1.30.16

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It’s been such a long month.

Start of the month, Bear and I had some problems. He felt that I never really had his back on anything and that made him extremely anxious to be here. He voiced that his time with me wasn’t always nice. This all really hurt me because sure, sometimes our time together sucks. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we don’t get along. But for me, then we have some good time and I’ve forgiven the bad days and nearly forgotten them.. until he brings it up. It makes me feel as if he’s holding onto things instead of talking to me about it and that it’s all gonna blow up in my face.

Anyway, I understood what he was saying and even agreed — I tend to choose my family over him every time and while that was acceptable at first, it really isn’t anymore. If I want to have a lasting relationship with him, he has to come first. I always come first to him. It is me, then family. Occasionally family does come first, but I have always known that if Mike was shitty to me, Bear would punch his lights out immediately. Me, I have always tried to balance both sides. Bear got pissed off last year (November 2014) that my little brother was being an ass to me in my house and he got up and said “Fuck this and fuck him” which caused volatile brother to lose it and it caused a lot of problems for me. I told Bear this and said that maybe he shouldn’t have acted that way. This hurt him to a point where he brought it up again recently. This whole conversation took a turn that made me feel I needed to beg to keep us going. I was terrified he was going to break up with me, terrified he was going to give up on me.

For days after this, I felt we were disconnected and going to break up. I was so upset and scared and anxious for about a week, and I felt really alone. Eventually things picked back up and I feel we’re fine now. He’s supposed to be coming back in February and I’m a little scared that’s when things will go bad.

After all that, I ended up getting a message and interviewing for a Nanny job! It’s $12/hour, 30 hours a week, 4 days a week. A 10 month old and a 4 year old. I got the job and quit at Walmart about 3 weeks ago, and I’m loving my new job. The pay is so much better, my schedule is so stable, I can get things done and function like a normal person. I don’t miss WalMart at all.

I had to apply for health insurance recently?? Not really sure how that went but I think I got good coverage. We’ll see! I also did my FAFSA so maybe I can take classes in the summer or something but again, we’ll see.

Bear and I spent all day today playing Scattergories and Hearts. It was an incredible day and he’s been so vocal about how much he loves me. I love these days, I really do. We were on the phone for 5 hours and we played games for about 6.5. I can’t even believe my luck with him. He really is my one.

 

 

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12.31.15

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It’s been the longest year of my life. So much has happened, and I’m tired.

I spent the year removing toxic people from my life, working, learning who I am, and falling in love.

I’m so sick today that I called out of work and I don’t have the energy to even write a big post about the year. Just know that it mostly sucked, except for Bear.