3.23.15

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Two updates in a month?!

So, I went and I got Bear finally and things were so so great, and then, suddenly, they were not.

I woke up on Saturday morning and he immediately said “When you’re awake, I have to talk to you.” me, knowing it was going to be bad, told him to just go. He went on to talk about how he’s had awful anxiety for the last week but has felt stifled and like he couldn’t talk to me. He told me he wasn’t even ready to come back when he did. He told me he never thought of our visits as moving in, just visits. He also told me he was dad was on the way and that he was going home and didn’t know when he was going to come back.

This all devastated me. I cried so hard. I didn’t know how it was possible that I could have messed up so badly that my boyfriend was just suddenly leaving. After further reflection, I realize that most of it was him and not me, but it has been a serious bummer. He kinda broke my trust. It hurt me that he decided he was leaving before he even talked to me. His dad was on the way before I woke up, even! It hurt me that he told me he felt obligated to come back when he did, when the whole time he was gone, he was telling me he missed me and wanted to be back. How am I supposed to trust that he really wants to be with me when he just told me it was obligation?

We talked it all through and we’re not breaking up and we’re mostly fine now, but I’m still feeling really not good. I almost feel like it’s been a break up, even though that’s so ridiculous! He was telling me he was hanging out with his mom at a party and all these people and allllll this while I was literally sitting at home crying, and that made me feel so bad. I’ve been sleeping horribly. I cried over the puzzle we did together because it got messed up. I’ve been staring at my phone waiting for texts from him, for validation from him. I’ve been feeling shy about sharing personal things. It’s probably all from a break in trust, but I hate it. We have plans to watch Gilmore Girls together in about 10 minutes and I’m just excited for things to feel normal again.

In other news, things at home are still going well and I cut 6 inches off my hair.

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3.6.15

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It’s so crazy how much changes in a month.

I got my job at Walmart back, and I couldn’t be happier with it. I’m permanent now, and they’re giving me a lot of hours, and I’m really loving it still. I really just love having the stable income. Having money really does relieve my stress. I want to be able to pay off my credit card, pay off my late cell phone bill (dad missed a month in the summer and so we’ve been behind for months), save for my braces (that’s almost 5k in itself), and just save in general so Bear and I can take trips, just him and I. how incredible would that be?

Chick moved out. I realized in the middle of February that she wasn’t going to have rent money since she was only working like 12 hours a week, and when I confronted her, she didn’t deny it. Honestly, at that point, my only option was to have my sister move in. I offered Chick a room and told her she could share with Bug until she went to camp, but she decided she’d rather live with Jess and her parents 45 minutes away. That hurt my feelings quite a bit because I’ve done so much for her but as I was doing what was best for me by inviting Sister in, she was doing what was best for her by leaving. It happens.

Having my sister here has been weird, but nice. She makes dinner every night. She shops for us, she pays the rent, she pays the water and gas bills.. she loves me and respects me as a person and as her sister and that’s what I love. She’s better at adulting than I am so I don’t feel as alone living here now.

Bear left to go see his family for what was supposed to be a week but turned into at least two and a half weeks. The day I was supposed to go get him, it snowed in Tahoe and I have learned my lesson and refused to go. I spent two days crying about it. It’s so so weird not having him here. I never thought I’d find someone who I wanted to be around 24/7. His presence is so calming and relaxing to me, I feel so much more stable and okay when we’re together. He’s kinda like the human form of an anxiety pill. He jokingly mentioned marriage today and my heart was racing for 15 minutes. Last time a guy mentioned marriage to me I felt nauseous for an hour and couldn’t make eye contact for two days but then felt obligated to let him continue. This has got to be love. I can’t wait until he comes home to me.

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