously, he is my absolute best friend. He knows me so well. He loves me so well. Everything always feels new and exciting. We haven’t had sex yet (both virigins) and the slow build to it adds so much intimacy and trust. We decided to save money to just do things together for our anniversary instead of buying gifts. He really doesn’t like “things” and I’ll be in his town for a few days during this time so I’m excited. I am writing him 24 “open when…” letters for our 24 months together. He’s mentioned that he thinks love-coupons are cute so I’ll put some corresponding coupons in those! He’s going to love it. One day I’ll do a whole post giving you his full personality so you can all experience him too!! He’s the best.

I’m just so happy. Money has been good, Bear and I have been great, my family has been great since Baby W was born, and B and I have gotten close. Soya and I are off and on as always but we will probably hang out soon.

My big sister will be leaving for a gaming convention for a full week soon, so it will just be me and Bug for a week! I’m excited to cook for her every night and just spend some time bonding together.

Okay big long happy rant over!!