I’ve had such a long weekend off from work, and I haven’t known what to do with myself. Baby W was born Thursday, yes, but he’s 3 days old and while very cute, very boring.
I haven’t really wanted to play sims or read Game of Thrones (though I’m currently on the last book that’s out!). I haven’t wanted to watch any of my shows and I’ve been really not wanting to facetime Bear. Just in a weird funk, I guess.
I spent my morning sorting out my budget. As always, I was surprised when I apparently will have $150 after all my bills. Where does this extra money always go? I always feel I’m struggling to the next paycheck. Okay, I know where it goes, and it’s my parents. We have been living below the poverty line ever since my mom got really sick and my dad got injured at work. It has been probably 7 or 8 years of this, and it’s destroyed my parents.
As a kid, my parents owned their own company and we were actually wealthy. We moved for my little brother’s health and to be near my dying great-grandpa, and it was all fine until my mom got uteran cancer and my dad was permanently disabled in a bad series of events. We soon had no money for lunches for school. No money for new clothes. No money for school supplies. As I have gotten older, there is still no money but I work and now my parents suck all of it up.
I can’t tell them when I get paid or when I have extra money, because then something comes up and they need it. I am not blaming them. I can’t imagine the stress of having to provide for 10 people and not having any way to have an income. I can’t imagine it literally AT ALL. Of course they only mention they need something when they know I have money. Why would they mention it if they thought I didn’t have any?
It’s just extremely frustrating because I have credit cards that need to be paid off because I let them use it and I have things I want to save up for. I have a good job and relatively few bills so I should, in theory, be able to save up. But I can’t because my parents always need my money.
This month I tried a new strategy — I took $20 out and gave it to them before they asked, but told them that’s all I have to give them. Maybe that will make things better. $20 once is better than $5 or $6 ten times in two weeks. I am hoping that once I move in with B (if i can ever save up enough to do so) that they will stop asking me for money.
The distance that will be between us then will hopefully separate me from all of their stress because they will be so happy just to see me that they won’t want to add on. I feel horribly guilty about wishing they’d keep it to themselves because it’s a very selfish way for me to think. I just can’t live with their stress and my own. They have recently gotten food stamps and started going to the food bank so I really hope that starts to help them. SIL is on WIC so if they would learn how to cook with healthier foods then that could really help. Brother should be getting a job soon. I feel guilty about needing the space but I can’t wait until I have it.