7.28.17

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I spent my entire day from 10 am to 7pm in extreme abdominal pain and then in the ER for it. Every once in a while I get these horrific stomach aches that start on my right side and slowly build until my entire back and stomach hurt so bad that I can hardly breathe. It feels like there’s a balloon expanding so big under my ribs, I  can’t get comfortable. I get so nauseas and the pain is literally 12 out of 10 horrible. I have had two ‘attacks’ in 2 weeks so I went to the ER today because I was scared maybe something serious was happening.

Basically they took my blood (which is usually so easy but today the dr poked around with the needle in my arm for literally 5 minutes and I bled everywhere), got an ultrasound, and did a urine test. I do have gallstones and I will need to get my gallbladder removed. I am scared about it, but also, this pain is literally so horrible I would do almost anything to never feel it again. If it means surgery and a different diet for the rest of my life, then fine. I just know this pain isn’t something I can let keep taking over my days like this.

My family stuff has been whatever. I don’t really talk to my dad nor do I go see them. Butterfly is still living with her dad so I guess she is just staying there? Who knows.

Chrystine is actually coming to see me next week! I’m really excited to spend some time with her as it’s been over a year since I’ve seen her. I hope my gallbladder pain stops enough for me to enjoy her visit.

I’m so tired from all the pain meds and spending my day at the hospital. I was determined to stay up late today because it’s my weekend and my whole day was spent in the hospital which in my opinion is a shitty weekend.

I’m really excited for school to start up in like 5 weeks. I keep toying with the idea of getting a second job just to save money but I realize I applied for school thinking I’d have my 3 day weekends and evenings to do homework. I need to see how I adjust to school and work together before I try to get another job.

7.8.17

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SO, my dad is back. AGAIN. This is the last thing I ever thought would happen, but here we are. He got back into town late on July 4th. When my mom told us all he was coming back over the weekend obviously everyone was livid, except my little brother, who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself so he doesn’t care. My mom was actually legitimately angry and hurt that we (my older sister, older brother, and me mostly) thought she was being dumb in bringing him back. Things between us and mom just aren’t okay.

I had put in my last post that mom was talking to dad a lot, and I was worried about it, and I obviously had reason to be worried. She kept telling me he wasn’t coming back, but I didn’t believe her, and look where we are. I can’t believe all the shit she said before about how much happier she was with him gone, how much more free and healthy, meant nothing. He always takes all the money and leaves, and as soon as my siblings and I put our money into my mom’s house to fix things for her, he comes back, and she just keeps letting him come back. HE HAS LEFT THREE TIMES. How is there no limit? How can you not value yourself so much that you’d let someone so abusive back in over and over? The horrible things he said to me about mom, apparently he didn’t mean. My parents are both liars. They are immature. They should be the fucking parents here, leaving the kids uninvolved in their relationship, and making choices based on logic and reasoning instead of being lonely and having a tough time and emotions. I get everyone’s a human but they chose to have all of us kids and they are just incredibly selfish parents. A big reason I don’t want kids is because I’ve really seen how even people who live their whole lives waiting to be parents can’t manage to be good ones.

Everything is weird with him here. I don’t go next door. Butterfly has been staying at her dad’s house with her boyfriend and baby W. She’s 14 weeks pregnant now and can’t take the stress of that household anymore. My little brother’s girlfriend is pregnant, like 5 weeks or so, and her last pregnancy was extremely high risk so there’s all that, too. My mom is angry with me because when she asked me why my older sister was upset I told her I didn’t know because I’ve purposely stayed out of the drama. SHE IS LITERALLY ANGRY THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN DRAMA. I’m seriously so done. I’m saving up  money to make a move to live with my boyfriend in his hometown about 3 hours away.

On a better note, I’ve gotten so much financial aid that I went ahead and bought my laptop and new clothes on my credit card because I know for sure I’m going to be able to pay it off. I will even be able to save hopefully a grand of that financial aid money. We’ll see, but I’m excited.

Bear and I have been really good. We just celebrated our third anniversary, which is insane to me. I can’t believe we’ve been together for three whole years already.

6.13.17

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I’m officially going back to school! I got my financial aid award letter a couple of weeks ago, and have met with a counselor. I’m going for the Associate of Arts, and then for my bachelor’s in Human Development Family Studies, which gears me up to get a job in social work or something similar! I start school August 28 which feels like so far away!

I am enrolled in 4 classes so far – intro to psychology, intro to sociology, intro to environmental science, and substance abuse education. I will enroll in a history class when I hear back from an advisor about my transfer credits. They are all online classes and my financial aid (a government grant) more than covers everything so I’ll even be able to get a new laptop and make my car payments with it. I’m basically going to school for free which is so amazing.

I am scared that I’m not preparing myself for how difficult it could be working 30 hours a week and taking classes full time. I think I will have no problem managing it but I do worry that I’m not realizing how much time college will take and I’ll end up overwhelmed.

B got out of the mental hospital like 4 days after she went and never attempted to contact me.. actually, she went through the effort of completely blocking me on every social media. I had removed her so we were no longer friends on these, but the fact she went through and completely blocked me kind of felt like a big slap in the face. I was nothing but nice to her. I had to be done with the friendship because it was only hurting me. I don’t know why she couldn’t understand that.

I feel continually hurt over this situation, I’m obsessing over it. Not only do I feel like I need to be able to check on her so I know she’s alive (she’s been suicidal) but why go through the effort to block me when you’re the one that hurt me? She was basically begging me to give her a chance.. and when I said “talk to me after you get out of the hospital” she somehow turned herself around into anger and now has me blocked everywhere and hasn’t messaged me. It’s not that I wanted her to message me. I just guess it sucks because I know she has this twisted so that I’m the bad guy in her head and I can’t stand people thinking badly of me.

Ever since my dad left I’ve just adopted this attitude of not letting people hurt me and take advantage of me. No one ever cares the same way I do and I end up getting hurt so bad, every single time!

Speaking of my dad, my mom is still talking to him. a lot. I catch her playing computer games with him, he bought and sent her a new blanket for her bed… she tried telling me “he’s really growing up!” no mom, he isn’t. I miss him so bad sometimes it randomly brings me to tears but I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to talk to him again with all that he left between us.

Butterfly had an ultrasound appointment but aside from getting to see baby bean in her tummy, we got no helpful information. We don’t really know how far along she is and I don’t think she’s made any extra appointments anywhere. Her pregnancy with baby W was so calm and easy but this baby is giving her hell. Maybe when she is out of her first trimester things will settle down.

This weekend Bear and I are going to see his family in his town about 3 hours away. I’m excited. I’m so glad I don’t have to be near my family on father’s day. AJ is a deadbeat dad to baby W and I don’t want to fake my way through a day with him.

 

5.28.17

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There has still been literally no peace in my life except in brief moments in the last two weeks. I’ll try to go in order.

When I told my best friend, B, about what happened with AJ (little brother) and his girlfriend, Kay, her first reaction was, “don’t you think you’re being dramatic? you always have these issues with your family and you always get over it so quickly.” and while I know my reaction was dramatic, you just don’t say that shit to your friend when they’re hurting. I am all for being an honest friend and keeping your friends’ feet on the ground, but I just felt that was SO wrong. My first reaction would have been something like, WOW, that sucks, how could he do that?, etc. B is constantly fighting with her other friend and I never hear the other friend’s side of it but I never ever ask B if she’s sure that she’s got it straight.

I don’t open up often when I’m right in the moment with feelings. I usually talk to Bear and Butterfly about it and then talk to B and Chrystine later, once I’ve processed it, mostly just to keep them updated with my life. But B has been complaining that I don’t come to her, so I just decided to take a chance and go to her. It blew up in my face. I felt so uncared for and hurt. She just kept asking if I really got the situation and telling me I would get over it. Not once did she show any empathy for what I was feeling. I was so hurt because it was exactly what my dad did and it was just the last thing I felt like I needed. I fought with her about this for days and eventually lost the care to fight and just told her I got over it. She showed no remorse or understanding but I was done.

After AJ and Kay moved out, along with their two friends, the house was so calm. We had a nice mother day and the house got cleaned and everyone was okay. I started figuring out my school paperwork and was talking to the school constantly trying to figure things out.

This last Wednesday, the 24th, Butterfly asked me if I would please stop at the dollar store and grab her some pregnancy tests because she is still nauseous all the time (since beginning of April) and her period has been weird, along with a bladder problem. I picked them up for her and didn’t ask her again about them even though I was dying to know. She told me the day before baby W’s birthday that she’s pregnant! She went to the ER to get an ultrasound and they said she’s about 6 weeks but I definitely think she’s closer to 10 weeks, just based on her spotting and how long she’s been sick and having weird symptoms.

I was scared at first and overwhelmed because I feel like baby W is so much work already and I’m already tired of the newborn phase we’re going to go through again, but.. my love for her won out and I already love baby bean in her belly and I can’t wait to meet the new baby. At least this happened after everyone moved out so there is enough room for a new baby.

Baby W had his first birthday on Friday! It was a really good but exhausting day that started at 7 am for me because I had to make a long drive to get school paperwork dealt with. That was all its own drama, but it did get turned in and dealt with. Baby W was super pissy all day because he refused to nap, and it was awkward because AJ and Kay showed up for the party.

Also somewhere in between this I found out my mom has been talking to my dad pretty regularly and comfortably, because my dad messaged me (we have not communicated except for to say i love you every few days) saying how proud he was that I am going back to school. Like his pride means anything to me anymore. But I told mom I knew she had talked to him and that it made me feel weird but I know she won’t stop. I don’t know that I can blame her, they were married for 22 years and together for 24. That’s a long time to be with someone. I can get why she wants to talk to him, but I felt weird.

Fast forward to today. I came home from grocery shopping and I saw Kay’s car in my mom’s driveway. I didn’t go over there because my rage at them stopped me, but a couple hours later got told that Kay and AJ are moving in, and that AJ (Butterfly’s ex husband!) was told that Butterfly was having a baby and he didn’t even freak out, which is shocking for him. What Kay and AJ are saying was that it was basically the two friends that had lived with them in mom’s house for a while, spreading lies telling them everyone was always talking shit when they weren’t around. They think this is because the friends didn’t want to be sleeping on the couch and living there, so they wanted to start problem to get them to move out. Obviously this would build up for them and they snapped and that’s when they moved out. I guess Kay cried and apologized for lying to AJ about what she said about what happened with mom. They’ve been told it’s only temporary because there won’t be room once baby bean comes.

I feel so upset about all of this because why can’t people just be who they say they are? Why did their friends lie to them, instead of just tell them they wanted them all to move out together? how can I be okay with Kay again after I saw that she will do and say anything to get my brother to believe her? AJ is such a dumbass that he just does whatever he wants.

Butterfly is upset because she has to go back to sharing a room with Baby W. She doesn’t trust that it’s only temporary and I feel so bad for her. I wish she didn’t stress, it’s not good for baby bean.

Kay and AJ also said that B had been sending the messages talking shit about me, about how I’m never there for her, how Kay has to be her new best friend because I left her. There was so much more, but my older sister saw all the messages and this was honestly enough for Butterfly and I to be done with her. So I had a huge fight with her where she, again, doesn’t get what she did wrong. She said “what you consider talking shit I just considered having a conversation”, which would still be wrong since she outright told me and my mom she hadn’t talked to either of them at all. I feel bad because she struggles so much with her depression but I can’t bend my life around for other people who show me they don’t care about me the way I need them to. I can’t keep being her friend because I’m scared she’ll hurt herself. It isn’t something I can prevent if she doesn’t want to prevent it and I can’t keep letting people in like this. It hurts too bad when they eventually betray me. I told her I was done and would be open to talking to her again after she’s gone to the mental hospital (which she had already planned to do before this) to deal with herself. Honestly though I don’t think she’s ever gonna get what she did wrong and I won’t be able to get past that.

I’ll make new friends when I go to college. Or not, because it’s not really worth the trouble.

At least on the good side, things with Bear have been better. I tell him when he’s being a jerk instead of just taking it, and we still argue, but I feel like I’m being heard and not repressing everything so the scary anxious trapped feeling has gone away. We haven’t been too affectionate but Bear reminded me I haven’t been wearing socks and he is SO weird about socks (he hates feet) that that’s probably what the issue was. Plus I’ve been so freaking sick for the last six weeks. We slept in and cuddled for a while this morning, and I made him banana pancakes for dinner that he loved. He also blocked B on facebook as soon as I told him what happened and talked me through it. I’m so grateful for him.

5.12.17

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My life is constant chaos. There is rarely ever any sign of peace or comfort.

Since my dad left, my little brother had been stepping up to pay bills for my mom. She can’t work because she’s sick and she only makes enough money for the rent and some groceries with her government aid, so when my dad left, we all kind of panicked. There was still the gas, water, trash, electric, and internet bills to pay. But little brother said he would take care of it and he did, for a while. He got all the bills caught up and spent more than a thousand dollars doing so.

The other day, his girlfriend, Kay, lost her shit. She got into a fight with my brother in the house which included lots of screaming, crying, and punching holes through walls. My little brother told her to leave multiple times and she wouldn’t. Things calmed down the next day but my mom was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the level of violence that happened, especially because Baby W lives there. She sat down with Kay when they were having coffee and said, calmly “We can’t have that kind of fighting in the house again,” and Kay went berserk. Screamed at mom, lunged at her, etc. Left the house saying she was never coming back.

Now, Kay has been weird for the last couple of weeks. Things like getting mad when my brother would spend time with his baby (baby W) but not her 2 year old. Telling him he isn’t allowed to drink, going through his phone, policing his money. So we all kind of knew she was bad news and I have been done with her attitude for weeks.

But after this fight with my mom, she went to my brother, said my mom chased her out of the house screaming at her, and that night my brother decided he was moving out immediately. Did exactly what Dad did – took off with no warning and with all the money. My family speculates that it’s just Kay lying to him and turning him against the family but if you ask me, brother would have done this anyway. He has always been selfish and self-centered and only ever cares about people or things as long as they are constantly benefitting him. He broke up with my sister in law (we’ll call her Butterfly since she won’t technically be my sister in law anymore soon) because she stopped having sex with him.

I am more angry at him and Kay than I ever thought I could be. How can someone be so manipulative and evil like Kay is? She has obviously encouraged this situation to happen. How can my little brother be such a little shit? How can someone turn on their entire family for someone they’ve been dating for 6 months? His plan is to live in a MOTEL for a month because Kay has somehow convinced him he will save money that way. Keep in mind he is 18, she is like.. 21? and this is his first job as an adult. He is making a lot of money and has no clue how to handle it. Kay constantly talks about how good she is with money but I really suspect that she just wants to use him for his money. And whatever, you know? I have disliked my brother for years and this is just the final straw. He is supposed to get his things from my mom’s place by Sunday and then I’m blocking his dumbass on Facebook and blocking his phone number. I absolutely want nothing to do with him ever again.

I have Mother’s Day planned out so well. I got Butterfly, Mom, and my older sister some individual gifts plus I have planned with my big brother to bring them all over to his house for coffee and brunch on Sunday and they have no clue where I’m taking them. I believe that day will at least be good.

Bear has been here for a few weeks now and things have been mostly good. I started getting my anxious-trapped feeling that I have gotten in previous relationships when they needed to end and that freaked me out to the extreme. I knew I needed to figure out why I was getting that feeling and do what I could do fix it, and I think I did. I think a lot of it was my anxiety from my home situation, but also some of it was just the way Bear talks to me. He snaps often, he has a temper, and I never know what’s going to make him angry. Anger scares me. Anger from men my whole life has meant screaming and throwing things and leaving and saying very hurtful things, and Bear is included in this. When he gets angry he says mean things and he gets loud and he usually leaves the room I am in. I feel like he gets angry out of nowhere. When I’m mad at him I think so hard about what I say to him and never say things like “I can’t stand you” even when I feel it. Because that hurts feelings and it’s not a forever feeling, it’s usually just because I feel mad that I feel that way. But he doesn’t think first and just says whatever he can to hurt my feelings when he’s angry at me. Even when he isn’t angry, he will randomly say mean things.

For example, I came home from work and told him I was going to start a load of laundry. He says “Good luck with that. They’re doing laundry.” His tone was rude and even just what he said was so unnecessary. How hard is it to just say “I’m pretty sure your sister is doing laundry so you may not be able to do that tonight.” He just doesn’t comprehend that you can’t be an asshole all the time. This has always been an issue with us. He talks so harshly, and though I have tried to not let it get to me, it does anyway. I talked to him about this and we basically concluded that I just need to give him what he gives me. I need to tell him, “Don’t talk to me like that.” when he snaps at me for no reason (if I even think about snapping at him he says that to me). I need to snap back when he yells at me for no reason.

This is a big deal to me. I can’t feel comfortable if someone is going to be mean to me, even with just their words, constantly. He is nice in every other way – he does things for me without me asking, he thinks of me, etc. but his words sometimes are so harsh and I can’t spend my life with someone who has a quick and unpredictable temper like his. I have grown up with it and I just can’t marry it, too. I hope it doesn’t get to that kind of situation because I do feel we can be perfect for each other. I’ve just been feeling so anxious realizing that I can’t be with him if he doesn’t get better.

On a different note, I want to go back to school. I think I will be able to in the fall if I get on top of it and figure out what I’m doing soon. I hope so, because I just need to go back to school.

4.10.17

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It’s been almost two weeks since my dad left, and they’ve been the most positive two weeks I’ve had in a long time.

My mom is SO happy. In the last few years she has gone from someone who fixes problems to someone who cries at any sign of trouble. She went from someone who loved being creative with meals and making dinner for the family to someone who just didn’t eat. She went from loving to paint with all the windows open and music loud to mostly spending her days in her dark room with Netflix. She stopped enjoying going out of the house with me. I always assumed it was the uterine cancer she had in 2011 that literally almost killed her. I just thought the fact that she went through so much had just completely broken her down.  This was around the same time she received her Lupus diagnosis as well, so until recently, that seemed like a likely reason for my mom to become this person.

Except… it was all my dad. It was my mom’s constant fear of her efforts still not being good enough to make him happy. It was the constant guilt she felt for enjoying herself when he was always in the other room, angry about something. It was from constantly feeling small because she kept having to ask her children for money just to live. He was always complaining about dinner (“Chicken for the second night in a row?” “How is this a meal? There’s no meat.”), so of course she stopped caring about cooking. She couldn’t enjoy her time out with me because he literally yelled at her for feeling happy when he noticed she did. I feel so guilty that I have looked down on my mom and lost respect for her because of the way she began moping around our lives – I never once considered it was the man who I looked up to SO much causing it all.

My mom spent the entire weekend helping me paint and decorate my room. She painted a dresser for me, took multiple long shopping trips picking out paint and decorations and sheets. She stayed up past midnight two nights in a row helping me. I convinced her to buy hot pink sheets for her room because she actually felt excited about them. She bought burgundy hair dye. She has enough food in her house to last her the entire month. The house isn’t dark all the time anymore, there’s no tension just wafting through the air.

I love my dad so much. But I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I wish he didn’t leave her this way – there are ways to end a marriage that don’t result in hurting everyone around you and causing chaos wherever you go. He could have talked it all out and we would have helped him find a place in town and get a job or budget and do whatever he needed to do. My mom even told him she’d help him get everything he needed to rent a studio apartment. Nothing is good enough for him though.

He’s across the country now with his sister and I mostly just feel relieved that he can’t come back all the sudden. He texts me once a day to tell me he loves me, so I know he’s alive. I don’t really care to know much more than that, though.

On a different note – I go camping with Bear and his family this weekend and then he’s coming home with me! I AM SO EXCITED. He hasn’t been here since the beginning of December but I have visited him a couple of time since then (I think at the end of Jan and then mid March) for 3 days each. I’ve seen him only 6 days in the last like 4 months. I’m so happy he’s coming back. He doesn’t know the room has been redone so he’s going to be so surprised. There’s so much space for all his stuff now, there’s no way he won’t love it.

4.3.17

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So, my dad took off on my family. Again. Let me start at the beginning.

Some years ago (like between 5-6 i think) my dad and my mom had a huge fight while I was at church, and my dad packed the car up and left. My dad at the time had a lot of anger issues but my parents were genuinely in love at this time and I was just a kid, and it was horrible. I cried so much. My heart was completely shattered. My dad ended up coming back that same day, he cried, he apologized. We found out he had depression issues he had felt too embarrassed about to say anything. We got him to the doctor and he got meds and things felt like they went back to normal for me.

March 2016 – My dad left suddenly again. I honestly believe my mind has protected me from some of this because I don’t remember how I found out. I just remember my heart broke, again. Bear was here with me. My dad claimed it was because we were poor all the time. He hadn’t been taking his meds correctly. My mom packed up all his things, my dad called me and told me he was going across the country to stay with his sister, who was messaging me on facebook telling me she wasn’t going to let him go. My dad was gone for a few days but when he left he took all the money with him. My mom had to scramble to figure out rent, and things were really really bad. My big brother stopped calling him dad after this. My dad came back a few days after he left but I could feel that things were not the same for my mom. My mom and I were the only two who wanted to let him come back. I was in denial. I wanted him back because I didn’t know how to deal with a reality where my parents were separated. This was an incredibly hard time. Nothing really went back to normal after this. My dad’s car got repossessed a few weeks after he came back. My mom became quiet and just got sicker and sicker (she has lupus, that’s what happens when she gets stressed). As the year went on bills started struggling more and more, and I was going broke every month paying bills for them.

March 2017, what just happened – I was watching a movie with Bear (he’s 3 hours away at home) when my dad comes in and tells me he’s leaving. I had known for a couple of months this was coming. He stopped taking his meds again.  He started getting angry at nothing. He said some really shitty things to me a couple of weeks ago about how Bear doesn’t love me. My mom told me a couple weeks ago that she had a feeling that he was going to leave when they got paid in April. I knew she was right but I was scared. So anyway, he sat on my bed and told me he’s leaving because he isn’t happy. and that he’s tired of spending all his money every month making everyone else happy. He eventually left. I cried all night. He came back later that night, drunk, and demanded he stay the night because it was too cold for him to sleep in the car and that he didn’t have money to leave for like 5 days. The next day my big brother got him a motel room and came over and told him to go (he was nice about it, but again, they haven’t gotten along since he left in 2016). We spent Friday morning sorting out bills, trying to take his name off things and budget so we could figure out how to help my mom cover it. All the bills were days away from being shut off – he hadn’t paid most of them in months. We found out the trash bill was $75/three months, but he told us it was $75 a month. He was pocketing money from the three of us (my little brother and big sister and me) every single month telling us he couldn’t pay that bill. He was going broke every month but not paying the electricity or gas. I WAS GIVING HIM MONEY CONSTANTLY FOR IT. They were going without food even though I was giving them money all the time. I have no idea what he was using all the money for. I had to go see my dad Friday because he demanded money from me, saying he had no food and no gas for the car and no money. I brought him $40 even though I couldn’t really afford it. He told me my mom kicked him out, which no, he left and came back and so we got him a motel. that’s not kicking anyone out? But anyway he told me he went broke every month paying bills and that’s why he was leaving. BUT HE WASN’T PAYING THE BILLS. My mind was scrambled. I got home and found out he came by the house and demanded $40 out of my little brother right before I brought him money, so he told me he had none even though my little brother JUST GAVE HIM MONEY.

He isn’t coming back this time but everything sucks so bad. To think my dad has been intentionally lying and taking money from me so long… then says he’s leaving because he never has money… it’s horrible. I have no idea how to process ANY of this. My dad has some mental issues, that’s obvious to me, but could it really be to the point where he’s really this bad person and doesn’t remember being that way? I have no clue.