Bear told me the other day that he has realized that he wants to be with me forever. This feels like a huge deal! It feels the equivalent of an adult promise-ring. He isn’t one to say things like that that he doesn’t mean. He said our first I love you months after we both felt it. He is honest about when he thinks I look good (as much as some women don’t like being told they ‘don’t look their best’, I love that he says this to me because it means when he thinks I look good, I know he’s being real). About a year ago, I wrote in a journal I have for him (all letters to him, to be given to him when it’s full. maybe for a wedding present) that I knew he was the one for me. His actual text was, word for word:
Me: *big long praise about how he always exceeds my expectations*
Him: you know why? it’s because i love you and even at our lows, I still love you. I won’t do anything to jeopardize losing the love of my life. I know I’ve never said it but i’m certain now. you’re the love of my life and i want to be with you forever.
Me: You are amazing.
Him: You’re the perfect woman for me.
This may seem rather insignificant but it isn’t to me. He has never done anything but allude to a future with us together. This conversation has made me feel even MORE secure in a future with him. We may be young but I know he’s it. I just know it.
There was a whole situation with my dad’s car (long story short it got repossessed when my mom was taking baby W to get his circumcision. like literally, they’re in the parking lot in a hospital. obviously my parents didn’t get the privilege of the car if they can’t pay it BUT how scummy is it to take a car away in a hospital parking lot?) and that was my ride to Bear’s house. I can drive and I have a car but I hate driving long distances alone, I get super anxious. I tell Bear we need to find a new way for me to get to him. His little brother immediately volunteers to come get me and take me home AND his mom is covering gas. I expressed thanks to his family and he said “this family has each others’ backs” alluding to me being part of the family!
SO ONTO the whole reason I’m writing. Redbeard and Val got married yesterday. Let me give a brief synopsis so everyone knows why this is a thing I need to talk about.
Redbeard is my ex boyfriend. We dated from August 2012 to August 2013. Bad match. He had depression issues and didn’t know how to be assertive or himself. He loved me, though. I was 0% sure of how to let him get to know me. I felt very uncomfortable around him even though I had a crush on him and loved him as a person. I broke up with him right after our anniversary (though I’d been feeling it since June of that year) because I felt stifled by his affection (which I now think is just because I didn’t know how to reciprocate, I was very sex-repulsed at the time not realizing demisexual was a thing). We had a lot of communication issues (I’d be annoyed or upset with him but couldn’t tell him because he’d flip out and apologize 100 times which made me feel like I was kicking a puppy. Even when I begged him to talk to me about how he felt about things he would just stare at me.) We just were not a good fit.
Val is my ex-best friend and was Redbeard’s close friend at the time. We had a rocky friendship to start but when I started crushing on Redbeard, she totally played messenger and encouraged us to get together, despite rumours of her liking him (I even told her I’d back of him if she had feelings). He told me he’d never date her, She said she doesn’t have feelings for him, so I go for it.
Anyway, we break up. I’m sad about it despite it being necessary. Val is the one I go to for advice and comfort and rants about all of this. She is visiting him a lot and he and I are mostly friends. I had a weird feeling about the visits (she did visit him instead of celebrating my birthday with me..) but maybe felt it was just post-breakup jealousy. Fast forward to January 2014, they both text me at the same time saying they are dating each other. They had been dating for 3 weeks when they tell me. I find out all my friends know. I am devastated and stop talking to both of them AND everyone who knew and didn’t tell me. I was 19. Not emotionally in control of myself. Always bouncing from one extreme to the next.
I meet Bear a month later, feeling fine about Redbeard and Val a year later. I want to apologize to both of them but feel it would be wrong to upset them again and fear the rejection of them if they want nothing to do with me. January this year I am close to sending a letter. BUT THEN they get engaged and he blocks me on Facebook and I feel it’s bad timing. I don’t want it to appear it’s just because they got engaged.
And now current time. They got married yesterday. It’s weird. SOO weird. I am a different person than I was when I knew them and I desperately want to know them again. But now it’s bad timing because they just got married. I think I need to just accept that they are no longer in my life for good. It’s sad.
I had a dream Friday night that I was with Redbeard and apologizing and he was smiling and holding my hand (platonically) and saying he understood. Val was okay too. She wanted us to all be friends. I woke up and felt so happy until I realized it was a dream. Seriously, this situation has haunted me for 2 years. I just want to feel at peace about this!