I decided to start a blog just because it struck me recently that there’s gonna be a day someday where I don’t remember this exact moment. I won’t remember the person I am today because I’ll be so different, and that scares me. This is also the first time I’ve done something just for myself. This blog is anonymous and I won’t allow anyone I know to read it. I think it’s healthy to have a place just for me.
I’ve been okay these days. My 19th year is coming to an end, but it’s definitely been the most eye-opening, difficult, amazing year. Since I don’t know where to start with this blog, I’ll just review my year.
November 2013 – Turned 19. Had recently broken up with Redbeard because he was never right for me. I wanted him to be, so badly. But he never was. He just needed somebody and I just wanted someone to make me feel like they understood me and loved me anyway. I was lonely and so naive when we got together and I made bad choices. I regret that relationship so much because I got absolutely nothing out of it. He didn’t allow me to grow.
December 2013 – I don’t remember this being a bad month. My first semester at college was going really well. I was making new friends in my Intervarsity group and I was mostly just really happy. I felt lonely a lot. Really felt like something was missing but couldn’t figure out what. Filled this gap by posting a lot of selfies on Tumblr and flirting with people who didn’t care for me except that I’m pretty. Not so much harmful to me as just silly because it didn’t solve anything.
January 2014 – Bad month. I was bored because I wasn’t in school. Val and Redbeard told me at the same time that they were dating. This crushed me. I stopped talking to both him and her immediately. I stopped going to church. I moved back home. I bought a car just to have to give it back later because she wasn’t working. I had to keep giving my parents all my money. I was so frustrated.
February 2014 – Much better month, though had its ups and downs. Ski and I had a thing going for a week where we acknowledged that we liked each other and then a few days later he said he wasn’t ready and we cut it off before it started. I felt silly. Some strange guy messaged me on tumblr complaining about my music taste. I didn’t know at the time that I’d end up falling in love with said strange guy nor did I know that he was the most incredible person I have ever met. Anyway, I was smitten pretty quickly but he was talking to some other lady so I let it go and just tried to be his friend.
March 2014 – So happy. I was so happy this month. I was very smitten with Bear and we were texting every day, all day. I had my spring break this month from school and we spent the whole time watching Being Human (UK) together. We still joke about Mitch’s fingerless gloves today. He admitted to “Crushin’ on a Fall Out Boy fan” and I about died upon reading it since I’d convinced myself he’d never like me. School was really overwhelming for me and I had to skip quite a few times because I didn’t have the gas money to get there.
April 2014 – Again, all I can remember from this month is happiness and Bear. Meeting him was the best thing that has happened to me so far. I think we talked on the phone for the first time this month. I remember I was so nervous and so scared because I hate the phone. I remember his laugh was honestly the best sound I’d ever heard. My face hurt badly from smiling afterward. Ugly Duckling “broke up with” me this month. I hated her anyway. -shrug-
May 2014 – School got out this month and I couldn’t have been more relieved. Bear and I spent many nights up until 4, 5, 6 am just talking about nothing on the phone. We talked about how comfortable we were with each other and we told each other everything. I also knew it was getting close to time for me to go work at camp, and I was really nervous about telling him. We weren’t dating, we just knew we liked each other. He lived 3 hours away, I didn’t have a car or plans to move there. We met online, so we were taking things very slowly.
June 2014 – This month was a whirlwind. I wasn’t as excited for camp as I had been before. Bear didn’t ask me to stop talking to him when I told him I had to go, and I called him almost every night. I also went to Warped Tour and saw Mayday Parade and The Maine. I should’ve known then that I loved Bear when I was more excited to meet him in person than I was to go to Warped Tour. The first night we met I stayed in Chick’s car for 10 minutes, too nervous to get out. What if he thought I was ugly? What if I said something dumb? What if he was different in person than over text? I was so scared. I eventually knocked on his door and we sat in his living room and watched Finding Nemo. I sat close to him on the couch and he eventually held my hand. It felt really right. Sounds so cliche, but it was so right. The next day, Chick and I spent all day playing games with him and his family and watching movies. I was sad to have to leave. I was so comfortable physically with him even then. We hugged for a long time, and even then, I could feel his affection for me radiating off of him.
Camp was fine. I didn’t find myself as excited about anything. It felt like a chore to get up every day. Bear and I talked every day but some days it wasn’t very much and I missed him so badly some days. I didn’t connect with anyone except Eugene on staff. I really wanted to leave.
July 2014 – Maybe the best month of the year so far. I visited Bear for 4th of July weekend. We went to the fireworks in Suisun City, and he asked me to officially be his girlfriend that night. I found out later he asked quite a few people on Tumblr if they thought that would be a good idea. It really was the cutest thing. He said it really fast, and I knew he was nervous. We kissed for the first time that weekend, laying in his bed. He was kissing my face while we were cuddled very close together and he says, “I’m gonna kiss your lips now,” and I said “okay” and it was sloppy and off-centered but I couldn’t stop smiling. We kissed a few more times after that. He touched my butt. I did not want to leave him to go back to camp. I couldn’t wait for camp to end. I visited him again at the end of July, and on the 26th, he told me he loved me while we were laying in bed cuddling. He said “This might be weird or awkward, but I love you.” His voice didn’t waver. I said “It’s not weird or awkward.” and he said “No? Good.” I spent the next 45 minutes thinking about how I knew I loved him and figuring out how to tell him that. I eventually did, and he kissed me. Leaving was the hardest thing in the world.
August 2014 – This was the craziest month of my entire life. I didn’t see Bear this month. I moved into an apartment 45 minutes away with Chick and nothing about it felt right. I thought maybe it was because I wasn’t ready or because I was scared, but I think now that it just wasn’t a right situation. I never felt at home there. School started, but my financial aid didn’t come through. I felt so lonely. We got evicted in September because of the financial aid situation, and while it was a scary situation, I was happy about it. I knew anywhere was better than that situation. I can’t explain why it wasn’t right. It just wasn’t.
September 2014 – Probably the worst month I’ve had in a very long time. I got sick 3 different times in a row, including throwing up, I got evicted from my first apartment, I moved back next door to my parents, I was so stressed out about school because of my financial aid. I saw Bear in the beginning of the month in a spur of the moment decision. One night, we made out in his bed for a solid two hours. How Its Made was on in the background and I can’t watch that show without him anymore. I let him touch me in ways I never thought I’d let anyone touch me, and I felt even closer to him at the end of this visit.
October 2014 – This month. It has been so much better than last month. So much so that I feel like I’m living a different life than I was a month ago. I’m living next door to my parents now. I’m so in love with Bear that I can’t handle myself. I know he loves me back just as much. It’s incredible. School is fine. I don’t think I’ll make Dean’s List though because it started out rocky with financial aid.
I spent last weekend with Bear. Four nights, Five days. Best weekend with him yet. We kissed so much, in so many different places, in so many different ways. Sleepy kisses, turned-on kisses, lazy kisses, silly kisses. We went to his brother’s football game and we goofed off so much. God, how incredible is it to have someone who you can just goof off with? His mom came, she talked about how gorgeous and cute I was. She told me about how sometimes Bear just gets the sweetest, most genuine smile when he lets his guard down and insinuated that it was because of me. She likes me because of how happy he is. I couldn’t want anything else. We went to the Sacramento Zoo together, with his dad, dad’s gf, and her son + his wife. It was incredible; not only the animals, but the fact that I fit in so well with his family. He made the comment “Seems like you belong here, huh?” and I know I did. I spent a lot of the weekend imagining how okay with life I would be if I could drop out of college and move in with him. I don’t care what my future holds if I have him now. That scares me. I have never loved someone so much.
I know he loves me too. We were laying in bed one night and he made a comment about how my breath was unpleasant. Obviously not a real nice thing to say, but I wasn’t really offended. I jokingly turned away from him and he jokingly pulled me in really close and told me he was just kidding. He kept trying to get me to blow my breath into his mouth so he could prove to me he didn’t mean it. This started out as just a silly situation where he was just kidding with me and we were laughing, but something suddenly shifted. He was so upset. He apologized so many times, even when I told him I wasn’t mad or hurt. I said it’s okay, he said “no, it’s not okay. hurting you is never okay.” He eventually turned away from me and started crying so hard. My heart broke in that moment. All I could do was rub his back and tell him that it was okay and that I love him so much, so much. He was hard to understand because he was talking into his pillow, but he said things like “You deserve so much better” “I’m sorry you love me” “You’re crazy for loving me” “I constantly hurt people I love and it’s not okay” “it’s a defense mechanism it’s not okay”. I wish I could convey the amount of heartbreak that was happening at this moment. He’s crying and I’m rubbing his back and telling him I love him and that nothing is going to change that. He eventually got up and said “I’m going to be so good to you from now on.” The sadness from this happening still lingers inside me, even though it happened about 6 days ago. How incredible it is to be loved so much that it brings someone to tears with the amount that they love me? He’s not always the best at being affectionate with words and telling me how he genuinely feels, but those tears were heartbreakingly genuine.
I am so loved. I can’t even fathom it. How can someone look at me and think that I am beautiful, sexy, desirable, enjoyable to be around? How can someone be so in love with the way I talk and eat and laugh? I’ve never before known this kind of love, but it is so incredible.
I know that even if I don’t get to keep his love forever, that I will always be looking for it. It’s the kind of love I will tell my children to look for. I’ll never settle for anything less again. We don’t promise each other forever, but I really hope our “right now”s turn into that.