5.29.18

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you guuuuuys why do i always put off writing in here? my life is insanely different already.

first thing’s first – things with TP and I are still so good. he really is an angel. also, ps, sex doesn’t hurt anymore. if you would have told me in december that i’d be happily and comfortably having sex with TP, i would have never believed you. i’m so happy with him.

honestly, you guys. he is so attractive, loving, sweet, affectionate, funny, charming. he was just here for like almost 2 weeks and i’ve been near tears often since he left. i genuinely miss having him around.

i literally have also not ever mentioned my new friend that i met in january i don’t think? i don’t know what to call her here. she has such a white girl name. I’m gonna call her Ashley. Anyway, Ashley is the nanny of one of my nanny kid’s friends. so we meet up and do play dates and since we met we have been really close. SO CLOSE IN FACT THAT WE’RE MOVING TO AN APARTMENT IN JUNE. with Chick. Chick was the one who I stopped being friends with because she stopped paying the bills but she has lived paying bills for a long time now and I think we’ll be fine!I mean hopefully since we already signed the lease.

I’ve started learning to do my makeup, too. I just feel like I needed to get taken seriously. and yall, i got a job at a preschool too for after my nanny job ends in august. I ALSO JUST CHOPPED AND COLORED MY HAIR. honestly. i’m so happy.

oh i also got my AA so school is DONE for now thank christ because I was drowning.

anyway this was just a quick update to talk about how in love i am with T and happy I am with my friends and myself. i will give a for real detailed update soon. i hope.

 

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3.11.18

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I have had literally no time to write in here because it’s been the busiest couple months of my life.

School is killing me. My classes are so reading and writing intensive. I feel like I’m never caught up, even though I’m not behind. I’m someone who needs to be ahead or I panic. So that’s going GREAT.

I’m almost sure my thyroid meds need to be upped, because I’m insanely tired all the time and slowly gaining weight. I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME FOR A DR APPT. and I need to switch doctors because my current doctor doesn’t medicate to optimal levels for some dumb reason?

I haven’t heard from Bear nor do I want to. I blocked his number, I blocked all his family members’ numbers, and everyone is unfriended on Facebook. His mom literally blocked me and he made a new account on Facebook and told everyone I was stalking him. Yes, I was reading his social media, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t have it public then, dumb ass.

Drum roll please — TP and I had sex. I’m not a virgin anymore. It was on February 10th. First thing’s first — IT HURT SO BAD. Why does no one tell you how bad it truly hurts? I bled for days. I couldn’t sit or walk normal for 2 days. My vagina felt like it had CARPET BURN. Why was I not warned? Anyway. The night it happened was amazing. It was awkward yes, and it hurt a lot, but we laughed so much about how awkward it was and he kept reassuring me. Every time since then has been a lot better, and I’m getting less and less awkward as it happens more.

This was so crazy to me because a) we’d been dating for only two weeks, and I’d barely talked to him for 2 months and b) I didn’t think I would ever be able to have sex because I thought my vag was too small. I have never even been able to use tampons, so I didn’t think this would be at all possible, but it is, and it’s all good. I feel like I’m finally actually an adult now. Maybe I rushed it a little because I was tired of being a virgin and because I was attracted to TP, but I’m happy.

In a weird turn of events, guess who is sleeping on the couch in my house? None other than C, my big brother’s incredibly hot best friend who told my entire family he had a crush on my around Thanksgiving, thus giving me the confidence to end things with Bear. but then nothing ever happened with him and I started dating TP. TP doesn’t know about C — C is a long time family friend and will be around forever and I didn’t want TP to feel weird. but man oh man looking at C every day and talking to him constantly is sooooooo .. like … just wow. I adore TP but I don’t mind looking at C every day either.

I need to update this more but it’s bed time so hopefully I’ll come with more soon!

 

1.26.18

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This month has been the craziest, happiest whirlwind of a month, and I never ever expected my life to be going the way that it is right now. I was in such a different place even just 5 weeks ago that I keep having to double-take and figure out how my life is where it is.

First thing’s first — TP and I are DATING. Like, he is my boyfriend.

Listen. I know it’s early. I know I JUST got out of a long relationship. But you guys all saw how bad that one was for me. I know TP lives far away, I know I know I know all of the crazy ways this could be bad. But… he’s amazing.

We began talking every single day, all day, and eventually that turned into late nights talking on the phone. Eventually that turned into facetiming for hours, and eventually that turned into me driving up to visit him last weekend. It was amazing. I didn’t know what to expect going into it. We both were aware we had feelings for each other but neither one of us was brave enough before the visit to ask what the other was expecting, so we kinda went in blind.

I got there on Thursday night. I met him at his bible study, he introduced me to everyone, and then we went to Chili’s (we have an insane amount of things in common, and one of them is our mutual love for Chili’s). Not gonna lie, things felt kind of awkward. I’m incredibly attracted to him and I felt a little shy, and I could tell he was feeling a little shy and closed off, and I didn’t initially feel that connection that we felt via text (where he was more open). This immediately made me scared that things between us wouldn’t be good. We got back to his house and he immediately put a movie on. I sat on his (twin-sized!) bed, and he sat on the floor. I could tell he wasn’t super comfortable, and I wanted him to sit with me, but it took me until almost the end of the movie to invite him up with me. The movie ended, we put on another one, and during that one we ended up laying down cuddling in his bed. It was super nice.

We were both falling asleep so we turned the movie off. Getting comfortable in his small bed when both of us were feeling so awkward was impossible. I was wide awake once we tried to settle down to sleep, of course. He noticed and asked if I was even tired anymore, and I told him no, and then we kissed. He tried to french kiss me, which SURPRISE, I had never done before. I was so embarrassed telling him that and we cut it short and went to sleep. I slept horribly, so did he.

The next day is when things got nice. We just hung out and went shopping during the day, but it was when we came back that things got comfortable. I was sitting on the edge of his bed and next thing I know he’s standing between my legs and we’re making out and let me tell you, I have never ever been so sexually attracted to someone as I am to TP. Things got heated and he started bringing up sex — am I waiting till marriage? why wait? and this opened the door to so much. First of all, now I know how “heat of the moment” situations happen because I was thisclose to going against my own self and sleeping with him because I was SO into him. We talked super deeply between kisses and all that. I said things like — I don’t want this to be all about sex. I want this to be more than just a “like” thing before sex. I want to know that it’s going to be a longterm situation before we have sex. He said things like — it is more than like for me. It won’t be all about sex, I promise; I don’t want that either. I’m in this for the long-run.

We talked about how much we liked each other. How I am a virgin, how it’s been a while for him, how scared I was to ruin things by having sex too soon. We kissed A LOT. He was so dominant but gentle — grabbing my things to pull me to the edge of the bed so we could be closer, etc. and TP is super attractive. Like, beautiful dark skin, white straight teeth, easy to smile, eyes that smile, the perfect voice that’s not too deep or too high, an easy laugh, long dreaded hair that looks so good on him, a thin but muscular frame, big hands, soft skin, broad shoulders, about 4″ taller than me. He is perfect in EVERY way. So yeah, I had a very hard time saying no to sex. and I maybe regret it a little, but not really, because I know it’ll be good when we do. But, it was during this situation where I was like, I’m not even your girlfriend yet. he said “I feel like you are” and I said, “I feel like you haven’t asked.” and then he used my full name and asked me and I told him yes and we kept kissing. The rest of the trip after this was beautiful and easy and comfortable. We slept well cuddled in his twin bed.

I left Sunday afternoon, and I truly didn’t want to leave. His little cousins live with him and they were so cute, and his mom and the rest of his family that I met were so sweet.

I love how light and easy our relationship is. There’s not this air of weird angry/sexual tension like there always was with Bear. Even when TP was – very obviously – turned on, he talked to me like normal, held me like normal, held normal conversations, didn’t make things about that. I couldn’t even breathe around Bear without him getting turned on and going off in his own pants (I’m so serious. It’s horrible.) and that always made me feel so weird.

The affection between TP is the best part. He seems to be as naturally affectionate as I am – leaning in for surprise kisses, automatically holding hands, absentmindedly rubbing legs/backs/arms. There was even a moment when he got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom. He saw that I was awake when he came back and he kissed me, then we both went back to sleep. There’s something so beautiful about that little stuff to me.

I love how he just seems comfortable in his own skin. He was dancing in my car, singing in restaurants, goofing off in stores.

I’m gonna go see him again next weekend, I really can’t get enough of him and it’s scary but incredible.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE. School started up again this week and I’m overwhelmed already. I have three online classes and 1 in person class. My in person class is amazing and easy and my online classes seem fun but tough so we’ll see how that goes.

I have been hanging out with Chick and her roommates (who I also knew from my church days), and I have been hanging out with a new coworker (sort of), Dawn. She’s so fun and easy to get along with. We’ve gone to the movies and to karaoke, and we’re going to the mall this weekend. She’s great.

I’m tired and gonna go call TP so we can talk till we pass out.

1.2.18

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Is anyone else shocked that I’m making so many posts lately??

It’s a new year! I love the start of new years. It didn’t feel as special this year, only because Bear’s birthday is the first and I was feeling weird about that. I had already paid for a trip for us that would have taken place next weekend before we broke up, and so I just kinda got caught in thinking about all that.

It’s the little things that sometimes get me and still make me sad. I probably won’t be buying anyone a valentine’s gift… i didn’t text him happy birthday because I didn’t want to hurt him on his birthday but also because I think he blocked me!

No lie, he texted me a few days ago, telling me he thinks I made a mistake and that I took out other stresses on him, and didn’t give him a chance to be what I needed, and that he was trying so hard, and that he gave me so much… It’s hard to hear that stuff, because that sometimes goes through my head – what if that was the love of my life and I ended it for a bad reason? but then again, I think he knew had to manipulate me into not trusting my own feelings and and I think maybe that’s what he was doing there again. it sounded like he wanted to get back together, but, like Bear does, he approached it in a way that was aggressive and mean. I know we needed to break up, but I feel weird about the interaction because we were in the middle of texting and the last message never delivered. So i’m pretty sure he blocked me. Why else would it send and not deliver?

Someone – we’ll call him TP – that I used to go to church with and work with has recently been in contact with me. He wanted to hang out when he was visiting a city in my state, but he didn’t realize he’d be 8 hours away so that didn’t work. Right after he messaged me, he tweeted about how “sliding in the DMs” didn’t work right, presumably because we couldn’t actually hang out. That made me think he may have a crush on me.

TP lives 2.5 hours away, not far from where Bear lives. The difference is that TP drives. He wants to come see me in my city soon, and I think that would be cool. We’ve been texting for the last few days straight, and he seems like a really sweet guy. He just got a job like 5 hours away from here, though, so I doubt anything romantic will come from this. BUT, you know what? TP can be my friend. I need a friend. He needs a friend. and we get along really well, and it’s fun to get to know someone new, and well, he’s always really sweet to me. If he’s the one for me something will happen eventually, but I’m still lowkey holding onto C. I really really just wanna date C.

So, another cool thing: Chick and I have reconnected. We have a long history, but the short version is: We were best friends from 7th grade to 2015 when we lived together and she did and said some shitty things and didn’t pay the bills and lied to me a million times. I think it comes down to both of us were trying to grow up and also trying to stay attached at the hip and it didn’t work. But I messaged her early in December and apologized for how things went down and now we’ve been texting. And we have plans to hang out on Sunday so I’m really hoping that all goes well.

12.28.17

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This has really been the longest month of my life.

I still feel good about ending the relationship with Bear. I know it was the right choice. I am so easy to please, so low maintenance, so chill, so calm, I know that some guy will appreciate that and I can be happy. Bear was just never going to be that guy for me. I know a lot of people tend to get down on themselves after they break up or end a relationship but I truly don’t have that issue. I KNOW I’m a catch. I do a lot for people I love, I don’t text obsessively nor do I panic over nothing, I’m good with just hanging out.

The things I do need to work on is just not falling too fast, not letting myself ignore a dude’s faults, and not trying to change a guy. It’s only ever in good ways, like encouraging them to eat healthier or communicate their feelings etc, but truth is I don’t want to parent my partner and that’s the relationship I end up creating when I act that way. I don’t want that.

Bear got pretty mean over his social media after we broke up. Saying things like he didn’t miss me as a person, just my companionship. Getting angry about things I’d posted (which was literally just things like “I deserve to be happy” lol), and just saying things like I “limited his creativity” “dulled his self expression” like NO I didn’t. I never made him do anything except communicate with me and tell him not to be a dick.

Bear texted me for the first time since we broke up earlier this week, in the middle of the night, saying “thanks for all the good times you were able to give me <3” which was a weird text to send but I replied and thanked him for being my best friend. Later that day he messaged me saying that he thought he had deleted all our pictures but when he synced to his mac today they all came up and that I “keep popping up somewhere lol”. This seemed conversational enough so I replied that the same thing had happened to me with him and it was hard to get rid of 3.5 years. Later in the day he said he has been “really missing” me, but I could tell he meant he was just missing my body. I was right, because later he asked me to send nudes.

I felt a little conflicted for a minute because I kinda feel like he doesn’t deserve my body… but he’s the only one who has ever seen it, I know he’d never share them publicly, and it’s keeping a relationship with us at least so I went ahead and did it. He hasn’t texted me since which is annoying but I don’t really feel anything about it. It will eventually have to stop and that will be that but I was worried it’d make me feel hope for a relationship or whatever but it doesn’t because I know we’ll never be back together. So we’re doing that, which I guess is a friends with benefits situation, or would be if he lived closer. But I don’t feel bad about it so that’s fine.

C and I still haven’t talked at all or even seen each other but I heard him talk the other day and it made my stomach flip so yep, definitely have a crush. I want to go on Tinder or something and just get that attention but I also want to explore this thing with C. Him and my big brother should be moving in with my mom at the end of January so I know by then I’ll have more attention, or at least some indication of if things are going anywhere. He’s so cute, sweet, funny, and I’m really into him so I can wait. It’s probably better to let things happen slow so C and I can have a fair start, if anything ever starts.

So I guess I will not start a tinder, because a part of me is afraid maybe I’ll start liking someone before I can let things move forward with C. He hasn’t spoken to me but is close with my older sister, and he recently messaged her kinda panicking that I’d broken up with Bear right after I found out C liked me, and panicking about how appropriate it would be for him to move in next door with my mom, and panicking about hurting me and having the whole family hate him, and then panicking that how slow he moves would hurt me. He wants things to happen organically like they would if he hadn’t told anyone he liked me, and that sounds good in theory but I’m impatient. I really have liked him for so long, and he already gets along with my family, and things would be easy with him. So I really want to explore this possible relationship with him, but I do wish things would progress a little. I got him a small christmas gift, but my brother brought it home to him and he never said anything to me so I feel a bit weird about that.

BUTTERFLY HAD HER BABY YESTERDAY!! A little girl! I will still call her baby bean here, but her name is so beautiful and she is SO stinking cute. Butterfly text me at 11:16pm, on the 26th, saying her contractions hurt too bad and she needed to go to the hospital. I came by and grabbed baby W, dropped him off with my mom, and then met her at the hospital.  She gave birth at 3:09AM on the 27th. I got so many beautiful pictures (I just bought my self a Canon Rebel T6 this month) and I am so in love with her. I hope she will love me like her big brother does.

12.13.17

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Bear and I broke up.

It happened last Wednesday, and I’d known pretty much since the last post I made that it needed to happen. But I tried. Really hard. And I think he tried in his own way, too. But we’re just too different.

There was so many little things that made it not work. He didn’t like having to think about my feelings after I’d hurt his. He felt it was okay to be mean if I hurt his feelings. He just didn’t really think about me. At night when he’d want to stay up late he would leave the light on… even though I was the one with a full time job and going to college full time… and he had a living room he could stay up in. He was so mean to the cats, he lost his temper so quick over everything. He even said to me “You can do the same thing to me 100 times and get 100 different reactions.” So he obviously understood how temperamental and unpredictable he was, he knew I didn’t like it, he made no effort to change it. He said I was “dulling his self-expression and creativity” by making him “analyze” aka EXPLAIN his moods. He communicates like an alien. I mean it was like being in a relationship with someone who grew up alone on an island and had no language skills or any clue how to read body language/facial expressions. After 3.5 years he still didn’t know what gifts to buy me. He never gave me validation because he said I shouldn’t need it. He wouldn’t acknowledge me when I walked into our room to talk unexpectedly because I didn’t text him first and it was too overwhelming for “everything to change all at once”. He posted online yesterday that he doesn’t miss me as a person, just my companionship. How can you be with someone for 3.5 years and not miss who they are as a person 3 days later?

I’m going to be really blunt here. It’s going to sound mean. that’s okay.

He literally did nothing. He didn’t work. He is 26 years old, less than a month from being 27, and didn’t work. Didn’t drive. He sat at home all day on his computer and then demanded 1-1 time with me while expecting me to make dinner (he “tried” to help but often ended up snapping at me and being annoying because he was “overwhelmed”). And this is after a full day at work and while I’m going to school full time as well. I supported him financially. He wouldn’t spend time with me + my family or friends because he felt “uncomfortable”. Or he’d do it but he’d be in a bad mood the whole time, or he’d do it and then be angry with me when we were alone. SO I always had to choose him or my family? him or my friends? His mom would send him money for us to do have dates, but that always felt so weird to me. I did so much for him and he doesn’t “miss me as a person”? What kind of shit is that?

When we broke up it was all civil and we haven’t talked since he left. We cried for two days at my house and talked so much. It felt really hard at first. But it’s been a week today and I feel that it was the best choice. and I feel ready to move on. Since he posted some shitty things online after the breakup it just validated that it needed to happen. There was no communicating with him… there was just no being with him happily.

I’m already crushing somewhere else. I don’t know what nickname to give here yet but I’ll just write about him. He’s my older brother’s best friend – 29 years old (I just turned 23). I’ve known him since I was like 12 and have always had a crush on him. He’s quiet. When he talks to me he makes eye contact and he smiles with his eyes. He’s so freaking attractive. He’s respectful. He HAS A JOB AND A CAR AND A LIFE. He loves kids and cats. He told my family over thanksgiving that he likes me, apparently gushed about liking the way I dress and the way I carry myself and even got excited about me taking my hair down when we were playing with the puppy together a couple weeks ago. Before my sister told me about this I’d actually been thinking about if it was something that could ever work, and I felt the vibe from him when we were playing with the puppy. I know it seems soon but I’m ready to be happy.

In other news, school ends this week! I will have all 4 A’s and 1 B. I think that’s pretty good when I work full time as well.

My dad got kicked out a couple of weeks ago, so it’s been hard dealing with that again. He’s back East now.

Butterfly is due with her second baby in just a few weeks here and I have like a week and a half off work right when she’s due so I’ll probably get to be there for the birth. I am so excited!!!!

11.3.17

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I feel like Bear and I have really been struggling as a couple lately. I feel like we don’t communicate well; I feel like I don’t stand up for myself and he stands up for himself too aggressively. He needs so much more time than I have, and that’s horrible to say but I sometimes feel so trapped knowing if I don’t spend a certain amount of time with him a certain way that he’s going to be upset with me. I wish he was more go with the flow. I wish he was more secure in himself. He has so many insecurities that really get to him so if I say one thing that could be twisted so that it fits the insecurity about himself, it’s meltdown town for hours.

He was so angry at me all day the other day because I walked behind him to get my food out of the microwave instead of asking him to do it for me. Yes, it was impolite to squish behind him to use the microwave, but no, it did not make any sense that it lead to such a meltdown where he felt so “inconvenient” and “in the way”. It’s not that deep. I was trying to make my breakfast. I was angry about his reaction all day, and when I get home I didn’t want to waste me evening fighting with him, so I didn’t bring it up. I hate that he really isn’t someone that can be told a negative thing about himself without blowing it up.

Tonight he upset me because we spent about two hours playing a video game with my family. I know he doesn’t care for video games, but no one forced him to play. He stayed pretty okay most of the game, but I could tell at the end he was losing his patience with it. After the game was over I thanked him for playing, and his first reaction was “no problem, I got pretty much nothing out of that but I’m glad you enjoyed it” like why did he need to bring attention to the fact he didn’t enjoy himself? Why does he feel like he needs to tell me when he does something with me that I enjoy? Why does he need to remind me he doesn’t enjoy it? It hurt my feelings. I was really excited and all he could spew was how fast-paced and difficult and social the game was, then got frustrated with me when my feelings were hurt with his reaction.

I think he often feels guilty that he hurts my feelings, so he lashes out. That’s great, but it’s not okay. You’re 26 years old, figure out how to control your emotions! You don’t get to lash out at me because you feel guilty that you hurt my feelings. That’s not how it works, and it’s not fair.

I hate to say it but I am looking forward to him going home 3 hours away. I need some space. I need to be able to do what I want when I want to. He says I can do that now, it “just makes him sad when I choose not to hang out with him” like how is that not intentionally making me feel guilty? I just feel like I don’t have time to be as serious as he needs. We live together for God’s sake, I don’t also need an hour and a half a day of one on one attention from him. How can I truly enjoy the time when I feel obligated to spending the time with him? If I don’t spend the time with him then he’s upset. So i have to do it, and I end up not enjoying it, and we’re stuck in a bad cycle.

I totally understand where he is coming from. I understand that he lives surrounded by my family, with no where to walk to (he doesn’t drive) with very little escape because he also doesn’t work. I understand it has to be hard to be at home all day while your partner has other obligations and then when your partner does come home, they choose to hang out with their family or other friends or have school work to do. I understand that entirely. But I have SUCH a hard time because the simplest thing “ruins” our quality time and then it’s like it doesn’t count for him. We made dinner together the other night and it didn’t count as quality time to him because he was in a shitty mood. I did my best to make it a good night be he decided to be in a bad mood so then we apparently had no quality time together so then he got up with me the next morning, which he never does, and threw off my entire morning by getting angry about stupid shit (the aforementioned microwave situation).

I’m just exhausted. I feel like he expects more out of me than I can give. I feel guilty that I feel so trapped. I feel scared that I feel trapped — this is always the feeling I get before a relationship waltzes past the point of return and we break up. I desperately WANT this to work with him, but I feel like our current situation is not working.

I just feel like, because he’s never had a job and been in school and been expected to do things for my family and had a partner with quality time as their love language that he doesn’t realize the pressure he puts on me. I of course can’t say that to him because he will get so upset that I feel this way. I feel so lost in this.

I feel guilty anytime I do anything that doesn’t involve him. If I say this to him, he’ll say something like “fuck you, I never force you to do anything you don’t want to do” and he’ll be mad and he’ll cry and I’ll end up apologizing. We never do things that are only in my interests, because he can’t be arsed to fake enthusiasm. He thinks he shouldn’t have to. Does he not realize I have to do it for him all the time? No, he doesn’t, because I think it’s truly one of the things you just DO in a relationship without talking about it. Even when you don’t enjoy something, when you so clearly see that your partner is so happy and so excited, you find something positive about the experience to talk about. It’s shitty to just bring up your negative feelings when your partner is so obviously excited.

I want to enjoy spending time with him again. But so much of the time right now I just feel like it’s something I have to do to make him happy. I get up in the morning and I enjoy my time alone to the point where I’m annoyed when he decides to get up with me. I go to work, I have a couple hours there to do homework, I come home. Bear and I cook dinner together, then we watch a show or sit and talk while we eat. Then mostly the rest of my night is spent doing homework, and sometimes I get about 30 minutes to play sims or read. My weekends are spent doing homework, spending time with bear, spending time with baby W, and trying to also fit time with my friends in.

But last time I tried to spend time with my friends, he texted me asking when I was coming home and when I told him, he said “not to ruin your day or anything but that’s way later than you told me earlier” So  I came home but I was LIVID!!! Like I just got demanded to come home? What the fuck??? I am a grown ass woman and I was so excited to go hang out and I get DEMANDED home? And he didn’t demand it outright but how is that not intentionally manipulating me to come home?

Little things have just added up to this overwhelming feeling I have. He told me he couldn’t trust me because there was a weekend a while ago that we spent in his hometown where I felt like he was really mean to me all weekend, but I decided to wait to bring it up until we were back at my house so we didn’t argue around his family or dampen the mood of our trip. I did that literally thinking purely of his feelings, and then he turns it around and says he can’t trust me? What the FUCK!

I don’t know how I’m ever going to tell him about this. How do I tell him that I feel pressured to spend time with him? How do I tell him that I feel like he manipulates me sometimes? How do I tell him I feel scared to say how I really feel because I’m afraid of his reactions? It’s all going to crush him! He is so insecure about himself that if I say anything negative about him he just spirals into self-hatred and it’s not good, but am I helping him if I just let him be this way or would it help him more to be honest with him?

I’m torn between not wanting to hurt him and not wanting to baby him because he’s an adult and I don’t want to baby my partner.  Please respond with any advice or situations you’ve been in similarly. I am lost.