1.2.18

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Is anyone else shocked that I’m making so many posts lately??

It’s a new year! I love the start of new years. It didn’t feel as special this year, only because Bear’s birthday is the first and I was feeling weird about that. I had already paid for a trip for us that would have taken place next weekend before we broke up, and so I just kinda got caught in thinking about all that.

It’s the little things that sometimes get me and still make me sad. I probably won’t be buying anyone a valentine’s gift… i didn’t text him happy birthday because I didn’t want to hurt him on his birthday but also because I think he blocked me!

No lie, he texted me a few days ago, telling me he thinks I made a mistake and that I took out other stresses on him, and didn’t give him a chance to be what I needed, and that he was trying so hard, and that he gave me so much… It’s hard to hear that stuff, because that sometimes goes through my head – what if that was the love of my life and I ended it for a bad reason? but then again, I think he knew had to manipulate me into not trusting my own feelings and and I think maybe that’s what he was doing there again. it sounded like he wanted to get back together, but, like Bear does, he approached it in a way that was aggressive and mean. I know we needed to break up, but I feel weird about the interaction because we were in the middle of texting and the last message never delivered. So i’m pretty sure he blocked me. Why else would it send and not deliver?

Someone – we’ll call him TP – that I used to go to church with and work with has recently been in contact with me. He wanted to hang out when he was visiting a city in my state, but he didn’t realize he’d be 8 hours away so that didn’t work. Right after he messaged me, he tweeted about how “sliding in the DMs” didn’t work right, presumably because we couldn’t actually hang out. That made me think he may have a crush on me.

TP lives 2.5 hours away, not far from where Bear lives. The difference is that TP drives. He wants to come see me in my city soon, and I think that would be cool. We’ve been texting for the last few days straight, and he seems like a really sweet guy. He just got a job like 5 hours away from here, though, so I doubt anything romantic will come from this. BUT, you know what? TP can be my friend. I need a friend. He needs a friend. and we get along really well, and it’s fun to get to know someone new, and well, he’s always really sweet to me. If he’s the one for me something will happen eventually, but I’m still lowkey holding onto C. I really really just wanna date C.

So, another cool thing: Chick and I have reconnected. We have a long history, but the short version is: We were best friends from 7th grade to 2015 when we lived together and she did and said some shitty things and didn’t pay the bills and lied to me a million times. I think it comes down to both of us were trying to grow up and also trying to stay attached at the hip and it didn’t work. But I messaged her early in December and apologized for how things went down and now we’ve been texting. And we have plans to hang out on Sunday so I’m really hoping that all goes well.

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12.28.17

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This has really been the longest month of my life.

I still feel good about ending the relationship with Bear. I know it was the right choice. I am so easy to please, so low maintenance, so chill, so calm, I know that some guy will appreciate that and I can be happy. Bear was just never going to be that guy for me. I know a lot of people tend to get down on themselves after they break up or end a relationship but I truly don’t have that issue. I KNOW I’m a catch. I do a lot for people I love, I don’t text obsessively nor do I panic over nothing, I’m good with just hanging out.

The things I do need to work on is just not falling too fast, not letting myself ignore a dude’s faults, and not trying to change a guy. It’s only ever in good ways, like encouraging them to eat healthier or communicate their feelings etc, but truth is I don’t want to parent my partner and that’s the relationship I end up creating when I act that way. I don’t want that.

Bear got pretty mean over his social media after we broke up. Saying things like he didn’t miss me as a person, just my companionship. Getting angry about things I’d posted (which was literally just things like “I deserve to be happy” lol), and just saying things like I “limited his creativity” “dulled his self expression” like NO I didn’t. I never made him do anything except communicate with me and tell him not to be a dick.

Bear texted me for the first time since we broke up earlier this week, in the middle of the night, saying “thanks for all the good times you were able to give me <3” which was a weird text to send but I replied and thanked him for being my best friend. Later that day he messaged me saying that he thought he had deleted all our pictures but when he synced to his mac today they all came up and that I “keep popping up somewhere lol”. This seemed conversational enough so I replied that the same thing had happened to me with him and it was hard to get rid of 3.5 years. Later in the day he said he has been “really missing” me, but I could tell he meant he was just missing my body. I was right, because later he asked me to send nudes.

I felt a little conflicted for a minute because I kinda feel like he doesn’t deserve my body… but he’s the only one who has ever seen it, I know he’d never share them publicly, and it’s keeping a relationship with us at least so I went ahead and did it. He hasn’t texted me since which is annoying but I don’t really feel anything about it. It will eventually have to stop and that will be that but I was worried it’d make me feel hope for a relationship or whatever but it doesn’t because I know we’ll never be back together. So we’re doing that, which I guess is a friends with benefits situation, or would be if he lived closer. But I don’t feel bad about it so that’s fine.

C and I still haven’t talked at all or even seen each other but I heard him talk the other day and it made my stomach flip so yep, definitely have a crush. I want to go on Tinder or something and just get that attention but I also want to explore this thing with C. Him and my big brother should be moving in with my mom at the end of January so I know by then I’ll have more attention, or at least some indication of if things are going anywhere. He’s so cute, sweet, funny, and I’m really into him so I can wait. It’s probably better to let things happen slow so C and I can have a fair start, if anything ever starts.

So I guess I will not start a tinder, because a part of me is afraid maybe I’ll start liking someone before I can let things move forward with C. He hasn’t spoken to me but is close with my older sister, and he recently messaged her kinda panicking that I’d broken up with Bear right after I found out C liked me, and panicking about how appropriate it would be for him to move in next door with my mom, and panicking about hurting me and having the whole family hate him, and then panicking that how slow he moves would hurt me. He wants things to happen organically like they would if he hadn’t told anyone he liked me, and that sounds good in theory but I’m impatient. I really have liked him for so long, and he already gets along with my family, and things would be easy with him. So I really want to explore this possible relationship with him, but I do wish things would progress a little. I got him a small christmas gift, but my brother brought it home to him and he never said anything to me so I feel a bit weird about that.

BUTTERFLY HAD HER BABY YESTERDAY!! A little girl! I will still call her baby bean here, but her name is so beautiful and she is SO stinking cute. Butterfly text me at 11:16pm, on the 26th, saying her contractions hurt too bad and she needed to go to the hospital. I came by and grabbed baby W, dropped him off with my mom, and then met her at the hospital.  She gave birth at 3:09AM on the 27th. I got so many beautiful pictures (I just bought my self a Canon Rebel T6 this month) and I am so in love with her. I hope she will love me like her big brother does.

12.13.17

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Bear and I broke up.

It happened last Wednesday, and I’d known pretty much since the last post I made that it needed to happen. But I tried. Really hard. And I think he tried in his own way, too. But we’re just too different.

There was so many little things that made it not work. He didn’t like having to think about my feelings after I’d hurt his. He felt it was okay to be mean if I hurt his feelings. He just didn’t really think about me. At night when he’d want to stay up late he would leave the light on… even though I was the one with a full time job and going to college full time… and he had a living room he could stay up in. He was so mean to the cats, he lost his temper so quick over everything. He even said to me “You can do the same thing to me 100 times and get 100 different reactions.” So he obviously understood how temperamental and unpredictable he was, he knew I didn’t like it, he made no effort to change it. He said I was “dulling his self-expression and creativity” by making him “analyze” aka EXPLAIN his moods. He communicates like an alien. I mean it was like being in a relationship with someone who grew up alone on an island and had no language skills or any clue how to read body language/facial expressions. After 3.5 years he still didn’t know what gifts to buy me. He never gave me validation because he said I shouldn’t need it. He wouldn’t acknowledge me when I walked into our room to talk unexpectedly because I didn’t text him first and it was too overwhelming for “everything to change all at once”. He posted online yesterday that he doesn’t miss me as a person, just my companionship. How can you be with someone for 3.5 years and not miss who they are as a person 3 days later?

I’m going to be really blunt here. It’s going to sound mean. that’s okay.

He literally did nothing. He didn’t work. He is 26 years old, less than a month from being 27, and didn’t work. Didn’t drive. He sat at home all day on his computer and then demanded 1-1 time with me while expecting me to make dinner (he “tried” to help but often ended up snapping at me and being annoying because he was “overwhelmed”). And this is after a full day at work and while I’m going to school full time as well. I supported him financially. He wouldn’t spend time with me + my family or friends because he felt “uncomfortable”. Or he’d do it but he’d be in a bad mood the whole time, or he’d do it and then be angry with me when we were alone. SO I always had to choose him or my family? him or my friends? His mom would send him money for us to do have dates, but that always felt so weird to me. I did so much for him and he doesn’t “miss me as a person”? What kind of shit is that?

When we broke up it was all civil and we haven’t talked since he left. We cried for two days at my house and talked so much. It felt really hard at first. But it’s been a week today and I feel that it was the best choice. and I feel ready to move on. Since he posted some shitty things online after the breakup it just validated that it needed to happen. There was no communicating with him… there was just no being with him happily.

I’m already crushing somewhere else. I don’t know what nickname to give here yet but I’ll just write about him. He’s my older brother’s best friend – 29 years old (I just turned 23). I’ve known him since I was like 12 and have always had a crush on him. He’s quiet. When he talks to me he makes eye contact and he smiles with his eyes. He’s so freaking attractive. He’s respectful. He HAS A JOB AND A CAR AND A LIFE. He loves kids and cats. He told my family over thanksgiving that he likes me, apparently gushed about liking the way I dress and the way I carry myself and even got excited about me taking my hair down when we were playing with the puppy together a couple weeks ago. Before my sister told me about this I’d actually been thinking about if it was something that could ever work, and I felt the vibe from him when we were playing with the puppy. I know it seems soon but I’m ready to be happy.

In other news, school ends this week! I will have all 4 A’s and 1 B. I think that’s pretty good when I work full time as well.

My dad got kicked out a couple of weeks ago, so it’s been hard dealing with that again. He’s back East now.

Butterfly is due with her second baby in just a few weeks here and I have like a week and a half off work right when she’s due so I’ll probably get to be there for the birth. I am so excited!!!!

11.3.17

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I feel like Bear and I have really been struggling as a couple lately. I feel like we don’t communicate well; I feel like I don’t stand up for myself and he stands up for himself too aggressively. He needs so much more time than I have, and that’s horrible to say but I sometimes feel so trapped knowing if I don’t spend a certain amount of time with him a certain way that he’s going to be upset with me. I wish he was more go with the flow. I wish he was more secure in himself. He has so many insecurities that really get to him so if I say one thing that could be twisted so that it fits the insecurity about himself, it’s meltdown town for hours.

He was so angry at me all day the other day because I walked behind him to get my food out of the microwave instead of asking him to do it for me. Yes, it was impolite to squish behind him to use the microwave, but no, it did not make any sense that it lead to such a meltdown where he felt so “inconvenient” and “in the way”. It’s not that deep. I was trying to make my breakfast. I was angry about his reaction all day, and when I get home I didn’t want to waste me evening fighting with him, so I didn’t bring it up. I hate that he really isn’t someone that can be told a negative thing about himself without blowing it up.

Tonight he upset me because we spent about two hours playing a video game with my family. I know he doesn’t care for video games, but no one forced him to play. He stayed pretty okay most of the game, but I could tell at the end he was losing his patience with it. After the game was over I thanked him for playing, and his first reaction was “no problem, I got pretty much nothing out of that but I’m glad you enjoyed it” like why did he need to bring attention to the fact he didn’t enjoy himself? Why does he feel like he needs to tell me when he does something with me that I enjoy? Why does he need to remind me he doesn’t enjoy it? It hurt my feelings. I was really excited and all he could spew was how fast-paced and difficult and social the game was, then got frustrated with me when my feelings were hurt with his reaction.

I think he often feels guilty that he hurts my feelings, so he lashes out. That’s great, but it’s not okay. You’re 26 years old, figure out how to control your emotions! You don’t get to lash out at me because you feel guilty that you hurt my feelings. That’s not how it works, and it’s not fair.

I hate to say it but I am looking forward to him going home 3 hours away. I need some space. I need to be able to do what I want when I want to. He says I can do that now, it “just makes him sad when I choose not to hang out with him” like how is that not intentionally making me feel guilty? I just feel like I don’t have time to be as serious as he needs. We live together for God’s sake, I don’t also need an hour and a half a day of one on one attention from him. How can I truly enjoy the time when I feel obligated to spending the time with him? If I don’t spend the time with him then he’s upset. So i have to do it, and I end up not enjoying it, and we’re stuck in a bad cycle.

I totally understand where he is coming from. I understand that he lives surrounded by my family, with no where to walk to (he doesn’t drive) with very little escape because he also doesn’t work. I understand it has to be hard to be at home all day while your partner has other obligations and then when your partner does come home, they choose to hang out with their family or other friends or have school work to do. I understand that entirely. But I have SUCH a hard time because the simplest thing “ruins” our quality time and then it’s like it doesn’t count for him. We made dinner together the other night and it didn’t count as quality time to him because he was in a shitty mood. I did my best to make it a good night be he decided to be in a bad mood so then we apparently had no quality time together so then he got up with me the next morning, which he never does, and threw off my entire morning by getting angry about stupid shit (the aforementioned microwave situation).

I’m just exhausted. I feel like he expects more out of me than I can give. I feel guilty that I feel so trapped. I feel scared that I feel trapped — this is always the feeling I get before a relationship waltzes past the point of return and we break up. I desperately WANT this to work with him, but I feel like our current situation is not working.

I just feel like, because he’s never had a job and been in school and been expected to do things for my family and had a partner with quality time as their love language that he doesn’t realize the pressure he puts on me. I of course can’t say that to him because he will get so upset that I feel this way. I feel so lost in this.

I feel guilty anytime I do anything that doesn’t involve him. If I say this to him, he’ll say something like “fuck you, I never force you to do anything you don’t want to do” and he’ll be mad and he’ll cry and I’ll end up apologizing. We never do things that are only in my interests, because he can’t be arsed to fake enthusiasm. He thinks he shouldn’t have to. Does he not realize I have to do it for him all the time? No, he doesn’t, because I think it’s truly one of the things you just DO in a relationship without talking about it. Even when you don’t enjoy something, when you so clearly see that your partner is so happy and so excited, you find something positive about the experience to talk about. It’s shitty to just bring up your negative feelings when your partner is so obviously excited.

I want to enjoy spending time with him again. But so much of the time right now I just feel like it’s something I have to do to make him happy. I get up in the morning and I enjoy my time alone to the point where I’m annoyed when he decides to get up with me. I go to work, I have a couple hours there to do homework, I come home. Bear and I cook dinner together, then we watch a show or sit and talk while we eat. Then mostly the rest of my night is spent doing homework, and sometimes I get about 30 minutes to play sims or read. My weekends are spent doing homework, spending time with bear, spending time with baby W, and trying to also fit time with my friends in.

But last time I tried to spend time with my friends, he texted me asking when I was coming home and when I told him, he said “not to ruin your day or anything but that’s way later than you told me earlier” So  I came home but I was LIVID!!! Like I just got demanded to come home? What the fuck??? I am a grown ass woman and I was so excited to go hang out and I get DEMANDED home? And he didn’t demand it outright but how is that not intentionally manipulating me to come home?

Little things have just added up to this overwhelming feeling I have. He told me he couldn’t trust me because there was a weekend a while ago that we spent in his hometown where I felt like he was really mean to me all weekend, but I decided to wait to bring it up until we were back at my house so we didn’t argue around his family or dampen the mood of our trip. I did that literally thinking purely of his feelings, and then he turns it around and says he can’t trust me? What the FUCK!

I don’t know how I’m ever going to tell him about this. How do I tell him that I feel pressured to spend time with him? How do I tell him that I feel like he manipulates me sometimes? How do I tell him I feel scared to say how I really feel because I’m afraid of his reactions? It’s all going to crush him! He is so insecure about himself that if I say anything negative about him he just spirals into self-hatred and it’s not good, but am I helping him if I just let him be this way or would it help him more to be honest with him?

I’m torn between not wanting to hurt him and not wanting to baby him because he’s an adult and I don’t want to baby my partner.  Please respond with any advice or situations you’ve been in similarly. I am lost.

10.13.17

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Sometimes I feel like I’m literally the busiest person alive. Between full time classes, full time work, spending time with Bear, and dealing with my insane family, I feel like I don’t get time to just be my own person.

I’m going to be going with Bear to his family for Thanksgiving. My mom literally doesn’t want Bear at Thanksgiving because he removed my dad from the fantasy football league they did together. My dad LITERALLY CRIED over this and talked about how it’s a “threat” from Bear and how no one has any loyalty anymore. Keep in mind this is the same dad that abandoned me.

I’m excited to spend thanksgiving with Bear’s family though. They will be picking us up and bringing us home, so I don’t have to worry about driving through snow. My mom is going to be pissed when she realizes no one is going to be there for Thanksgiving and I’m sure my older sister will talk shit the whole time about how I’m with bear’s family but I just don’t care. I’m so shut off emotionally from their shit.

School has been crazy. I have all A’s and one B+ so far. I think next semester I will just take 4 classes instead of 5; I don’t feel like I have enough time to study for tests and stuff like this and I think I’d do better with less classes.

I have a notebook that I have been writing letters to Bear in since we started dating in 2014. I took it out of the drawer this morning looking for something, and I didn’t put it back, and GUESS WHO FOUND IT. BEAR. He thought I left it out for him, and at dinner tonight, he grabbed my hands and said “I saw the book you left me” and I was soooo mortified. I hadn’t filled the notebook up yet nor was I sure if I was ever going to let him see it. But he told me over and over how much he loved it. I’ll keep writing him letters and maybe give it to him when we get married or something. I’m glad he reacted so nicely to it but holy cow I didn’t mean for him to see that.

 

9.3.17

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I’ve wanted to update for a few weeks but I’ve not been able to find the time! School started last week. They are a lot of work and I’m having to work on it 2-4 hours every day but I’m not behind in any class and I haven’t felt in over my head yet. I’ve still had some good quality time with Bear. I spent 4 hours today reading 40 pages for my Substance Abuse Education class, fully focused, because I just had to take so many notes. It’s insane but I love it. I love having to manage my time and the feeling of productivity that I get after working on an assignment.

I’ve been with Bear in his home-town for the last few days and it’s been nice. I’ve done a lot of homework and we’ve eaten a lot of junk food. What’s funny is we’ve been sleeping separately this entire time — and I’ve enjoyed it! I love having Bear with me but he’s been here so long that I sometimes miss having my own space and not having to answer to anyone if I want to be alone. Sleeping alone the last few nights has been comfortable and I’ve gotten good sleep, and so has he.

Custody stuff with baby W has been messy. Butterfly hates my brother and thinks he has never been baby W’s dad (even though he literally is) and she is definitely going to fight custody when they divorce. It’s hard because she’s my best friend and I hate that she’s acting that way. Baby W needs time with his dad and his dad’s family and I’ve genuinely loved getting to see him away from Butterfly because I don’t feel I have to dampen down my affection or the way I take care of him. I ask her before I do things with him to give her the illusion that I trust her instincts and all that but I really don’t and I know 100% that I know baby W better and take care of him better. That’s shitty but she’s young and inexperienced and not in a good place in her life. She is 23 weeks pregnant with baby bean, her current boyfriend is literally so irresponsible (and is apparently on parole for being accused of rape…), she is living in her dad’s living room, she isn’t working and her bf is not good with money, etc. I love her so much and I want what’s best for her but I have a hard time helping her because of the pit she got herself into.

I love taking care of baby W. Loving him makes me a better person. I love watching him learn, I love bringing him with me and showing me off, and sometimes I wish I was his mom and I could just bring him up the way I want to. That’s wrong of me, whatever, I’m allowed to say all my bad thoughts/feeling her in my anonymous blog.

So basically my time is spent between work, school, Bear, and baby W. I’m pretty happy. I have all those stupid health issues going on but I’m just focusing on eating better and exercising more (IF I CAN FIND TIME??) and having a positive outlook on things. I haven’t had a gallbladder flare up since I went to the ER, and my doctor told me my thyroid IS elevated but she won’t change the med unless it’s elevated again in 3 months when she checks it because she doesn’t want to overdose me. I get it, but it’s annoying.

7.28.17

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I spent my entire day from 10 am to 7pm in extreme abdominal pain and then in the ER for it. Every once in a while I get these horrific stomach aches that start on my right side and slowly build until my entire back and stomach hurt so bad that I can hardly breathe. It feels like there’s a balloon expanding so big under my ribs, I  can’t get comfortable. I get so nauseas and the pain is literally 12 out of 10 horrible. I have had two ‘attacks’ in 2 weeks so I went to the ER today because I was scared maybe something serious was happening.

Basically they took my blood (which is usually so easy but today the dr poked around with the needle in my arm for literally 5 minutes and I bled everywhere), got an ultrasound, and did a urine test. I do have gallstones and I will need to get my gallbladder removed. I am scared about it, but also, this pain is literally so horrible I would do almost anything to never feel it again. If it means surgery and a different diet for the rest of my life, then fine. I just know this pain isn’t something I can let keep taking over my days like this.

My family stuff has been whatever. I don’t really talk to my dad nor do I go see them. Butterfly is still living with her dad so I guess she is just staying there? Who knows.

Chrystine is actually coming to see me next week! I’m really excited to spend some time with her as it’s been over a year since I’ve seen her. I hope my gallbladder pain stops enough for me to enjoy her visit.

I’m so tired from all the pain meds and spending my day at the hospital. I was determined to stay up late today because it’s my weekend and my whole day was spent in the hospital which in my opinion is a shitty weekend.

I’m really excited for school to start up in like 5 weeks. I keep toying with the idea of getting a second job just to save money but I realize I applied for school thinking I’d have my 3 day weekends and evenings to do homework. I need to see how I adjust to school and work together before I try to get another job.